Dec. 16, 2014...Uncontrollably Broken

Tonight we went to the ward Christmas party.  Izsak was the Inn Keeper so I felt I had to go when everything in me told me to stay home.  I'm just wearing down.  I was so sad visiting Gracie last night.  The pain is so fresh...so raw, as if it were just yesterday minus the shock.  I cried on the way into work this morning, pleading with God he hear my prayer and help me feel comfort.  I received a message from Barbera Wayment, "Just had a feeling to let you know how amazing I think you are." Received another text from Kari, "I want to bring you lunch this week." I know the Lord and Gracie are working through others because I'm stubborn and won't allow myself to believe/accept I feel anything but tonight I nearly reached my breaking point.  I say nearly because I'm at home and not in a behavior unit.  I struggled watching Gracie's "would be friends" Ethan and Paige color and talk about Santa at the table.  It was torture.  I watched the performance of the nativity and fully enjoyed Izsak with Vi on my lap.  All was well when the Nativity ended until the kids all started singing, "Here comes Santa Clause." I tried to tell myself it didn't matter Gracie never had her picture on Santa's lap.  I thought last year we could do it "next year" but we can't, because she died 3 months later.  I heard all the kids, saw the excitement of the parents to take pictures, video, etc., rush to place their cheering kids in line and the tears flowed freely.  I had to leave.  I waited in the car with Vi for Jeremy to clean up.  He and I didn't speak to each other the rest of the night.  What can be said to the one who gives into sadness from from the one who desperately wants to but can't because they have to pick up the pieces and keep everything moving.  I feel like we are being punished.  Karma, bad things happen to bad people, trials make you stronger, things George said about this being "good for you and Jeremy" because Jeremy was always on the fence when it came to the church.  News flash asshole, you put him there.

I have to keep living for my other 3 beautiful children but I don't want to.  They don't deserve to have any other tragedy and for them I have to remain and endure to the end.  This life sucks.  I want a "do-over".  I want Gracie back.  I really don't like the person I am or am becoming but I can't fix what is so uncontrollably broken. 

Gracie was too nervous to sit on Santa's lap at Trolley Square Mall but I took her picture anyway and thought, "We can get a picture with Santa next year."