March 9, 2014 Vi's First Birthday Journal Entry

Yesterday we had a birthday party for Izsak.  I can't believe how difficult it is to do things that just never phased me before.  I was totally unfocused and just couldn't get remotely excited about it.  My friend Nathalie helped me with it.  In fact, she did the whole thing except the food.  It helped me and I was grateful yet felt guilt all at the same time.  I should do these things and quit using grief as an excuse.  It was good though.  Tami also came up and I was so happy to have the help with Vi.  Jeremy ended up having to work so I was so grateful for her.  It was a success and I did ok but I'm starting to become that uptight, mean mom again.  Mostly because anxiety is getting the best of me.  I didn't want the party goers breaking anything of Gracie's, I didn't want them out back because of the swing.  But it's over and I started thinking of Vi's birthday.  One thing at a time!  I went and got a cake and Ice-cream last night to have Jeremy's family over tonight.  I felt good for the most part and then I turned the computer on. Big advertisement on the district home page for Kindergarten registration.  I'm trying to just get through the day and the next day.  Kindergarten isn't supposed to be a concern yet.  I still have Jeremy's birthday, pre-school Graduation, the angel anniversary, Gracie's birthday, Mother's day, Father's day....Kindergarten isn't on my emotional "to-do" list.  But now it is!! I don't think it would hurt this bad.  It's not like pre-school where we had the memories, we were registered for next year, we knew all the friends.  It wasn't supposed to be as hard.  I was SOOOOO wrong.  The kick in the gut felt the same.  The lump in the throat came the same.  The tears fell the same.  I'm devastated.  So rather than be able to be happy Vi is 1 today, I'm sad that Gracie won't be at Kindergarten registration on April 9th at 3:00.  Rather than be able to enjoy my baby's birthday I keep thinking this marks the final 4 weeks of Gracie's life and the only 4 weeks our family was complete and together on Earth.  This marks 4 weeks until Kindergarten Registration.