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While in Florida, I thought I had lost my necklace with all the charms that remind me of Gracie. I had actually just left it at the hotel. I felt this was such a betrayal to Gracie. How could I go on a family vacation without her? How could I forget my necklace that will show her that I have not forgotten her? I needed something to show Gracie that I'm always thinking of her, that she is part of me and my family, that I need her to always be with me and never think for a second we've forgotten her. I wanted her to know that every step I take I am missing her.
She had signed Jeremy's birthday card just a week before she passed away. I remember sitting at the counter with her. She was sitting to my right and signing her name on his card with a pen. Her tongue was sticking out (ever so slightly) as she wrote a backward, upside-down G. Next, she wrote an "i". I responded, "I didn't know you could do an 'i'!!" She smiled and did another one followed by another backward, upside-down G which she filled in as an added bonus. Her little 3-year-old signature, that moment, that precious memory will forever be part of every step I take.
I can't remember where I got the idea, but I decided to take the family on a trip over the Angel Anniversary. I wanted to be away from home and somewhere forced to engage with my kids and be distracted. I needed them happy because I was miserable.
We went to Florida for our first "Angel Trip". I can't even talk about it without crying because I hate that we did a trip like that without Gracie. I know her spirit was with us but it's just not what I want. I want her here. She would've loved it. I'm glad we went because we were forced to leave the hotel and go play with the kids. It was hard but I don't regret going. Vi did great on the plane despite an ear infection, teething, and shots two days before. She loves people and says, "Hi" to everyone. The rest is babble but she knows exactly what she's saying. There was a gentleman sitting next to us on the plane and she made his day. She kept trying to take his phone. She would stand next to him, on the seat in between us, tilt her head so she could force him to look into her eyes, hold out her hand and say, "Hi." She wanted his phone. He was texting his wife about her because she was just too adorable.
It was the kids' first time on a plane and they were so excited. They thought we were going to Park City until we pulled up to the airport so they were a little overwhelmed and my attention was on getting them on the plane. I cried when the plane took off, feeling as though we were leaving Gracie behind. How can I be happy in these moment with my children who are living when my heart is breaking for the child who died? How unfair that moments that used to bring (and should bring) pure joy and complete happiness are now intertwined with heartache and misery.
I kept my focus on the kids and Jeremy. I love that we were "Forced" to move and have fun. I loved being on the roller-coasters because it genuinely made me happy for that moment. The kids loved the trip and didn't notice the sorrow and misery Jeremy and I were feeling ....mission accomplished!
Today is Easter Sunday. Although Gracie's Angel dates have passed, Easter is still a first. Gracie's accident was 4 days after Easter last year. I've dreaded Easter. They are the last pictures I have of Gracie and they aren't good pictures. I was tired from being up with Vi and it was cold outside when they did their Easter egg hunt. I didn't leave the deck and just took a couple quick pictures. I remember thinking, "I'll do better next year." Easter was the first Sunday we all went to church after having Vi. I forgot to take a picture of everyone in Easter clothes. Again, there's always next year....but there's not. (Something now 4 years later I hold as one of my greatest regrets).
It's been 4 years now as I type this entry from my journal to this blog. I remember telling Gracie to get shoes on but she was so excited she couldn't wait to go outside to find the eggs and said she would be fine. Not a minute later she came back in to get her shoes because the grass was so cold. Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
The swing-set was taken down and burned piece by piece by Jeremy on his birthday. If only I had seen the rope that was hanging above the slide. Had I not been so tired, or it had been so cold, I would've placed eggs on the landing and possibly the slide as I had done every year prior, but not that year. Too cold, too tired.....my biggest regret.
