April 30, 2015 A New Start For Unfair Trials.

 I have felt like such a failure professionally since the change in Special Ed. Director in Weber District caused a change in my job as a curriculum coach.  I'm back in the classroom full time which is fine but it's not a challenge anymore.  I'm good at what I do but I am miserable professionally and was trying to rebuild that when Gracie died.  I need to find my passion for my job again and maybe I never will but I have to try something different.  I am taking a job as a Behavior Specialist for Ogden School District.  It will be a challenge and is an area I am or used to be passionate about.  I job shadowed today and will let Weber know for sure tomorrow.  

I can no longer explain the emotions I am feeling or maybe I'm just tired of trying.  I just feel completely empty.  How do you ever become happy again if what is supposed to make you happy makes you miserable?  What once brought joy just brings pain because I miss Gracie so much.  I just feel indifferent and completely unmotivated toward everything.  How much longer can we survive like this?  Why did we have to lose our Gracie?  Why do we feel so comfortless?  Jeremy is struggling as well.  He asked to be released from Elders Quorum President feeling his faith is wavering.  Week after week we are having to endure false teachings of people who claim to have received miracles because their faith and prayers.  What about our faith and prayers? It just doesn't do much to strengthen our testimonies.  I really wanted to endure my trials well in this life but I give up.  This isn't a trial.  This is cruel and unusual punishment.  I wasn't given a fair trial.  I was slapped with a life sentence and left to constantly torture myself wondering, "What did I do wrong?"

April 13, 2015 CPR and Prayer

 Last night I had a dream Olivia fell into a partially frozen lake.  I waited with Gracie and Vi to see if she would surfaced but she didn't. I jumped in and got her but she wasn't breathing.  I performed mouth to mouth and she woke up and so did I.  Once again, waking from one nightmare to the reality of my other.  

There is always a trigger for my nightmares and panic attacks.  I keep thinking if I can analyze it, I can predict it moving forward and prevent it. I attribute the trigger for this nightmare to Izsak going to scouts last Wednesday night.  They did CPR training and after returning home he asked to sleep in my bed.  As we were going to sleep (Jeremy had gone for a run) he said he remembered Gracie's chest rising and falling with each of Jeremy's breaths....the same as the CPR dummy did at scouts.  He said, "The paramedics came and Dad held Vi and walked around the house.  He wouldn't hold still."  He said that Jeremy would stop and kneel down to pray.  Izsak said they took turns praying and at one point one of the paramedics knelt and prayed with them in the hallway of our house "because Dad was crying too hard". 

I was so touched by this but so upset at the same time that God could watch and listen to this pleading father and not change the course of what was happening.  I understand God has a plan I just don't understand the constant and continued pain to follow that plan.

Today I went to church with the intent to just take the sacrament and leave.  I didn't even make it that far.  A little girl had just been baptized and stood at the start of the meeting in her white dress.  I felt the pain in my gut and all I endured emotionally yesterday and last night.  Everything started to flood over me.  Pandora's box had opened and I could not contain it.  I gathered Vi and left.  I've slept all afternoon and now wonder, "When will this end?"

April 12, 2015 Permission to Give Up? Two years

 The last few weeks have been so hard.  It feels like I haven't made any progress at all and like Gracie just died last week yet it's been two years.  I've endured this heartache and pain for 2 years.

We surprised the kids with a trip to Disneyland.  I find myself still hoping that I'll see Gracie somehow at these places and events she was once present and so happy.  It obviously wasn't the case so instead of being happy at the place I had experienced as "the happiest place on Earth" was sad and empty.  I felt so guilty not being able to fully enjoy it like I once had.  Although it was great to be together as a family in a place that held so many memories, it was painful and left me emotionally drained to the point of nightmares and panic.  Since returning home, one thing I will always cherish is the Mickey Mouse hoodie Izsak bought me.  I didn't want to indulge in such an expensive "want" and he bought it with the help of Jeremy and gave it to me over ice-cream.  What a sweetheart.  Little signs of Gracie were everywhere...butterflies overhead at the parade, Jessie from Toy Story being at the right place and the right time for a photo op.  But signs aren't enough.  I want my Gracie.

Yesterday was the anniversary of Gracie's Funeral and I felt it as soon as I woke up.  I had to drag myself out of bed knowing we had Izsak's first Lacrosse game and Olivia's soccer.  Too busy of a day to be able to pull the covers up over my head and tune out the world.  I had just woke from a nightmare where Jeremy had taken Vi to the doctor and was told she would soon die of an incurable disease.  I wanted to go back to sleep and dream of something else but then I would simply just wake to a different nightmare....my reality.  

Already anxious, we traveled to Woods Cross for Lacrosse.  We arrived and were into the match when I saw George and Mary approach. I waved and was confused when they walked past us to meet up with another man and his kids.  It was Jeremy's brother.  His kids had just been playing soccer at the same field or a nearby field.  The little cousins were in their little soccer uniforms and had just played their first games.  One a year older than Gracie and one a year younger, they were proud but shy when talking about their games just as I would've imagined Gracie to be. Seeing the little cousins in uniform knowing Gracie would've been as well was too much to take.  Why were they there?  Why didn't I know they were coming?  Would it have made a difference?  It looked as though their was another baby on the way and why was this a surprise for me?  I felt ambushed.  Are they having a 4th child and going to be able to raise all 4 of their kids but I can't?  I just did my best to watch Izsak (since none of them were) and ignore all the causes to the pain in my stomach and the tears stinging my eyes.  

As we drove to Logan for Liv's game the anxiety overpowered me and I began to cry.  I started to feel my body shake and wanted to curl up in a blanket and lay on the floor of the car (the same feeling I had the first day back to school after Gracie's death) but I had to coach Live's game.  I was the only coach today with only 12 girls able to play.  I wish someone would give me permission to give up...stop everything, because I don't feel I can give the permission to myself.  

April 2, 2015 Forget the Shower

 Last Saturday they had a baby shower for Jeremy's niece.  The sister was in town but only communicated with Jeremy via text.  Jeremy had a busy weekend with work and Church but I was home.  She didn't call me which indicates she's either afraid or doesn't care to see me.  Either way it hurts.  The last communication I've had with her was when she sent me that text at Thanksgiving.  I'm sorry my emotions make them so uncomfortable.  I haven't spoken to her in almost 2 years.  I'm so hurt they planned the shower for the weekend I asked them not to, it's Gracie's Angel Anniversary. I felt selfish for even asking but they had several weekends to choose from and I asked that it not be this one.  I just couldn't go not being able to anticipate the emotional landmines I might encounter.  

I'm sitting here feeling emotions hitting so hard.  Two years ago on a Thursday evening I left for soccer and came home to a nightmare.  The nightmare has continued for 2 years.  

I've been trying to process what has bothered me about Jeremy's family.  I used to have a relationship with them.  I was the one they called.  I was the one they would communicate with but that has all changed.  For 15 years, I was that person but because my behavior over the past 2 years or the couple times (because it's only been a couple) they've interacted with me have been uncomfortable they have withdrawn and will only talk with Jeremy.  At the time I need their support the most, they withdraw.  Jeremy doesn't understand why it upsets me so much.  He doesn't understand that I need them to try harder.  I don't understand why I have to get over it and be more understanding of them and how I make them feel.  Their child didn't die, they aren't the ones whose lives were turned upside-down.  They just aren't supportive or strong enough to handle being my support.  They aren't strong enough for this which is I guess why this didn't happen to them.  

2/23/2015 LIfeFlight

 I was sitting at my desk in my classroom and saw a had received an email from a woman in my neighborhood.  The same woman tagged me in the song "A Different Kind of Christmas" to which I commented back "Should've been called a shitty-ass Christmas" (and I wonder why people are so uncomfortable around me).  I opened the email which was titled "I thought you might like to have this" and the blood drained from my head, down my spine and my arms went numb.  It was a video of Life Flight taking off from in front of our house on April 4, 2013.  The man behind the camera seemed so entertained.  Why on Earth was this being emailed among neighbors?  It's a good thing I'm on meds now.  After feeling such anguish for so long, I'm on Lexapro. I'm sure the seemingly well intended Bitch who sent me the video doesn't realize that Lexapro saved her inconsiderate ass.  I'm pretty numb, robotic most of the time.  I don't like being so emotionless but Jeremy and I agree it's better than the overwhelming emotions I was feeling before.  

It's a little confusing and it bothers me that I wasn't feeling any emotions yesterday.  I couldn't feel the spirit even if I wanted to and I didn't feel sad when I thought of my situation.  That changed last night when I was at Mom's for family gathering.  I realized Eli is now older than Gracie.  Mom took him shopping for his birthday when he was 3 years, 10 months old.  He turned 4 in November.  I cried, I felt so sad but I contained most of the emotion and allowed just a few tears to escape.  I allowed myself to feel human for a minute while in the presence of others.  

It never ends, even now, meds dull the hurt a little but it's still very present and continues to distract me throughout my day.  I'm ready for it to end.  If I don't feel the pain, I really just feel nothing and I'm not sure what's worse.   

February 9, 2015 Continued Torture

 I used to want to talk to people about what I was feeling or have them talk with me.  I thought this helped.  I've realized it doesn't and in church I realized I would just rather they didn't talk to me.  Conversation is so empty and meaningless.  I don't care who calls or if I call them back. Mom sent a text, "Do you want to do dinner Monday?" and because the last visit (I felt obligated to accept) was nothing more than an uncomfortable visiting teaching moment, I simply responded back, "I don't think so."  In the past I would've never declined Mom's invitation and would've felt horrible if I had.  I feel nothing.  I'm tired of others being able to control when it's convenient to offer support because it leaves me feeling empty and exhausted.  I accept and engage to make THEM feel better and spare THEIR feelings.  My Mom just needs to check off her list and I've allowed her that.....to always be able to check me off her list.  I'm ready to just be alone.  For almost 2 years I've accepted I'm alone and it's easier so let me now be alone.  I wanted my mom to be around more since I had Olivia but she never had the time.  As hard as that was it was nothing to how the past 22 months of her absence has been.  Now I just simply don't want it.  She is too much of a stranger to me to ever be of any support or comfort again.  The past 22 months is when I've needed her and she just didn't do enough to be here.  If it were really just work that would one thing but adding up all the time she devotes to her own siblings and her support to Rob's family still, it's about 5 times the time she has spent with me.  It's hurtful.  

I called another Angel Mom to see if talking with another grieving Mom would help.  It didn't.  We are in different places in regards to grief and our relationships with our children were different.  She did mention a book I've had for a while but haven't read.  One reason I haven't read is the title, "Joy Cometh in the Morning", another is the plot of a mom who lost an infant.  As hard as losing a child is, losing an almost 4 year old because she hung herself in the backyard adds a whole other element.  

I started reading the book and found comfort.  The authors feelings and grief were so similar to mine.  But then she begins to heal and talks about suffering being part of the "The Plan" and what refines us.  I get that and before Gracie's death I believed that.  What I realize now causes me to be seemingly digressing in my mourning is the feeling that this is not just suffering; I am being tortured.  Our daughter didn't die of a heart condition.  She died because she hung on a slide for an unknow amount of time while her dad frantically searched for her.  She died because she was playing outside by herself.  She died because I had another baby.  She died because I couldn't say no to being "Super Mom".  TORTURE....was she scared wondering where we were and why we weren't helping her?  How long did she lie there before passing out?  Was she trying to call out for me?  Why do these even need to be questions?  Why would a loving Heavenly Father allow such torture?  Sorrow, suffering, grief, heartache are part of life's experiences to become more like our Father and Mother in Heaven, I get that.  I don't get this.  

We were supposed to have the missionaries join us for Family Home Evening.  On my way home I felt panic setting in.  Will they ask about Gracie?  Will I just sit and cry to them? Do I still think they can fix it? Will I expect them to make me feel better? Will they make me feel worse?  I don't want to entertain, make a dessert, plan a lesson around gospel principles I'm struggling to believe.  I expressed my anxiety to Jeremy and he cancelled.  Come to find out it was Jeremy's attempt to bring the spirit into our home.  Now I fell guilty for not only chasing The Spirit off but preventing it or the missionaries from entering my home.  This is not who I want to be.  The last time I voiced that, God killed one of my children in an effort to change me....make me a better person.  It didn't work.  

Feb. 4, 2015 Failure

I started crying last night as the anxiety built, thinking of all the things I had to do this week.  Our calendar isn't any busier than any other week.  In fact, it's actually not as full but everything is overwhelming and causes anxiety.  I just want to sit home with my kids and watch T.V.  It's safe, it's comfortable and I don't have to talk with anyone.  I am so afraid I will just continue to fail.  I failed as a parent.  I can't give any parenting advice, discipline info, etc., because I failed as a parent...the one thing I thought I was good at...I failed!!  Fear of failure is so apparent in society and causes enough anxiety that people do anything to safeguard from it.  The best athlete will go so far as to fake an injury or illness at the start of a competition so if they fail there is an excuse.  They won't have to feel the failure because it was due to something not in their control.  Either that or they simply refuse to compete and avoid failure altogether.  I don't feel the anxiety and fear before a competition, I feel it when I wake up.  All day...every day....I AM A FAILURE.

I took the day off to take Liv and Vi for their well child visits and shots.  They are both happy and healthy.  As I sat in the waiting room I saw the safety poster hanging on the wall.  I started to feel panic.  I then thought of the SuperBowl commercial stating "The #1 cause of deaths in children are preventable accidents."  Here comes the blame and shame and it's not even 10:00 am.

Dr. Barhorst has always been so supportive and has never made me feel less than that but the visit just became increasingly more difficult.  Vi is 35" tall (5 inches shorter than Gracie) and she is 32lbs (8 lbs lighter than Gracie).  I was handed papers on "keeping your toddler safe."  I was handed these same papers when I took Gracie for her 2 year well child too.  I even allowed my eyes to glance the page enough to find, "Never leave your child unattended." It didn't prevent Gracie from dying...these papers of yours.  It's bad enough having a child gone but the blame on top of that is so painful.

My friend Aspen texted me about a job position in Ogden District as an Instructional Coach.  Three years ago I would've been perfect for the job but I feel no more qualified now than had I been "a stay at home mom" for the past 12 years.  FEAR OF FAILURE.... I won't even apply because fearing I won't get the job isn't as bad as the fear I won't do a good job.  I was once the best presenter, trainer, teacher and now I sit at my desk and wait for the time to pass.  I have no desire to do anything else.

I had horrible dreams throughout the night of people being disappointed with me, upset, accusatory; Jeremy's family especially.  In my dream they wouldn't let me see or talk with Jeremy because they thought I had been so horrible to them and him.  Gracie was in the dream too but it was too erratic for me to make any sense of it.  I woke and cried all morning.  I feel like the most useless, worthless person ever.  I don't want to sleep tonight for fear of waking with the same feeling tomorrow.  I just don't want to continue on like this. I can't.