We made it through Christmas. I cried off and on Christmas Eve and Christmas day the same as I still do everyday but it was just a little more painful with the memories. We did the Gracie ornaments with the Beckers and that was really nice. George and Mary got us a nice quote about angels with Gracie's picture. Someone made a comment about us having a "Shrine" for Gracie. I ignored and moved on. David's family had an ornament made with the picture of Christ holding Gracie. They said it was because Christmas is about Christ. Did they think I was making Christmas about Gracie because I wanted to do the ornaments? They don't have to do it. I can just do it with my family. I know Christmas is about Christ...I've kind of known that my whole life but I still miss Gracie and quite frankly I'm a little upset He gets to spend His birthday with her and I don't. Ryan's family named a star after Gracie which was very thoughtful. Over all it was a good night. I just decided to approach the night as if I were going to a work party. I don't have expectations of my co-workers in regards to my comfort from grief and I just need to do the same with the Becker family. It worked.
I deactivated my Facebook account. I realize in posting to "friends" I'm expecting them (someone) to take this pain away or fix it somehow. They can't and when they can't or don't try I get upset. It's a no win situation. If they don't know and don't know to try to fix it I can't get upset. It doesn't make sense but neither does losing a child.
I came to understand why holidays are so hard. It's the specific memories, not just the holidays themselves. If I think about the fact that I have a child that passed away, I feel a horrible sadness. But when I think about the fact that Gracie passed away...it's an unbearable pain. It wasn't just a child...which would be horrible enough...it was Gracie. I can't stand that it was my Gracie. Still so sad each day but still getting more used to it as well.
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