Right after my last entry I left with Vi to get my car fixed. I was learning the subdivision after just texting Nathalie, "It's been a fabulous day." I passed a car that I thought was Ryan's from Appleseed. I looked at the clock...12:28pm. I would be taking Gracie to pre-school. I don't know why but I turned around to drive by the preschool. I guess I just want to see how strong I really am. Maybe I want to torture myself. Maybe I'll feel closer to Gracie. For whatever reason, I did it. Turns out, it wsn't Ryan's mom. It was some woman I've never seen. She was dropping off a little girl with brown hair in a stripe dress and bacpack. She was so happy to be at pre-school. It was the little girl who filled one of the vacant sports, Gracie's spot. I won't let this defeat me. This is my trial. I want Gracie to be proud of me but I miss her so much. Just when I'm feeling strong the wind seems to be taken from my sails. I will not let it stop me. I went to Gracie's grave and cried. Then went to Big O and cried but I did not stop. I had to take Vi to the doctor...fever for 4 days. It's not an ear infection or strp so they had to cath her and test for bladder infection. It was hard and the longer we were there the more anxious I felt. Medical stuff, packages, changing, tubes, taking fluids. It was starting to be upsetting. No bladder infection so It's just a virus but I feel I'm right on the edge and I need to call it a day.
To Gracie,
I want to take you to pre-school but more than anything I want to pick you up. I can see you running to me yelling, "Mommy" with your backpack swinging on your back and the straps falling off your shoulders. We are nearing the end of our pictures. I am so sad, devastated, there is not a strong enough word.
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