Jan. 4, 2015 21 months....Alone

It's almost 2 years since Gracie's accident and I'm feeling so alone.  I realize I have isolated myself because I didn't have a lot of close friends before and I haven't trusted the ones to maintain since.  I have to consciously think about all that people have done for me the past week or over the holiday.  People have done quite a bit considering it's been 21 months and my relationships with them prior.  The problem is, I'm an emotional vampire.  It doesn't matter what people do, it's not enough because it doesn't take the pain or hurt away.  The Church preaches, "Bear one another's burdens" but that once beautifully encouraging, uplifting saying is kind of bullshit.  It really messes with my psyche and has for the past 21 months.  I expect others to be able to make me feel better and bear this burden or help me but this is a situation where they just can't.  It's frustrating for them, it's hurtfully disappointing to me.  I still have a small intimate support group and I'm bracing for when they will move on as well.  I just need to be appreciative of what they are doing for me now. 

I recognize I'm trying to control when people can be allowed access to my grief...like I did with Camille.  I've still trying to process why that is such a big deal.  Take Facebook.  I would share but people could ignore and that was hurtful.  That was making me feel they were controlling my grief in a way...or I was allowing their responses and lack of to dictate if it was ok for me to be feeling the way I feel.  I feel the way I feel because my Gracie is gone.  I lost my child in the most horrible way, at the most precious age, at a very tender time in my life.  It's a lot to take in when I take myself out of it and think of this happening to someone else.  But this happened to me...it is happening to me.  I just can't allow anyone or anything to make me feel worse and I can't help them feel better about it.  I do the awkward dance with people at church.  It is awkward, I know they feel awkward and uncomfortable trying to talk with me.  Well, I guess don't talk to me because I can't help you feel better about.  Thus, I feel VERY alone.