May 29, 2014 Anxiety, A Real Bitch

May 29, 2014 FB Post:  I became acquainted with someone a little over a year ago whom I really can't stand. I had interacted with her on occasion throughout my life but nothing like the last 6 months. I try to avoid her, brace myself for when I know she'll be present, surround myself with loving friends and family, attempt to become too distracted to notice her but she always gets the best of me. No matter what alternative route I take, our paths have inevitably crossed. Her name is Anxiety. She's closely related to Grief and she's a real Bitch.

May 29, 2014 Memory Lane

Journal Entry:  Yesterday we decided to take Krispy Kreme Donuts around to all the response units in honor of Gracie's birthday.  Jeremy had been wanting to do something for them since we came home from the hospital a year ago and Gracie's birthday seemed fitting.  We picked up 12 dozen donuts and deliered 2 dozen to each stop.  We went to LifeFlight, Ogden City Fire, Weber County Fire, Weber County Sheriff, 911 Dispatch and finally Primary Children's PICU.  I was holding strong until the drive to Primary.  It took me back to riding in the Sheriff's truck down the freeway.  I had wondered why he didn't go faster but didn't wan to be rude.  I considered he was being safe.  Mom was at Primary and would be with Gracie when she arrived.  After hearing they wouldn't let her be with Gracie I don't remember if speed was a concern still fro me.  I wanted to get there but didn't know that my arrival in the next 10 minutes or 30 minutes would matter.  The Sheriff continued up past Primary and ended up at University of Utah Hospital.  I remember calling Mom to verify how to get there.  I remained very calm and controlled even though I was screaming, "JUST GET ME THERE" on the inside.  Mom met us in the ER and took us up a back elevator to the PICU.  Once there the timid, young, social worker met us.  She pretended to be an expert...not a day over 22 yet an expert.  This was annoying.  I remember Mom and Aunt Emily talking about the social worker taking them into "a room" when Grandma had her stroke.  Emily became hysterical and "drinking water actually does calm you down" I remember her saying.  Mom just said, "I knew what that room meant." As I thought of the parallels in the situation "Surely, this room doesn't mean THAT?" Besides, they were wrong about grandma, they are wrong about Gracie.  Just let me see her and it will be fine.  Finally after 40 minutes I saw her and I knew she was gone.

My chest completely tightened as we got closer to the hospital.  Oddly enough, Jeremy made the same mistake in direction as the sheriff.  We were, so far, retracing our steps exactly except this time Mom was going to meet us at the North Entrance.  The North Entrance is undergoing a remodel but I recognized the stairs I had come down a year ago and found Joan Strang nervously waiting outside...calling someone in an attempt to get past the security and up to PICU.  I had to inform her Gracie was gone and we were just on our way home.  She was so sad, I was so happy to see her.  I thought it was just a bad dream and if I just left this place and went home it would all be ok.

We went to the security guard and he printed us visitor passes for the PICU by looking up our old information in the system.  Same picture, the one from my drivers license.  I didn't like my hair in that picture.  Gracie was with me when I renewed my license the January before she died.  I was pregnant I guess but for some reason I had always thought I had both little girls with me at the DMV.  I'm just now realizing it was just me and Gracie.  We could've brought our old tags...they were yellow too.  They would've had different dates though but who would've noticed? Up we went in the elevator.  I recognized everything right down to the social worker standing in the hall outside the waiting room, patient sleeping rooms where I never actually slept but had the most meaningful conversations and prayers of my life.  Where I changed, clothed and fed my then 4 week old baby. I didn't walk into the waiting room or even towards it.  We headed straight into the PICU.  We gave the donuts to the front desk ladies.  They remembered me.  I saw the pumping room I used several times once I figured out the accessories.  I didn't go past the front desk but was thinking of where I went from here to get to Gracie.  Left, then right (where I would find a cart of towels and wash cloths) then left, and the last room on the left would've been Gracie.  Apparently the most critical go there.  That part, the part past the desk, I could not face.  We turned to leave and I broke down.  She's not here.  She's not there.  This all really happened.  I wasn't playing the role of the best supporting actress.  This was real life and we have not been living happily ever after for the past year.  Gracie is never coming back.  They couldn't fix this.  I can't fix this.  We went back down the elevator past the stairs I came down last April.  Why did I take the stairs and not the elevator?  Who would know the answer to that question?  This time my car was not brought curbside by a caring friend.  I did not open the back to find Gracie's bike still in there from her ride to Pre-school 2 days before.  Instead, I walked through the parking garage to my car, opened the back, and changed Vi.

May 28, 2014 2nd Birthday In Heaven.

May 28, 2014 FB Post:  It's just past midnight and therefore it's May 28th! Five years ago today my sweet Gracie was born weighing 9lbs 2oz...so much chub for us all to love. Happy birthday my beautiful angel birthday girl. We love and miss you every second of every day. 

May 26, 2014 Gracie's Memorial Run

May 26, 2014 FB Post:  "Next time I will jog with you," Gracie told me as she rode along side me on her bike to preschool April 4, 2013. We didn't know there wouldn't be a next time. Today, with her shoes around my waist, over 40 members on "team Gracie" she jogged with me....with us (but mostly me:))

May 26, 2014 Journal Entry:  Today we participated in a Memorial Day race for Gracie.  Over 40 family members and friends came out to run for Team Gracie or cheer at the finish.  I made shirts for everyone with Gracie's picture on the front and "Team Gracie To Infinity and Beyond" on the back.  It was great to see everyone there and for them to be forced to acknowledge our sorrow if for only a couple hours in the past several months.....I'm a little bitter and pissed off at their forced false sense of support. Nevertheless, Olivia and Izsak both got medals for their age group and for that I was extremely proud and happy.  Olivia has wanted a medal and honestly she should be given one for strength and perseverance alone. We pretty much swept the medals with "Team Gracie" representing a large population of the race.  I want to do it every year if for no other reason than to have one day, one event where my grief is accepted, anticipated, acknowledged and crying is a norm---socially appropriate.  It was great to have support and so many but then I think, "Where they hell have they all been for 6 months?"  I feel great today but even a little of this support for the past year would've been nice.  Actually, they showed up but I didn't really talk with anyone outside of who I do normally on a regular basis.  I'm sure it made them feel good though, like they've helped bear my burden in some way today. It was actually harder for me to focus on grief or mourning with such fanfare...which I guess is good.  They saw me strong today and that should carry them another few months--away from guilt for not calling for months or visiting more than a couple times the past year even though we asked for visits, content to return home with their entire families and resume their normal lives.  I wish I could say the same.  But I'll enjoy it for today; my heart too distracted to hurt like it did yesterday and the day before and the week before and the months before.  What a difference a day makes.  What a difference the focus of an event makes.  

May 25, 2014 How Dare You Expect Normal!!

I received a text last Wednesday asking if I could offer the opening prayer in sacrament meeting this  Sunday.  My first instinct was, "No, it's already proving to be a hard week." But then I thought, "Oh my gosh, it's just a prayer.  Poor guy has probably been rejected by a dozen others going out of town."  My reply back was, "I'd be happy to." Giving a prayer is a very normal thing and over the course of my life I've done more times than I can count and only once do I remember being somewhat emotional because the lesson had been about meaningful prayer and picturing who it is you are praying to.  Now when I pray, not only do I picture who it is I'm praying to but who is standing near Him.  So I proceed today with the opening prayer in sacrament meeting.  As I give the beginning salutation I'm immediately struck by the pain and hurt...knowing how desperate I am for communication but how one sided our conversations feel.  How He is the one to whom I pray yet He is the source of my broken heart.  I don't remember the words that came out of my mouth because I couldn't think past the screaming in my head as they tears flowed from my eyes...."How dare they ask me to give a prayer...those insensitive sons of bitches!!  It's memorial weekend for hell sake, Gracie's upcoming birthday!!  How dare they make me feel I am capable or should be capable of giving a prayer!  It's such a normal thing--How dare they assume I'm normal!!"  I went to the bathroom and cried...feeling so humiliated, "I'm never coming back to church."  Within an hour, I was teaching my lesson and humiliation was set aside.  Chalk it up once more to the crazy grieving mother. 

May 24, 2014 I Believe In Magic

For the past year I realized I have believed in magic.  I walked into The Room Loft (where I worked part-time) for the first time in over a month and saw Tiffany's desk had moved.  I was unnerved by this change in structure.  "Where is her desk?  Where is the calculator?"  I realized I wasn't asking for Tiffany, I was asking for Gracie.  If she were to come back, she wouldn't have a place to sit or a calculator to play with like she had for years prior.  If she were uncomfortable or didn't recognize where she was, she won't come back.  There were new people as well.  They don't know Gracie and she doesn't know them.  She won't want to come back if she doesn't know the people here.  This is what unnerves me about change.  It's not that people move on, it's that the movement causes change.  If it changes too much, Gracie won't come back because it's no longer her world, her life to come back to.  People will believe my thinking is crazy but according to a book I'm reading by Joan Didion, I'm in a state of "Magical Thinking." I really can't come to terms yet with the thoughts that this is final.  No matter how many times I go over it, I can't change it.  If I didn't donate her organs, would that change things?  It's crazy thinking but when it comes from the thoughts of a grieving mother, it's not crazy...It's magical thinking.  Somehow this can be fixed.  Magically, this can go away and we can turn back time or just wave a wand.  Magic!!  So I keep her toothbrush, shower toys, backpack on the hook, clothes in the drawer, shoes in the shoe-holder because she will need these things when she comes back. She will come back because I believe in magic!!

"Complicated grief that leads to pathological bereavement."

May 22, 2014 I'm Where You Should Be.

May 22, 2014 FB Post:  I needed to be there tonight! Gracie was already registered to begin her 2nd year of preschool but she was a little over a month shy of completing her first year when she died. Last night, a friend lovingly asked if attending the preschool graduation would be hard. I realized how much experience changes our perspective. Yes, it would be hard but what's harder is living every day doing things for my other kids that I'm not doing for Gracie. From buying Spring clothes to ice-cream at the drive-thru; I feel horrible "mom guilt" when I'm not doing for one child what I'm doing for another. That feeling doesn't go away when they die. If anything it's worse. Preschool graduation was something I could do for Gracie. This morning I got a text from Teacher Misty. Teacher Janna usually helps but couldn't be there tonight due to her son playing in the high school State Championship soccer game in Salt Lake. Misty asked if I would help tonight! How perfect is this? How cool is Gracie's mom!? Gracie would think that was awesome! I got to be Teacher Misty's special helper and be with all her friends. Thank you teacher Janna for being there for your child so I could be there for mine! And to Fremont boys soccer team...you're welcome:) I needed to be there tonight.

May 14, 2014 A Big "F"-You

When you get an "F" on a paper, it hurts.  To work so hard just to be told you fail.  It causes you to doubt your abilities.  When you get a poor evaluation at work, demoted, or just not receiving the same validation you once did that really gave you the confidence to perform the given task, that hurts.  To replace the hurt, negative emotions may take over or possibly negative behaviors in an effort to rid yourself of what's causing you to feel you failed.  Nothing says you failed like having your child die in your arms from a completely preventable event.  It's a big giant "F"and might I add an "F-YOU"...at least that's what it feels like.  I can't redo, can't retake, can't try again.  It's done.  You failed the ultimate task.  How can I possibly think I'm good at anything else?  That's the problem, I don't.  I don't have the confidence I once had, I don't have the motivation or focus as well but it's stemming from the confidence.  When you have kids and they become your world, your everything, the one and only thing I center my life around...our lives around and I failed.  Confidence is shattered.  I FAILED.  I find myself angry and completely avoiding people I feel have wronged me, or have judged me or critiqued me...even if only slightly.  The emotion is so strong...I FAILED.  I thought parenting was what I was good at. Any idiot can keep their child alive.  I thought I was a good parent.  I was wrong.  I don't want to place myself in a situation personally or professionally to have my abilities judged and critiqued.  I can't fail again.  I can't get another F. 

May 11, 2014 Mother's Day...Prayers, Faith, bullshit

It's mother's day today.  I'm trying so hard to feel the joy of motherhood in my life and not let the sorrow consume me.  The one great thing giving me comfort are my children and Jeremy of course.  The other is that Teacher Misty brought over chocolate covered strawberries they made in class.  She had Anniston and Elizabeth (Gracie's 2 preschool friends) color a card.  Misty said she just kept feeling a "nudge".  It really feels to me like they were from Gracie and the card was colored just as she would've done it.  I'm so grateful for Misty. 

I recently read a book called "Heaven is for Real."  It's about a little boy who had his appendix rupture when he was nearly 4.  He experienced going to Heaven and talking about it.  Things he saw and experienced fall in line with what we know and have known in our faith.  One thing that bothers me is the idea that the faith and prayers of their congregation brought him back...but not Gracie.  I know it's because it was Gracie's plan, at least that's what I keep telling myself...but it challenges what faith is to a lot of people.  Faith doesn't alter God's plan.  Faith helps you follow God's plan.  It bothers me that their faith changed the course of the plan but mine didn't.  It's bullshit.  I've felt myself becoming more hurt and just tired of working through this day after day.  Jeremy's tired, I'm tired people are tired of us being tired.  It's hard and some moments are completely unbearable so I take a Xanax and fall asleep.  If I'm at school I push through the day which leaves me shaking with anxiety by the end of the day and nothing left to give my family.  I'm able to maintain and fear appearing weak, pathetic or not capable on days that aren't so bad but when they are I could care less what other's perceptions are.  I feel good when I'm home.  I still don't enjoy social gatherings and don't like groups who aren't aware or sensitive to our situation.  It's getting easier, I just don't like it.  Over all, I feel worse than I appear.  I get up, go to work, clean my house, take care of kids.  It feels different (hard and impossible at times) to me but looks the same to everyone else. 

May 4, 2014 Memorial Tribute

May 4, 2014 FB Post:  Dance competitions and sporting events bring a certain unity among the crowd. It wasn't a dance competition or a sporting event today, it was a Memorial Tribute for Primary Children's Hospital to honor Gracie along with 28 other angels who passed away there last year. Following the tribute they released doves signifying a unity in our journey Home. What unified us today is where our children took their last breaths. Jeremy suggested we later visit the donor memorial wall downtown Salt Lake at Library Square. I wondered if this was something else that unified us with others in the crowd. Did their husbands walk their child's lifeless body down the corridors of the hospital and into the arms of a transplant team? Do people even realize that's what happens? I didn't, and still can't think of it without a pain wanting to tear my heart into pieces. How I wish these were pictures of a dance performance or sporting event but none the less, I'm proud Gracie was honored today.

Journal Entry:  Today they did a memorial tribute for the children who passed away at Primary Children's Medical Center this past year.  I was surprised only 29 including Gracie were on the program.  It was a short tribute with a quick video of each Angel.  When they said Gracie's name and showed her picture, Jeremy and I just sobbed.  It's horrible it's been a year and we have to honor our daughter this way.  Jeremy wanted to visit the donor memorial wall after.  I am still struggling the the donor stuff.  It was a factor in our decision to withdraw support.  It wouldn't have changed Gracie's outcome but it was a factor I wish hadn't been there.  I wonder about the recipients and fear they aren't worthy of Gracie's organs.  I'm still upset her kidneys went to an adult and so many organs went to research.  Others have a part of her I don't have.  That bothers me.  I'm feeling a little angry, a little tired, and very sad tonight.

Our bishopric changed.  We weren't there because of the memorial service.  I don't like that things change.  I fear that change will cause Gracie's memory to fade.  There wasn't great support from the former Bishop in regard to our grief this past year so nothing will change in that regard but I would really like for someone to come to my door, as how I am, and hold out a tissue in anticipation of the floodgates waiting to bust open.  But that doesn't happen so I'm left to barricade the dam, knowing if they wanted to see or know how completely miserable I still am they would ask...but they don't.  I have had a couple good days and I even think I didn't cry the other day...at least I don't remember crying which in itself is an improvement.  It really doesn't get easier, doesn't go away.  I've just learned to live with the pain because I've realized it's never going away.  Nobody can fix it.  I pray I don't live long.  

From One Nightmare to the Next

I had a dream last night that snapped me out of my funk.  In my dream I was searching for Gracie.  We finally found her in a wooded area.  I think she was barely alive when we found her but had been brutally raped.  The investigator or examiner told me her pelvis had been broken and I was shocked that he was being so graphic. I didn't think it was the appropriate time to tell me these things but I didn't say anything to him to make him stop.  I'm pretty sure she died while he was telling me but I can't remember exactly.  I just remember seeing her little body just as it was last year, size, her face...everything.  I was so overcome with the idea of such brutality on my little girl.  I woke up crying and had to think for a minute...convince myself it was just a dream.  I then had to remind myself that Gracie had died but found relief and comfort that the dream was not how she died.  I was all at once filled with gratitude that she didn't die in such a brutal way.  I found myself praying in my heart a prayer of thanks that Gracie had a peaceful death and will never endure such agony.  It's odd and unorthodox that such a nightmare seemed to have pulled me out of my funk...If only for today, I'm grateful. 

April 28, 2014 Another Angel Mom

Last week was pretty horrible in terms of grief and pain.  It just hit really hard that this is NEVER ENDING!!....until my life does.  It's exhausting and I don't want to do it another year.  I slept a lot last week because I just didn't want to feel it anymore.  It's so painful and I'm just so sad and then Jeremy is so sad and feeling the same.  This is just HEll...but I continue to battle through.

I was especially sad last Thursday.  I was so overwhelmed with anxiety that I was glad to leave work right at 2:#5 to pick up Vi by 3:00 so her sitter could get to an appointment.  As I was leaving the sitters I saw a couple cars pass and realized it was the Mom's from Appleseed picking up their kids.  I felt the blood drain from my heart and realized I would be picking up Gracie...I should be picking up Gracie.  I drove by and some of the moms waved what appeared to be uncomfortable waves but luckily for me I didn't endure seeing the kids run to their moms...they hadn't come out yet.  Still, it was enough.  I couldn't stop the tars, didn't want to even try.  I handed Vi off to Jeremy with no words....my tears explained enough...and went to bed.  That's only the 2nd time I remember doing that.

Friday felt no better but I pushed through the day.  By Friday night I wanted to talk with someone who would tell me this will get easier and what I could do to make this better.  I finally got a hold of Aunt Tammy, another Angel Mom and most beloved aunt.  It was so great to talk with her.  It validated how I felt and I've come to realize that is the greatest support.  There is nothing worse than feeling as miserable as I do and sensing the "eye rolls" from others.  Tammy recognized her situation was different because little Tami was so sick she found herself (in the end) praying for her daughter to die.  I see it as just as tragic and always saw her as so strong.  She still struggles to this day but has such a testimony and love for everyone.  I didn't need to know how depressed or hurt she has been over the years.  I wouldn't have understood it anyway but I do now and have an even greater admiration of her strength ability to carry on. 

Sunday felt a little better but Jeremy worked and I had to teach.  I was a bit overwhelmed with anxiety until after my lesson.  I went to Mom's which adds to my paranoia.  I make people uncomfortable.  I misinterpret everything that's said and cry which I feel like an ass for.  Needless to say, I was ready for the day...week....life...to be over. 

April 6, 2014 Every Step I take....I am Missing You

While in Florida, I thought I had lost my necklace with all the charms that remind me of Gracie.  I had actually just left it at the hotel.  I felt this was such a betrayal to Gracie.  How could I go on a family vacation without her? How could I forget my necklace that will show her that I have not forgotten her?  I needed something to show Gracie that I'm always thinking of her, that she is part of me and my family, that I need her to always be with me and never think for a second we've forgotten her.  I wanted her to know that every step I take I am missing her.  

She had signed Jeremy's birthday card just a week before she passed away.  I remember sitting at the counter with her.  She was sitting to my right and signing her name on his card with a pen.  Her tongue was sticking out (ever so slightly) as she wrote a backward, upside-down G.  Next, she wrote an "i".  I responded, "I didn't know you could do an 'i'!!"  She smiled and did another one followed by another backward, upside-down G which she filled in as an added bonus. Her little 3-year-old signature, that moment, that precious memory will forever be part of every step I take.

 

April 2014-First Angel Trip

I can't remember  where I got the idea, but I decided to take the family on a trip over the Angel Anniversary.  I wanted to be away from home and somewhere forced to engage with my kids and be distracted.  I needed them happy because I was miserable.  

We went to Florida for our first "Angel Trip".  I can't even talk about it without crying because I hate that we did a trip like that without Gracie.  I know her spirit was with us but it's just not what I want.  I want her here.  She would've loved it.  I'm glad we went because we were forced to leave the hotel and go play with the kids.  It was hard but I don't regret going.  Vi did great on the plane despite an ear infection, teething, and shots two days before.  She loves people and says, "Hi" to everyone.  The rest is babble but she knows exactly what she's saying.  There was a gentleman sitting next to us on the plane and she made his day.  She kept trying to take his phone.  She would stand next to him, on the seat in between us, tilt her head so she could force him to look into her eyes, hold out her hand and say, "Hi."  She wanted his phone.  He was texting his wife about her because she was just too adorable.  

It was the kids' first time on a plane and they were so excited.  They thought we were going to Park City until we pulled up to the airport so they were a little overwhelmed and my attention was on getting them on the plane.  I cried when the plane took off, feeling as though we were leaving Gracie behind. How can I be happy in these moment with my children who are living when my heart is breaking for the child who died?  How unfair that moments that used to bring (and should bring) pure joy and complete happiness are now intertwined with heartache and misery.  

I kept my focus on the kids and Jeremy.  I love that we were "Forced" to move and have fun. I loved being on the roller-coasters because it genuinely made me happy for that moment. The kids loved the trip and didn't notice the sorrow and misery Jeremy and I were feeling ....mission accomplished!  

April 20, 2014 Easter Marks His Resurrection, For Me It Marks her Death

Today is Easter Sunday.  Although Gracie's Angel dates have passed, Easter is still a first.  Gracie's accident was 4 days after Easter last year.  I've dreaded Easter.  They are the last pictures I have of Gracie and they aren't good pictures.  I was tired from being up with Vi and it was cold outside when they did their Easter egg hunt.  I didn't leave the deck and just took a couple quick pictures.  I remember thinking, "I'll do better next year." Easter was the first Sunday we all went to church after having Vi.  I forgot to take a picture of everyone in Easter clothes.  Again,  there's always next year....but there's not.  (Something now 4 years later I hold as one of my greatest regrets).

 

It's been 4 years now as I type this entry from my journal to this blog.  I remember telling Gracie to get shoes on but she was so excited she couldn't wait to go outside to find the eggs and said she would be fine.  Not a minute later she came back in to get her shoes because the grass was so cold.  Her shoes are on the wrong feet. 

The swing-set was taken down and burned piece by piece by Jeremy on his birthday.  If only I had seen the rope that was hanging above the slide.  Had I not been so tired, or it had been so cold, I would've placed eggs on the landing and possibly the slide as I had done every year prior, but not that year.  Too cold, too tired.....my biggest regret.  

April 1, 2014...Yesterday was March but Today is April

Journal:  I woke up so sad and anxious.  I've felt so great for the past few days, so strong since I voiced to a friend last Tuesday that I needed her to not have gone and gotten a boob job when she did (just months after Gracie's death).  For weeks that was her focus along with recovery.   I needed her to not go on the vacation following the boobs (which was the reason for the boobs) that wasn't planned or scheduled before Gracie passed away.  She was who I wanted to process with, whose support I felt I needed.  I put her above family in my support because she was at the hospital.  Ultimately, in hindsight, I needed her to not have been the one with me at the hospital.  She is not who should've taken part in such a sacred time....holding sacred memories I would need to process through.  People are allowed to vacation, it's not that.  It's that I felt it was a deliberate attempt to escape such an inconvenience.  I know our conversation was probably hard for her to hear and I hope one day she'll understand.  I understand her inability to attend to a single task for too long but I just thought maybe this was different.  I realize, to her, it wasn't.  I get it but it doesn't make it easier to be around her so it's best I'm not.  But I woke up feeling worse than I've felt in a long time.  Why?...Because yesterday was March and today is April.  That's why.  But I had to get Vi up and to the doctor by 9 so I pushed passed the pain.  Actually, I moved it onto my back and got out of bed.  (I feel as though I'm wearing a weighted down back-pack all damn day).

Vi has been a little cranky but nothing too bad.  She has an ear infection and fluid in the other ear that hasn't cleared for months.  I know it's from bottles in bed like Olivia had but she doesn't take a bink.  I can't let her cry to sleep and she doesn't let me rock her.  It's her routine now.  We are leaving in two days, on a plane and I hope she does ok.

We decided to go out of town for the Angel Anniversary.  I knew it needed to be big and more than just Park City for me to actually go.  I wanted warm and so full of fun for the kids....complete distraction.  We are going to Florida!  I can't wait until we tell them at the airport tomorrow morning. They think we are going to Park City.

You would never know she has an ear infection.  She is such a joy and the reason I get up in the morning.  

March 31, 2014 FB Post: Here's What I Need....

As Gracie's Angel Anniversary approaches I'm struggling with overwhelming emotions. I've had several ask, "What can I do to support you and your family on this day?" How we grieve is such a personal thing so to try to find the answer to that question in an article, book or a friend who suffered loss won't do because they are not me. I realized I need to answer that question to avoid any unintended hurt. What to do?....I always welcome and appreciate any private notes, cards or messages of support so this week would be no different! Please don't feel you need to do anything but simply "like" this post. That's enough support and love for me! What not to do?.....I need to ask that there be no public displays associated with Gracie's Angel Dates. Public display for her Birthday is awesome and welcomed but that's not until May 28th! I may not always feel this way, but for this year, at this stage of my grief, this is what I need:) Thank you all for your continued prayers and support! XOXO

I tried to put this as nice as possible.  I remember I talked with someone who asked if they could post something on their Facebook site honoring Gracie.  For some reason this just put a pit in my stomach.  I didn't and still don't want others posting anything about Gracie. They don't have the right to do that.  It wouldn't be honoring Gracie when they didn't have a relationship with her.  It would be using Gracie to draw attention to themselves....it just wasn't ok with me.  However, I found out almost 4 years later that the Becker family saw this as "rules" and didn't like being told what they could and could not do.  I was told they felt I had "Too many rules" and they would just stay away and wait until I figured it out.  When a mutual acquaintance inquired about me to Jeremy's niece December 2016, she said, "She has too many rules so we just don't talk with her.  She just had lists of what people could say or couldn't say and my mom just got sick of it." When I heard this I was so heartbroken.  I asked George (Jeremy's Dad) if what I heard was true.  He confirmed that it was. It was my fault the family keeps their distance.  Thank God I have my family.   

😢

March 23, 2014 Journal Entry-Lock of Hair.

I've just drugged myself up the past couple days and I feel great.  Actually, today I haven't taken anything and for the most part I'm ok but I've felt more anxious than I have the past couple days.  I went to Gracie's grave and laid down next to her and cried.  I had always thought her fee were by the headstone but figured out the other day that her head is...thus, it's the headstone.  I was also upset with myself that I didn't take a lock of her hair.  I can't remember but I think someone said something to me about it or I just thought about it but didn't think it was necessary--I just didn't grasp the reality and finality of what was happening at the time.

Jeremy is out of town.  He and some co-workers went to take equipment and guys to work in North Dakota.  They left early this morning and will get back tomorrow night.  I've just tried to stay buy but I'm of course anxious.  I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him.  I know I would have to keep going for the kids but he's how and why I've gotten this far with Gracie.  I do however pray he will find peace.  I know he blames himself and it's torture for him daily.  It breaks my heart.

Yesterday I was finally able to say, "I accept that other have problems." I know this of course but since April 4th I could not believe or accept that anyone had bigger issues than me.  I still want to punch anyone who says it to me but I can finally see it.  I guess that means I'm settling into my pain.  I'm getting used to it and it's not so over-bearing, new, foreign.  I know that pain is pain, sorrow is sorrow, grief is grief.  The difference is how long you're expected to endure it.

March 21-22, 2014 FB Posts: Good Feeling Gone

March 21, 2014 FB Post:  I love soccer...friends from high school know best. But today I love soccer because last night Olivia positioned two corner kicks perfectly for her teammates to score. Watching her excitement, looking over at Jeremy and Vi cheering from the warmth of the car, Izsak obnoxiously stuffing grass down a friend's shirt, and feeling Gracie coaching next to me on the sideline...I felt that moment of pure joy. Something so simple brought joy that has carried me today. I have felt a lightness and ability to acknowledge that other people have problems too (a reality I have not been willing to accept since April 4th). Regardless of the event, joy is joy, just like sorrow is sorrow, hurt is hurt. The only difference is how long you must endure it. I love soccer!

(I was starting to lose support on FB and knew the more positive I was, the more "likes" I would get.  I needed support to continue and was so fearful is was fading....and it was.) 

March 22, 2014 FB Post:  Dang it all, I was doing so well. I'm sure it doesn't help that Jeremy's out of town but it's almost midnight and I just can't sleep. In the words of Marlin the Clown Fish, "Good feeling gone." 

frown emoticon I know someone might comment "just keep swimming"....I will unfriend you. I am down to my last 8 pictures of Gracie before the hospital, funeral, and then her grave with each changing season's decor. I'm reliving the last weeks of Gracie's life a year ago with only 8 pictures left. Yes, firsts have been hard but so will seconds and thirds because I won't have just last year to look back on; to have comfort knowing I kissed Gracie, held her, slept next to her in my bed this time last year. Having to say 2 years ago, 3 years ago, etc., terrifies me. Looking through my final pictures is overwhelming, knowing the outcome and there's nothing I can do to fix it or make it better. It's such a helpless feeling. It's like a really bad movie...you know, the kind with a not so happy ending. They aren't very common because they generally don't get good reviews. Missing my Gracie so badly tonight.  

(I needed people to know that although I had good moments, I didn't want to give the impression that it was more frequently than it was because then I was "Fine" and they would continue to retreat)

March 19, 2014 Almost a year--Night Sweats and Panic Attacks

I've been waking up with night sweats and panic attacks in the middle of the night.  I wake fearing something will happen to Vi and feeling that I've done something wrong or I'm in trouble for something.  Maybe it's that I've been less vocal so I'm internalizing it more.  I don't know.  Went for a walk last Sunday and seeing all the kids out playing caused anxiety and sadness.  I talked with neighbors and conversation lead to what swing-set to get.  I got uncomfortable and left.  I can't even have normal conversation without it becoming awkward.

I had such pride in my parenting and now I have no credibility because I couldn't keep my child alive. It's the one thing I was good at.  Now the most ill behaved child has the better parent by comparison.

I woke up this morning angry, thinking of yelling; berating anyone at work today.  They make me perform and do all the stuff that caused them stress in their day yet they aren't dealing with the death of a child.  I know it's been almost a year but that's the problem.  The anniversary is coming .and each day I am living the last weeks of Gracie's life, knowing the end result yet she is not here.  I have 8 pictures left on my phone until we are to the hospital, funeral, then nothing.  Everyone seems to think they know the anniversary will be hard yet work isn't doing anything but assuming I'm going to do everything the rest of them are required to do and avoid or ignore me (thus treating me like I'm crazy) when I get upset.  I don't like to not have control or have power over what I do or what effects me but that doesn't seem to matter.  I just want to teach.  I don't want to deal with my student's other classes, other teachers because I don't have control of that.  I actually don't have control of their behavior at all outside my room.  This is causing me stress and anxiety.

March 13, 2014 Dear Gracie, I want to take you to Pre-School

Right after my last entry I left with Vi to get my car fixed.  I was learning the subdivision after just texting Nathalie, "It's been a fabulous day."  I passed a car that I thought was Ryan's from Appleseed.  I looked at the clock...12:28pm.  I would be taking Gracie to pre-school.  I don't know why but I turned around to drive by the preschool.  I guess I just want to see how strong I really am.  Maybe I want to torture myself.  Maybe I'll feel closer to Gracie.  For whatever reason, I did it.  Turns out, it wsn't Ryan's mom.  It was some woman I've never seen.  She was dropping off a little girl with brown hair in a stripe dress and bacpack.  She was so happy to be at pre-school.  It was the little girl who filled one of the vacant sports, Gracie's spot.  I won't let this defeat me.  This is my trial.  I want Gracie to be proud of me but I miss her so much.  Just when I'm feeling strong the wind seems to be taken from my sails.  I will not let it stop me.  I went to Gracie's grave and cried.  Then went to Big O and cried but I did not stop.  I had to take Vi to the doctor...fever for 4 days.  It's not an ear infection or strp so they had to cath her and test for bladder infection.  It was hard and the longer we were there the more anxious I felt.  Medical stuff, packages, changing, tubes, taking fluids.  It was starting to be upsetting.  No bladder infection so It's just a virus but I feel I'm right on the edge and I need to call it a day.

To Gracie,
I want to take you to pre-school but more than anything I want to pick you up.  I can see you running to me yelling, "Mommy" with your backpack swinging on your back and the straps falling off your shoulders.  We are nearing the end of our pictures.  I am so sad, devastated, there is not a strong enough word.

March 13, 2014 Journal Entry: I hope I don't mess things up.

I've had clarity.  I understand and know I needed this trial to better and strengthen my testimony.  I know that Christ had to suffer to understand and have the absolute empathy to take on all our suffering.  If you don't know what others suffer you won't be willing to serve them as fully let alone die for them.  He loves me so much and wants to do anything to ensure I will return to full glory.  Gracie leaving this Earth was part of her plan.  My trial or the trial of my faith is how I choose to live my life without her.  I feel moments when I'm strong and know those moments will be more frequent.  I just hope I don't mess things up too much while I feel so broken.  I just don't have the strength some days but I know I'm getting stronger with time and strategies...and distractions.

March 17, 2014 FB Stupid Green Shirt

It's a stupid green shirt that caused my tears today. I couldn't find anything green for Gracie to wear last year to preschool and finally settled on this salmon colored shirt with green on the bows. "Good enough! I'll do better next year." But next to all the other kids she looks like the one whose mom forgot to send their child in green. I DIDN'T!! Gracie knew she had green on, that's all that matters right? I've been telling myself that for days. That's the problem...I can't ask her, which doesn't seem like a big deal unless your child is no longer here and "mom guilt" surfaces. It becomes the biggest deal!! I can't ask her to see if it mattered, I can't hug her to be sure, I didn't get "next year". I can only look at pictures...which bring about more "mom guilt" over a stupid green shirt!

I don't know what I expected people to comment or do to make me feel better but I just wanted affirmation that I was a good mom.  I was horrified that one person's comment consisted of belittling others in the picture.  She stated that one little girl was wearing a red shirt...she wasn't.  She was holding her birthday bag in front of her.  I don't know why people just can't listen and say they are sorry.  I don't care about what other mom's did that day.  They still have their children.  It doesn't matter if they were wearing green or not.  Their children are still alive to do it right the next time if they messed up.  I don't get a next time and it was just starting to set in.  

March 9, 2014 Vi's First Birthday Journal Entry

Yesterday we had a birthday party for Izsak.  I can't believe how difficult it is to do things that just never phased me before.  I was totally unfocused and just couldn't get remotely excited about it.  My friend Nathalie helped me with it.  In fact, she did the whole thing except the food.  It helped me and I was grateful yet felt guilt all at the same time.  I should do these things and quit using grief as an excuse.  It was good though.  Tami also came up and I was so happy to have the help with Vi.  Jeremy ended up having to work so I was so grateful for her.  It was a success and I did ok but I'm starting to become that uptight, mean mom again.  Mostly because anxiety is getting the best of me.  I didn't want the party goers breaking anything of Gracie's, I didn't want them out back because of the swing.  But it's over and I started thinking of Vi's birthday.  One thing at a time!  I went and got a cake and Ice-cream last night to have Jeremy's family over tonight.  I felt good for the most part and then I turned the computer on. Big advertisement on the district home page for Kindergarten registration.  I'm trying to just get through the day and the next day.  Kindergarten isn't supposed to be a concern yet.  I still have Jeremy's birthday, pre-school Graduation, the angel anniversary, Gracie's birthday, Mother's day, Father's day....Kindergarten isn't on my emotional "to-do" list.  But now it is!! I don't think it would hurt this bad.  It's not like pre-school where we had the memories, we were registered for next year, we knew all the friends.  It wasn't supposed to be as hard.  I was SOOOOO wrong.  The kick in the gut felt the same.  The lump in the throat came the same.  The tears fell the same.  I'm devastated.  So rather than be able to be happy Vi is 1 today, I'm sad that Gracie won't be at Kindergarten registration on April 9th at 3:00.  Rather than be able to enjoy my baby's birthday I keep thinking this marks the final 4 weeks of Gracie's life and the only 4 weeks our family was complete and together on Earth.  This marks 4 weeks until Kindergarten Registration.  

Vi's First Birthday March 9, 2014 FB Post

March 9, 2014 FB Post:  A year ago today our family was complete. Happy birthday to my Vi Vi!

March 6, 2014 My "New Normal"

March 6, 2014 FB Post:  11 months today. What would I tell a grieving mom anticipating the 11th month? I still cry daily, It's not getting easier I just know I will get through it. I still remind myself..brace myself...Gracie won't be in my bed when I roll over or when I walk through the door. I've accepted that my normal has changed. I know I need to accept my "new normal" but I'm not there yet. I know there are administering angels around all of us, orchestrating every event in our lives according to God's plan. I know that without absolute faith in God's plan and in the atonement of my Savior I would not have made it 11 months.

March 2-3, 2014 My Trial is to Live

March 2, 2014 FB Post:  In talking with a friend we agreed the adversary is working double time on me lately and particularly Sundays. But this morning as I forced myself out of bed and my feet hit the floor I'm fairly certain his response was, "Damn, she's up." It's getting exhausting day after day but I pretty much kicked Satan's ass today and I plan to do it again tomorrow....sorry for the irreverence. Just not sure how else to put that.
March 3, 2014 Journal Entry: I had a clarity of thought and I hope I can express it.  I've been frustrated and absolutely discouraged with the notion that this is supposed to make me appreciate life more or make me stronger or make me a better person. Those are unattainable goals because it will never happen.  You lose your job, it makes you appreciate when you find employment again.  You lose your house, it makes you appreciate when you are able to be home owners again.  If you have a health issue, you get better and appreciate when you are well.  When you lose a child it doesn't make you appreciate your children more.  That appreciation was already at it's peak the moment I held each of them in my arms.  Gracie's death caused hurt and regret and I will never achieve that same level of happiness I had before until I hold her again.  Finding that level of happiness is an unattainable goal in this life and therefore causes discouragement, depression, and anxiety because it's not the goal of this trial.  Losing Gracie wasn't my trial.  My trial is being able to live the rest of my life without her.  Not to be happy necessarily, but to just live.  That's the goal.  To live each day (be tortured each day) knowing what true happiness was, feeling that, knowing that, and now living each day without it; learning to be "ok" without it--That is my trial and it's what I will strive to achieve....simply living.  This probably makes no sense but for whatever reason it brought me comfort tonight.  I know this is what I needed to refine my spirit.  Only a trial of this magnitude would refine a spirit so hardened.  Gracie has changed me from her birth to her death and beyond the veil.  She is helping me become the person my Heavenly Father sees.  The person my spirit is wanting me to be.

February 2014 Field Trip: FB vs. Journal

February 26, 2014 Journal Entry (My Real Emotion):  The night before last night I was scrolling through Facebook before falling asleep and just caught a glimpse of tiny people in Appleseed shirts.  I then remembered it would be the week of the fieldtrip.  I didn't think it would effect me because they weren't going to Pizza Man (Pizza Planet as Gracie called it) like last year but I was wrong.  I didn't cry or anything but just felt sad.  That night I had a dream I was holding Gracie.  She was smaller but her hair and face were her age.  She was awake but was almost or seemed to be in a vegetative state.  I kept kissing her hoping she would come out of it.  She kept saying "mommy" over and over.  I woke up so incredibly sad and even thinking about it now brings such raw emotion.  I loved being able to hold her in my arms, feel her soft warm cheeks on my lips, hear her voice but then become so upset thinking of her in whatever state she was in...unresponsive, dying?  I don't know but it was horrible.  I thought I just wouldn't go to work but the idea of dumping on my department, getting plans for a sub, having to call Roxanne, and ultimately not being able to just lay in bed and cry because I have my beautiful Vi, made me get up.  I realized that when I do that (push past that desire of the adversary to be weak, as my feet hit the floor, I can hear him say, "Damn, she's up." I've pretty much kicked his ass everyday for almost a year.  I'm tired but I triumph everyday.  
I called Jen Aland to get the specifics on the field trip thinking that would help me move past it.  I cried all morning, kept it together during class, cried during planning, and was ok until Jen brought cookies from the field trip the kids made and decorated.  I could just see Gracie in them.  I could picture her sitting with her friends licking fingers, knives, the cookies, all while still continuing to apply more frosting.  The best was Jeremy's reaction.  He looked at the cookies as if Gracie had frosted them.  His eyes became bright, he smiled with a slight laugh; He saw Gracie if only for a second or two.  It made my day that they did this for us.  I miss Gracie so much and wish I had gone with her on her field trip last year.    


February 25, 2014 FB Post (Public Emotion):  I can picture it....about 10 little 4/5 year olds sitting around a table, spreading a little frosting then stopping to lick the dab they got on their finger...oh and then the knife...oh and then the cookie...oh and might as well take a bite...Now put more frosting on the cookie and repeat:). I love it and see Gracie with each frosted cookie! Thank you Appleseed for thinking of us and making these cookies for us on your field trip today!!

February 2014 It's been 10 months

February 7, 2014 FB post:  

It's been 10 months and I don't want another day to pass. I feel like Gracie is further out of my reach with each passing day. It's hard to look at pictures from this time last year because I know it's some of the last. In just two more months my pictures will end. I experienced such sadness this morning. I had tears streaming down my face and couldn't stop them because I wasn't actively crying. It's hard to explain but it wasn't a response from the act of crying, it was an involuntary response from the pain in my heart, stomach, everywhere. I've never experienced this and not attributed it to some element in the air. I just want the horrible feeling to stop. It's exhausting, draining, consuming. Other angel moms have said it will ease with time. It's hard to believe since the passing of time seems to be the source of my sadness now...oh the hell of grief. But with all this pain there is also support from many friends and family and I am forever grateful for all the thoughts, prayers, love and distractions:)!!
December 28, 2016:  looking at this post 3 years later, I remember thinking I always had to end with a positive "thanks for the support" because there always has to be a happy ending for "friends" to "like" you. 

February 8, 2014 FB Post:  My dad's cousin Chris experienced the death of his teenage daughter, Viola Bell many years ago.  He said it's not that it gets better or easier, it gets more hidden like a picture in a collage.  The more memories you continue to make, the more hidden the hurt.  So many pictures to add to my collage in just one day! But it's amazing how just one shake up can make all the other pictures fall and leave you staring at the one picture left that causes the most heartache and painful regrets. All it took was seeing the boxes of Easter candy packaged on large crates in the isles of Smith and panic shot straight at my heart. I regret not taking more or better pictures of Gracie's last Easter. It was too cold and I was too lazy to go get decent pictures of the Easter Egg hunt. I regret forgetting to take pictures of the kids in their church clothes Easter Sunday because now I don't have one single picture of the family or even all 4 kids to add to my collage. Why on earth do they have to put Easter candy out so early?

February 13, 2014 FB Post:  I was beyond distracted all day thinking that Gracie should be at preschool handing out her "balentimes" to her friends. I came home and saw my door!!! Thank you, thank you Teacher Misty and all Gracie's Appleseed friends for making extra special valentines for Gracie today!!

February 16, 2014 FB Post:I felt so good the past couple days. Had moments of sadness of course but not the gut wrenching sense of panic that causes me to "ugly cry". Seeing the Stake President on the stand at ward conference and his mention of his wife took my thoughts to the hospital when we were facing our nightmare. I had not been aware his wife was in the waiting room until days or even weeks later. I was wondering if I would recognize her if I saw her. Would it bring back other suppressed memories from those hours? I let the thought pass and continued listening to the meeting. We started to sing the closing hymn and by the 3rd verse the memories and emotions were all too clear and raw from that horrible yet astoundingly spiritual and peaceful day. The words are beautiful but strike such intense emotion even as I sit here tonight.

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
I'm most certainly being held up by His hand each day.

February 21, 2014 FB Post:  You know the inspirational sayings, “That which doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger” or “Don’t become bitter, become better” or when people say things like, “This life was meant for us to experience trials.” These sayings have started to piss me off. Keep in mind, this is a stage of grief and it’s been a hard week so judge accordingly but here’s why. There are trials that make us stronger but let’s just be clear for future postings that the death of a child (the death of my daughter) is not one of them. It has ruined me and for almost a year now has continued to ruin me. I’m not stronger, I feel crazy, I can’t handle things, I’m paranoid, I’m out of control, I’m so emotional, I push others away convinced they will eventually retreat on their own because I am not ME and I never will be again. That which didn’t kill me is resulting in something so much worse.