Dec. 16, 2014...Uncontrollably Broken

Tonight we went to the ward Christmas party.  Izsak was the Inn Keeper so I felt I had to go when everything in me told me to stay home.  I'm just wearing down.  I was so sad visiting Gracie last night.  The pain is so fresh...so raw, as if it were just yesterday minus the shock.  I cried on the way into work this morning, pleading with God he hear my prayer and help me feel comfort.  I received a message from Barbera Wayment, "Just had a feeling to let you know how amazing I think you are." Received another text from Kari, "I want to bring you lunch this week." I know the Lord and Gracie are working through others because I'm stubborn and won't allow myself to believe/accept I feel anything but tonight I nearly reached my breaking point.  I say nearly because I'm at home and not in a behavior unit.  I struggled watching Gracie's "would be friends" Ethan and Paige color and talk about Santa at the table.  It was torture.  I watched the performance of the nativity and fully enjoyed Izsak with Vi on my lap.  All was well when the Nativity ended until the kids all started singing, "Here comes Santa Clause." I tried to tell myself it didn't matter Gracie never had her picture on Santa's lap.  I thought last year we could do it "next year" but we can't, because she died 3 months later.  I heard all the kids, saw the excitement of the parents to take pictures, video, etc., rush to place their cheering kids in line and the tears flowed freely.  I had to leave.  I waited in the car with Vi for Jeremy to clean up.  He and I didn't speak to each other the rest of the night.  What can be said to the one who gives into sadness from from the one who desperately wants to but can't because they have to pick up the pieces and keep everything moving.  I feel like we are being punished.  Karma, bad things happen to bad people, trials make you stronger, things George said about this being "good for you and Jeremy" because Jeremy was always on the fence when it came to the church.  News flash asshole, you put him there.

I have to keep living for my other 3 beautiful children but I don't want to.  They don't deserve to have any other tragedy and for them I have to remain and endure to the end.  This life sucks.  I want a "do-over".  I want Gracie back.  I really don't like the person I am or am becoming but I can't fix what is so uncontrollably broken. 

Gracie was too nervous to sit on Santa's lap at Trolley Square Mall but I took her picture anyway and thought, "We can get a picture with Santa next year." 

Dec. 2014...The Nutcracker

Valerie wanted to take Mary to see the Nutcracker and asked if any of the girls wanted to go.  I thought it would be nice to take Liv.  I was so apprehensive about going.  I would've taken Gracie and she would've loved it this year.  We all went.  While there, Angie turned and explained how sorry she was the Becker family didn't financially support or contribute when Gracie died.  They were all holding back on George's orders to see what we would need or rather, what we would ask for.  Well, almost 2 years later I wouldn't ever and won't ever ask them for a damn cent.  In tragic situations, don't you just give what you can in show of support?  So to not give a cent and wait to be asked, what does that communicate? It doesn't matter the Becker's didn't contribute money to ease the financial burden, it matters that I don't feel their support at all.  I guess Angie had to have said something to the rest and they are now reaching out due to now feeling financially obligated.  Here's the deal, it's about 18 months too late.  Our debt is ours and I don't want their money out of obligation now.  It feels like a check mark on their list but it will do nothing for me other than make me feel embarrassed and horrible and I don't need them causing me to feel worse.  When I tried to explain to Valerie, she made some comment about changing "life style" to afford things when they come up. Our finances have nothing to do with our lifestyle.  Do people really put $30,000 in the bank anticipating medical and funeral expenses for their children?  She has never had a hard day in her life.  She is prime example of self-righteous.  I called her back the next day and told her I didn't appreciate that comment.  Chalk another tally on the crazy board for me.  One more justification for them to stay away.  It continues to bother me.