A smile used to mean I was happy. Laughing used to mean life was great. Now a smile will never mean I am happy because I'm not and laughing won't mean life is great because it will never be again. I know I should be glad, happy, grateful for my other children and I am. But being glad, happy grateful for them does not take away the pain, sorrow, misery, and void from Gracie's death. I am so sad.
My journal entries were more honest than my posts to Facebook. I feared if I were too negative on Facebook I would lose support. It took me about 18 months to realize what a false sense of support Facebook was for me and that I needed to be honest about how I felt. I needed to be able to feel what I needed when I needed to without judgement. If not, I would only feel worse....and didn't think that was possible.
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