I tried to put this as nice as possible. I remember I talked with someone who asked if they could post something on their Facebook site honoring Gracie. For some reason this just put a pit in my stomach. I didn't and still don't want others posting anything about Gracie. They don't have the right to do that. It wouldn't be honoring Gracie when they didn't have a relationship with her. It would be using Gracie to draw attention to themselves....it just wasn't ok with me. However, I found out almost 4 years later that the Becker family saw this as "rules" and didn't like being told what they could and could not do. I was told they felt I had "Too many rules" and they would just stay away and wait until I figured it out. When a mutual acquaintance inquired about me to Jeremy's niece December 2016, she said, "She has too many rules so we just don't talk with her. She just had lists of what people could say or couldn't say and my mom just got sick of it." When I heard this I was so heartbroken. I asked George (Jeremy's Dad) if what I heard was true. He confirmed that it was. It was my fault the family keeps their distance. Thank God I have my family.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
March 31, 2014 FB Post: Here's What I Need....
As Gracie's Angel Anniversary approaches I'm struggling with overwhelming emotions. I've had several ask, "What can I do to support you and your family on this day?" How we grieve is such a personal thing so to try to find the answer to that question in an article, book or a friend who suffered loss won't do because they are not me. I realized I need to answer that question to avoid any unintended hurt. What to do?....I always welcome and appreciate any private notes, cards or messages of support so this week would be no different! Please don't feel you need to do anything but simply "like" this post. That's enough support and love for me! What not to do?.....I need to ask that there be no public displays associated with Gracie's Angel Dates. Public display for her Birthday is awesome and welcomed but that's not until May 28th! I may not always feel this way, but for this year, at this stage of my grief, this is what I need:) Thank you all for your continued prayers and support! XOXO
I tried to put this as nice as possible. I remember I talked with someone who asked if they could post something on their Facebook site honoring Gracie. For some reason this just put a pit in my stomach. I didn't and still don't want others posting anything about Gracie. They don't have the right to do that. It wouldn't be honoring Gracie when they didn't have a relationship with her. It would be using Gracie to draw attention to themselves....it just wasn't ok with me. However, I found out almost 4 years later that the Becker family saw this as "rules" and didn't like being told what they could and could not do. I was told they felt I had "Too many rules" and they would just stay away and wait until I figured it out. When a mutual acquaintance inquired about me to Jeremy's niece December 2016, she said, "She has too many rules so we just don't talk with her. She just had lists of what people could say or couldn't say and my mom just got sick of it." When I heard this I was so heartbroken. I asked George (Jeremy's Dad) if what I heard was true. He confirmed that it was. It was my fault the family keeps their distance. Thank God I have my family.
I tried to put this as nice as possible. I remember I talked with someone who asked if they could post something on their Facebook site honoring Gracie. For some reason this just put a pit in my stomach. I didn't and still don't want others posting anything about Gracie. They don't have the right to do that. It wouldn't be honoring Gracie when they didn't have a relationship with her. It would be using Gracie to draw attention to themselves....it just wasn't ok with me. However, I found out almost 4 years later that the Becker family saw this as "rules" and didn't like being told what they could and could not do. I was told they felt I had "Too many rules" and they would just stay away and wait until I figured it out. When a mutual acquaintance inquired about me to Jeremy's niece December 2016, she said, "She has too many rules so we just don't talk with her. She just had lists of what people could say or couldn't say and my mom just got sick of it." When I heard this I was so heartbroken. I asked George (Jeremy's Dad) if what I heard was true. He confirmed that it was. It was my fault the family keeps their distance. Thank God I have my family.
March 23, 2014 Journal Entry-Lock of Hair.
I've just drugged myself up the past couple days and I feel great. Actually, today I haven't taken anything and for the most part I'm ok but I've felt more anxious than I have the past couple days. I went to Gracie's grave and laid down next to her and cried. I had always thought her fee were by the headstone but figured out the other day that her head is...thus, it's the headstone. I was also upset with myself that I didn't take a lock of her hair. I can't remember but I think someone said something to me about it or I just thought about it but didn't think it was necessary--I just didn't grasp the reality and finality of what was happening at the time.
Jeremy is out of town. He and some co-workers went to take equipment and guys to work in North Dakota. They left early this morning and will get back tomorrow night. I've just tried to stay buy but I'm of course anxious. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him. I know I would have to keep going for the kids but he's how and why I've gotten this far with Gracie. I do however pray he will find peace. I know he blames himself and it's torture for him daily. It breaks my heart.
Yesterday I was finally able to say, "I accept that other have problems." I know this of course but since April 4th I could not believe or accept that anyone had bigger issues than me. I still want to punch anyone who says it to me but I can finally see it. I guess that means I'm settling into my pain. I'm getting used to it and it's not so over-bearing, new, foreign. I know that pain is pain, sorrow is sorrow, grief is grief. The difference is how long you're expected to endure it.
Jeremy is out of town. He and some co-workers went to take equipment and guys to work in North Dakota. They left early this morning and will get back tomorrow night. I've just tried to stay buy but I'm of course anxious. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him. I know I would have to keep going for the kids but he's how and why I've gotten this far with Gracie. I do however pray he will find peace. I know he blames himself and it's torture for him daily. It breaks my heart.
Yesterday I was finally able to say, "I accept that other have problems." I know this of course but since April 4th I could not believe or accept that anyone had bigger issues than me. I still want to punch anyone who says it to me but I can finally see it. I guess that means I'm settling into my pain. I'm getting used to it and it's not so over-bearing, new, foreign. I know that pain is pain, sorrow is sorrow, grief is grief. The difference is how long you're expected to endure it.
March 21-22, 2014 FB Posts: Good Feeling Gone
March 21, 2014 FB Post: I love soccer...friends from high school know best. But today I love soccer because last night Olivia positioned two corner kicks perfectly for her teammates to score. Watching her excitement, looking over at Jeremy and Vi cheering from the warmth of the car, Izsak obnoxiously stuffing grass down a friend's shirt, and feeling Gracie coaching next to me on the sideline...I felt that moment of pure joy. Something so simple brought joy that has carried me today. I have felt a lightness and ability to acknowledge that other people have problems too (a reality I have not been willing to accept since April 4th). Regardless of the event, joy is joy, just like sorrow is sorrow, hurt is hurt. The only difference is how long you must endure it. I love soccer!
(I was starting to lose support on FB and knew the more positive I was, the more "likes" I would get. I needed support to continue and was so fearful is was fading....and it was.)
(I needed people to know that although I had good moments, I didn't want to give the impression that it was more frequently than it was because then I was "Fine" and they would continue to retreat)
(I was starting to lose support on FB and knew the more positive I was, the more "likes" I would get. I needed support to continue and was so fearful is was fading....and it was.)
March 22, 2014 FB Post: Dang it all, I was doing so well. I'm sure it doesn't help that Jeremy's out of town but it's almost midnight and I just can't sleep. In the words of Marlin the Clown Fish, "Good feeling gone."
frown emoticon I know someone might comment "just keep swimming"....I will unfriend you. I am down to my last 8 pictures of Gracie before the hospital, funeral, and then her grave with each changing season's decor. I'm reliving the last weeks of Gracie's life a year ago with only 8 pictures left. Yes, firsts have been hard but so will seconds and thirds because I won't have just last year to look back on; to have comfort knowing I kissed Gracie, held her, slept next to her in my bed this time last year. Having to say 2 years ago, 3 years ago, etc., terrifies me. Looking through my final pictures is overwhelming, knowing the outcome and there's nothing I can do to fix it or make it better. It's such a helpless feeling. It's like a really bad movie...you know, the kind with a not so happy ending. They aren't very common because they generally don't get good reviews. Missing my Gracie so badly tonight. (I needed people to know that although I had good moments, I didn't want to give the impression that it was more frequently than it was because then I was "Fine" and they would continue to retreat)
March 19, 2014 Almost a year--Night Sweats and Panic Attacks
I've been waking up with night sweats and panic attacks in the middle of the night. I wake fearing something will happen to Vi and feeling that I've done something wrong or I'm in trouble for something. Maybe it's that I've been less vocal so I'm internalizing it more. I don't know. Went for a walk last Sunday and seeing all the kids out playing caused anxiety and sadness. I talked with neighbors and conversation lead to what swing-set to get. I got uncomfortable and left. I can't even have normal conversation without it becoming awkward.
I had such pride in my parenting and now I have no credibility because I couldn't keep my child alive. It's the one thing I was good at. Now the most ill behaved child has the better parent by comparison.
I woke up this morning angry, thinking of yelling; berating anyone at work today. They make me perform and do all the stuff that caused them stress in their day yet they aren't dealing with the death of a child. I know it's been almost a year but that's the problem. The anniversary is coming .and each day I am living the last weeks of Gracie's life, knowing the end result yet she is not here. I have 8 pictures left on my phone until we are to the hospital, funeral, then nothing. Everyone seems to think they know the anniversary will be hard yet work isn't doing anything but assuming I'm going to do everything the rest of them are required to do and avoid or ignore me (thus treating me like I'm crazy) when I get upset. I don't like to not have control or have power over what I do or what effects me but that doesn't seem to matter. I just want to teach. I don't want to deal with my student's other classes, other teachers because I don't have control of that. I actually don't have control of their behavior at all outside my room. This is causing me stress and anxiety.
I had such pride in my parenting and now I have no credibility because I couldn't keep my child alive. It's the one thing I was good at. Now the most ill behaved child has the better parent by comparison.
I woke up this morning angry, thinking of yelling; berating anyone at work today. They make me perform and do all the stuff that caused them stress in their day yet they aren't dealing with the death of a child. I know it's been almost a year but that's the problem. The anniversary is coming .and each day I am living the last weeks of Gracie's life, knowing the end result yet she is not here. I have 8 pictures left on my phone until we are to the hospital, funeral, then nothing. Everyone seems to think they know the anniversary will be hard yet work isn't doing anything but assuming I'm going to do everything the rest of them are required to do and avoid or ignore me (thus treating me like I'm crazy) when I get upset. I don't like to not have control or have power over what I do or what effects me but that doesn't seem to matter. I just want to teach. I don't want to deal with my student's other classes, other teachers because I don't have control of that. I actually don't have control of their behavior at all outside my room. This is causing me stress and anxiety.
March 13, 2014 Dear Gracie, I want to take you to Pre-School
Right after my last entry I left with Vi to get my car fixed. I was learning the subdivision after just texting Nathalie, "It's been a fabulous day." I passed a car that I thought was Ryan's from Appleseed. I looked at the clock...12:28pm. I would be taking Gracie to pre-school. I don't know why but I turned around to drive by the preschool. I guess I just want to see how strong I really am. Maybe I want to torture myself. Maybe I'll feel closer to Gracie. For whatever reason, I did it. Turns out, it wsn't Ryan's mom. It was some woman I've never seen. She was dropping off a little girl with brown hair in a stripe dress and bacpack. She was so happy to be at pre-school. It was the little girl who filled one of the vacant sports, Gracie's spot. I won't let this defeat me. This is my trial. I want Gracie to be proud of me but I miss her so much. Just when I'm feeling strong the wind seems to be taken from my sails. I will not let it stop me. I went to Gracie's grave and cried. Then went to Big O and cried but I did not stop. I had to take Vi to the doctor...fever for 4 days. It's not an ear infection or strp so they had to cath her and test for bladder infection. It was hard and the longer we were there the more anxious I felt. Medical stuff, packages, changing, tubes, taking fluids. It was starting to be upsetting. No bladder infection so It's just a virus but I feel I'm right on the edge and I need to call it a day.
To Gracie,
I want to take you to pre-school but more than anything I want to pick you up. I can see you running to me yelling, "Mommy" with your backpack swinging on your back and the straps falling off your shoulders. We are nearing the end of our pictures. I am so sad, devastated, there is not a strong enough word.
To Gracie,
I want to take you to pre-school but more than anything I want to pick you up. I can see you running to me yelling, "Mommy" with your backpack swinging on your back and the straps falling off your shoulders. We are nearing the end of our pictures. I am so sad, devastated, there is not a strong enough word.
March 13, 2014 Journal Entry: I hope I don't mess things up.
I've had clarity. I understand and know I needed this trial to better and strengthen my testimony. I know that Christ had to suffer to understand and have the absolute empathy to take on all our suffering. If you don't know what others suffer you won't be willing to serve them as fully let alone die for them. He loves me so much and wants to do anything to ensure I will return to full glory. Gracie leaving this Earth was part of her plan. My trial or the trial of my faith is how I choose to live my life without her. I feel moments when I'm strong and know those moments will be more frequent. I just hope I don't mess things up too much while I feel so broken. I just don't have the strength some days but I know I'm getting stronger with time and strategies...and distractions.
March 17, 2014 FB Stupid Green Shirt
It's a stupid green shirt that caused my tears today. I couldn't find anything green for Gracie to wear last year to preschool and finally settled on this salmon colored shirt with green on the bows. "Good enough! I'll do better next year." But next to all the other kids she looks like the one whose mom forgot to send their child in green. I DIDN'T!! Gracie knew she had green on, that's all that matters right? I've been telling myself that for days. That's the problem...I can't ask her, which doesn't seem like a big deal unless your child is no longer here and "mom guilt" surfaces. It becomes the biggest deal!! I can't ask her to see if it mattered, I can't hug her to be sure, I didn't get "next year". I can only look at pictures...which bring about more "mom guilt" over a stupid green shirt!
I don't know what I expected people to comment or do to make me feel better but I just wanted affirmation that I was a good mom. I was horrified that one person's comment consisted of belittling others in the picture. She stated that one little girl was wearing a red shirt...she wasn't. She was holding her birthday bag in front of her. I don't know why people just can't listen and say they are sorry. I don't care about what other mom's did that day. They still have their children. It doesn't matter if they were wearing green or not. Their children are still alive to do it right the next time if they messed up. I don't get a next time and it was just starting to set in.
March 9, 2014 Vi's First Birthday Journal Entry
Yesterday we had a birthday party for Izsak. I can't believe how difficult it is to do things that just never phased me before. I was totally unfocused and just couldn't get remotely excited about it. My friend Nathalie helped me with it. In fact, she did the whole thing except the food. It helped me and I was grateful yet felt guilt all at the same time. I should do these things and quit using grief as an excuse. It was good though. Tami also came up and I was so happy to have the help with Vi. Jeremy ended up having to work so I was so grateful for her. It was a success and I did ok but I'm starting to become that uptight, mean mom again. Mostly because anxiety is getting the best of me. I didn't want the party goers breaking anything of Gracie's, I didn't want them out back because of the swing. But it's over and I started thinking of Vi's birthday. One thing at a time! I went and got a cake and Ice-cream last night to have Jeremy's family over tonight. I felt good for the most part and then I turned the computer on. Big advertisement on the district home page for Kindergarten registration. I'm trying to just get through the day and the next day. Kindergarten isn't supposed to be a concern yet. I still have Jeremy's birthday, pre-school Graduation, the angel anniversary, Gracie's birthday, Mother's day, Father's day....Kindergarten isn't on my emotional "to-do" list. But now it is!! I don't think it would hurt this bad. It's not like pre-school where we had the memories, we were registered for next year, we knew all the friends. It wasn't supposed to be as hard. I was SOOOOO wrong. The kick in the gut felt the same. The lump in the throat came the same. The tears fell the same. I'm devastated. So rather than be able to be happy Vi is 1 today, I'm sad that Gracie won't be at Kindergarten registration on April 9th at 3:00. Rather than be able to enjoy my baby's birthday I keep thinking this marks the final 4 weeks of Gracie's life and the only 4 weeks our family was complete and together on Earth. This marks 4 weeks until Kindergarten Registration.
Vi's First Birthday March 9, 2014 FB Post
March 9, 2014 FB Post: A year ago today our family was complete. Happy birthday to my Vi Vi!
March 6, 2014 My "New Normal"
March 6, 2014 FB Post: 11 months today. What would I tell a grieving mom anticipating the 11th month? I still cry daily, It's not getting easier I just know I will get through it. I still remind myself..brace myself...Gracie won't be in my bed when I roll over or when I walk through the door. I've accepted that my normal has changed. I know I need to accept my "new normal" but I'm not there yet. I know there are administering angels around all of us, orchestrating every event in our lives according to God's plan. I know that without absolute faith in God's plan and in the atonement of my Savior I would not have made it 11 months.
March 2-3, 2014 My Trial is to Live
March 2, 2014 FB Post: In talking with a friend we agreed the adversary is working double time on me lately and particularly Sundays. But this morning as I forced myself out of bed and my feet hit the floor I'm fairly certain his response was, "Damn, she's up." It's getting exhausting day after day but I pretty much kicked Satan's ass today and I plan to do it again tomorrow....sorry for the irreverence. Just not sure how else to put that.
March 3, 2014 Journal Entry: I had a clarity of thought and I hope I can express it. I've been frustrated and absolutely discouraged with the notion that this is supposed to make me appreciate life more or make me stronger or make me a better person. Those are unattainable goals because it will never happen. You lose your job, it makes you appreciate when you find employment again. You lose your house, it makes you appreciate when you are able to be home owners again. If you have a health issue, you get better and appreciate when you are well. When you lose a child it doesn't make you appreciate your children more. That appreciation was already at it's peak the moment I held each of them in my arms. Gracie's death caused hurt and regret and I will never achieve that same level of happiness I had before until I hold her again. Finding that level of happiness is an unattainable goal in this life and therefore causes discouragement, depression, and anxiety because it's not the goal of this trial. Losing Gracie wasn't my trial. My trial is being able to live the rest of my life without her. Not to be happy necessarily, but to just live. That's the goal. To live each day (be tortured each day) knowing what true happiness was, feeling that, knowing that, and now living each day without it; learning to be "ok" without it--That is my trial and it's what I will strive to achieve....simply living. This probably makes no sense but for whatever reason it brought me comfort tonight. I know this is what I needed to refine my spirit. Only a trial of this magnitude would refine a spirit so hardened. Gracie has changed me from her birth to her death and beyond the veil. She is helping me become the person my Heavenly Father sees. The person my spirit is wanting me to be.
March 3, 2014 Journal Entry: I had a clarity of thought and I hope I can express it. I've been frustrated and absolutely discouraged with the notion that this is supposed to make me appreciate life more or make me stronger or make me a better person. Those are unattainable goals because it will never happen. You lose your job, it makes you appreciate when you find employment again. You lose your house, it makes you appreciate when you are able to be home owners again. If you have a health issue, you get better and appreciate when you are well. When you lose a child it doesn't make you appreciate your children more. That appreciation was already at it's peak the moment I held each of them in my arms. Gracie's death caused hurt and regret and I will never achieve that same level of happiness I had before until I hold her again. Finding that level of happiness is an unattainable goal in this life and therefore causes discouragement, depression, and anxiety because it's not the goal of this trial. Losing Gracie wasn't my trial. My trial is being able to live the rest of my life without her. Not to be happy necessarily, but to just live. That's the goal. To live each day (be tortured each day) knowing what true happiness was, feeling that, knowing that, and now living each day without it; learning to be "ok" without it--That is my trial and it's what I will strive to achieve....simply living. This probably makes no sense but for whatever reason it brought me comfort tonight. I know this is what I needed to refine my spirit. Only a trial of this magnitude would refine a spirit so hardened. Gracie has changed me from her birth to her death and beyond the veil. She is helping me become the person my Heavenly Father sees. The person my spirit is wanting me to be.
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