March 21-22, 2014 FB Posts: Good Feeling Gone

March 21, 2014 FB Post:  I love soccer...friends from high school know best. But today I love soccer because last night Olivia positioned two corner kicks perfectly for her teammates to score. Watching her excitement, looking over at Jeremy and Vi cheering from the warmth of the car, Izsak obnoxiously stuffing grass down a friend's shirt, and feeling Gracie coaching next to me on the sideline...I felt that moment of pure joy. Something so simple brought joy that has carried me today. I have felt a lightness and ability to acknowledge that other people have problems too (a reality I have not been willing to accept since April 4th). Regardless of the event, joy is joy, just like sorrow is sorrow, hurt is hurt. The only difference is how long you must endure it. I love soccer!

(I was starting to lose support on FB and knew the more positive I was, the more "likes" I would get.  I needed support to continue and was so fearful is was fading....and it was.) 

March 22, 2014 FB Post:  Dang it all, I was doing so well. I'm sure it doesn't help that Jeremy's out of town but it's almost midnight and I just can't sleep. In the words of Marlin the Clown Fish, "Good feeling gone." 

frown emoticon I know someone might comment "just keep swimming"....I will unfriend you. I am down to my last 8 pictures of Gracie before the hospital, funeral, and then her grave with each changing season's decor. I'm reliving the last weeks of Gracie's life a year ago with only 8 pictures left. Yes, firsts have been hard but so will seconds and thirds because I won't have just last year to look back on; to have comfort knowing I kissed Gracie, held her, slept next to her in my bed this time last year. Having to say 2 years ago, 3 years ago, etc., terrifies me. Looking through my final pictures is overwhelming, knowing the outcome and there's nothing I can do to fix it or make it better. It's such a helpless feeling. It's like a really bad movie...you know, the kind with a not so happy ending. They aren't very common because they generally don't get good reviews. Missing my Gracie so badly tonight.  

(I needed people to know that although I had good moments, I didn't want to give the impression that it was more frequently than it was because then I was "Fine" and they would continue to retreat)