March 19, 2014 Almost a year--Night Sweats and Panic Attacks

I've been waking up with night sweats and panic attacks in the middle of the night.  I wake fearing something will happen to Vi and feeling that I've done something wrong or I'm in trouble for something.  Maybe it's that I've been less vocal so I'm internalizing it more.  I don't know.  Went for a walk last Sunday and seeing all the kids out playing caused anxiety and sadness.  I talked with neighbors and conversation lead to what swing-set to get.  I got uncomfortable and left.  I can't even have normal conversation without it becoming awkward.

I had such pride in my parenting and now I have no credibility because I couldn't keep my child alive. It's the one thing I was good at.  Now the most ill behaved child has the better parent by comparison.

I woke up this morning angry, thinking of yelling; berating anyone at work today.  They make me perform and do all the stuff that caused them stress in their day yet they aren't dealing with the death of a child.  I know it's been almost a year but that's the problem.  The anniversary is coming .and each day I am living the last weeks of Gracie's life, knowing the end result yet she is not here.  I have 8 pictures left on my phone until we are to the hospital, funeral, then nothing.  Everyone seems to think they know the anniversary will be hard yet work isn't doing anything but assuming I'm going to do everything the rest of them are required to do and avoid or ignore me (thus treating me like I'm crazy) when I get upset.  I don't like to not have control or have power over what I do or what effects me but that doesn't seem to matter.  I just want to teach.  I don't want to deal with my student's other classes, other teachers because I don't have control of that.  I actually don't have control of their behavior at all outside my room.  This is causing me stress and anxiety.