July 2, 2013 FB Post: bad-ass

My little Izsak asked me if Heavenly Father thought about how we would feel before taking Gracie from us. My heart broke more but I told him, "We aren't given trials we weren't aware of before this life and we knew we could get through them." That is what I believe. What I first thought was,"Yep, but He went and did it anyway." What I felt like saying was.......

June 30 Facebook-Tourettes

A person with Tourette Syndrome has uncontrollable behaviors “ticks” such as swearing, excessive blinking, shaking, etc. It was explained to me that they can keep these behaviors at bay for a short period of time. However, one minute too long and the behavior manifests like a flood of water when a dam breaks. I totally understand this now. My “ticks” are my tears and it makes me very anxious in social situations. One minute too long and the dam breaks. At least my swearing is under control :)...unless I find the bastard who took Gracie’s butterfly light from her grave…..Tourette’s! I'm always missing my Gracie but lately it's just brutal.

June 25 FB Post-Gracie Robot

Gracie's little friend just came to the door. He wanted to play with Izsak. He asked me if I knew Gracie was dead and that she could hear us and see us. I told him I knew and that her spirit was here, just not her body. He then told me he could build me a Gracie robot and I could keep it!:)

June 24 Facebook Post

I looked at this picture last night and the pain kicked me square in the gut. I sobbed to the point I thought I would wake the family. I tried talking myself out of the hurt..."she's in a better place, you can do this, she doesn't want you to be sad" bla,bla,bla....no good..I cried myself to sleep (again) sure I would feel better in the morning. I didn't. But I got up, took a shower, put on some clean sweats:) and went through the actions and motions of today. Right now I can look at the picture and I feel ok, who knows how I will feel in 10 minutes. This is grief...it's like a crazy neighbor you just can't anticipate or avoid:) I sure love the memory of this picture but I hate that sometimes it's so painful to remember..but again, I'm grateful it's not that painful all the time:)

June 16 and 18 Facebook Posts-Summer Games without You.

• June 16:  I was able to help coach Liv's team for the bronze medal win at Utah Summer Games. I'm so happy for my "steel wall" Olivia but missing my "tri-athlete" Gracie so much it hurts. These pictures make me smile but I wonder when a smile will (again) mean I'm actually happy.
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• June 18:  When we arrived at Gracie's grave tonight we were touched that one of our team members had given Gracie a bronze medal. I'm so touched they thought of her. Of course she should have one for playing right alongside Liv:) Thank you so much!

June 13, 2013 Journal Entry (2 months)

A  smile used to mean I was happy.  Laughing used to mean life was great.  Now a smile will never mean I am happy because I'm not and laughing won't mean life is great because it will never be again.  I know I should be glad, happy, grateful for my other children and I am.  But being glad, happy grateful for them does not take away the pain, sorrow, misery, and void from Gracie's death.  I am so sad.  

My journal entries were more honest than my posts to Facebook.  I feared if I were too negative on Facebook I would lose support.  It took me about 18 months to realize what a false sense of support Facebook was for me and that I needed to be honest about how I felt.  I needed to be able to feel what I needed when I needed to without judgement.  If not, I would only feel worse....and didn't think that was possible.

June 6 Facebook Post: 2 months

It's been two months to the date. I went to Old Navy today and had to keep reminding myself not to get anything for Gracie. Then I remembered the new pair of flip-flops, summer dress and shorts I had just bought for her, hanging in the laundry room, tags still attached. Two months ago and some moments hurt as if it were just yesterday. 


Looking at this post 2 years later I can't believe I felt I should feel anything but misery after only 2 months.  Why did I feel I should be feeling better at only 2 months?