Nov. 26, 2014 Silver Lining...My Ass.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I hate that because I no longer have Gracie it seems I'm not grateful for anything else. It's hard that nothing will ever be as good, as wonderful, as fun, as complete because she is not here.  I know what it's like to feel that "life is good" feeling and I will never have that again.

George and Mary flew to Tennessee to be with Jeremy’s sister for Thanksgiving.  It bothered me.  They can quench their longing for their daughter by hopping a plane while I'm left here to be tortured by longing for mine.  I need to not allow myself to feel this is any reflection on me but when someone leaves my misery to pursue their happiness and comfort, I'm angry, hurt...not really sure.  It's not like they are any source of comfort but I feel like telling George all the wonderful things he has said to us as well as others regarding our grief, "get over it, she's gone. You just need to move on. Get used to your new normal."  BIG difference, his daughter lives in another State, is a grown-ass adult, can Skype, write, call, etc.  He's such an insensitive prick.

I haven't had any communication with Tiffany in a year.  I don't know if it had to do with George and Mary being there or what but she sent the following quote to Jeremy and myself on Thanksgiving, "Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek."

 First of all, she hadn't spoken to me in a year.  Prior to that, made excuses that the reason she hadn't EVER called or tried to help (Remember...my daughter died, I had a 4 week old, and she lived closer than any other family member and didn't call or come over once) was because her back hurt.  SILVER LINING??? What the hell?  After trying to convince myself it was coming from a good place, I gave up and wanted to protect myself from receiving anything like this again from her so I responded, "I've been thinking about the quote you sent me.  Although I understand your intentions, there is no silver lining to a parent losing their child decades too soon.  Nothing good has or will come from Gracie's death.  Maybe the silver lining is that I will be able to be with Gracie again but so will every parent who is able (like you) to spend their lives on Earth with their children.  I do however appreciate knowing you think of us and hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving."

I wanted to say, "F-you" and probably just should have because my reply has made the Becker Family claim I was so easily offended that they just couldn't say anything without me getting upset so communication once a year went to never communicating again for the next 3 years. They will never understand that my hurt first started with their judgement and continued with their distance.  At that point, it didn't matter what they said.  I don't have the emotional energy to make it better for them because my life has fallen apart.  There is no way of making this better.  Acknowledge this sucks, we don't deserve this, we can be sad, angry, mad, frustrated, whatever we need for as long as we need to.  You won't judge, place bets or have conversations amongst yourselves on what effect you think this will have on our marriage.  You won't criticize and, Heaven forbid, you will still love us when we NEVER return to normal.

Nov. 9, 2014 Pink Ribbons Don't Play a big Enough Part

Sunday I was bothered hearing the Primary kids practicing for the program.  Once again, an opportunity for parents to parade their children and painful reminders for me.  Not a single remembrance of Gracie.  Last year she had her part that I read, the picture of her with Jesus, everyone wore ribbons.  This year, nothing.  We had discussed having just her class wear ribbons but nothing has been said since.  I have countless cards from people given to us after Gracie died saying, "We will never forget her."  Apparently "NEVER" doesn't mean what I thought it meant because she feels pretty forgotten.  Either that or they are all a bunch of damn liars.  Either way, it's so hurtful.  I posted about this as well as seeing girls in white baptism dresses when mine is buried in one.  Following my post the Primary President came to my door with Peanut Butter bars made by the first counselor (why she didn't come I can only speculate) but she wanted to address what I posted.  She said, "Well we asked if you wanted us to do something for Gracie's birthday (May) as if trying to make it seem as if I've brought this void upon myself.  Recognizing a child for their birthday in primary is a hell of a lot different than participating in the primary program.  I could tell she was uncomfortable, awkward and guarded talking with me.  This made me feel bad and like I needed to help her feel better regarding the death of my daughter.  This seemed to be the constant trend of anyone coming to my house to offer "support". I hate that people are so uncomfortable and I feel bad but my hell, you know what I hate worse?  That my daughter died and that my daughter dying makes them so uncomfortable that I'm treated as though I did something wrong. 

It was decided just her class would wear pink ribbons to honor her during the program.  I felt satisfied and comfortable until today.  Sitting through the program was harder than I thought it would be.  I loved seeing the bishop with a pink ribbon and a small part of me still thought, "Maybe he could fix this or convince God to change this."  Then I realized, that's why I need people to not forget she is part of our family.  They all need to advocate or vouch for me.  If I'm the only one remembering or caring that she's part of my family, it might not be enough to persuade or convince the powers that be on the other side.  It's hard to explain but boils down to not enough time together on Earth will result with Gracie forgetting me in Heaven.  The less I'm with my mom the less I feel I need her or want to be with her.  My mo and I have grown apart.  I'm so afraid this will happen with me and Gracie. 

Nov. 19, 2014 What Would Gracie Have Been?

I had been doing ok leading up to Halloween.  I started thinking the fog was lifting but remained cautious of changing or shifting winds.  Sure enough, the Wednesday before Halloween it hit me at the Ward Trunk-Or-Treat.  We dressed in Alice in Wonderland as a family theme.  I was the Cheshire Cat, Olivia was Queen of Hearts, Izsak was Mad Hatter, Vi was Mr. Rabbit, and Jeremy was Alice...What would Gracie have been? 

I watched all the people with their kids and was increasingly bothered that I just have to accept that not all my family is there or ever will be.  Our family was a theme but not really.  By the time we got home I was drained and this continued to Halloween. 

On Halloween I was pretty numb until Wee Weber pre-school came trick-or-treating around the school and down the hall where my classroom was.  I jumped up to get them candy because that is my first instinct and then I felt the blood drain from my head and down my legs as the sea of Elsa's and Ana's congregated outside my classroom. What would Gracie have been?  Would she have been caught up in the Frozen craze?  Would that have influenced our family theme?  Would that have split the theme?  I felt the tears and walked back to my desk.  Usually the presence of my students halts emotional displays from me but not this time.  They could not only see but heard my cries as I was captive in the corner of my room watching the little people sing their Halloween Songs outside my door.  There was silence in my room other than my sniffles as they sang in the hall.  One of my students put her hand on my shoulder and patted me gently.  The kids left, I dried myself and class resumed.  What else could we do?  Could I do?  I never felt I had a choice. 

The Donor Oct. 22, 2014

I have't had as much anxiety as I've had just sadness the past week.  "I"ve been so sad since last Thursday.  I don't know if it's Fall Break without Gracie or just hitting a lull.  I never know or can anticipate the triggers.  It could also be I heard from the Donor Services and found out information about Gracie's recipients.  I wasn't sure I wanted to contact or know who has Gracie's kidneys.  I was hoping and just allowing myself to believe it was a deserving mother.  I knew they were combined and given to an adult rather than two other small children.  This shouldn't bother me but it does.  Anyway,we receive letters from the Donor Services about every 6 months with information regarding grief and their sorrow.  Our 18 month letters got mixed up in the mail and I received the letter for the parents of Lucas and they called the donor office after receiving mine.  The offices called me and after chatting with the director I found out Gracie's kidneys went to a man in California who is married with 3 adult children.  He is a maintenance worker and cook and spends free time in the yard and at the local Buddhist Temple.  I don't know that I would want to meet him but I feel there is a reason I came across the information this way.  I also found out Gracie's Heart Valves were requested by two separate surgeons in Arizona. Because Heart Valves are considered tissue, they have to contact me because that's the way tissue donation works.  Anyway, I'm sure this has added to my grief.  I also traded in my car and knowing that was a part of Gracie I was letting go of was also hard.  It's a car but it's also memories.  Out trip to California, camping in Bear Lake, Summers at Cherry Hill, etc. It was time but it makes me sad.

I'm getting used to the sad and pain but it wears me down and makes me not want to be around people.  I can tell I'm fighting depression because my energy and apathy towards just about everything.  I'm still functioning but I feel like it's a chore and I'm barely functioning and ready to snap at any moment.  I almost lost it today during class but I didn't.  By losing it I mean yelling at them for no reason or wanting to swear and cry and leave the room...but I don't.  I want to...but I don't.  I come home with nothing left to give and it starts over in the morning.  This morning I was sad but couldn't be because I had students in my room first thing.  So I became angry instead and that's how I was all day.  I don't want to go to bed because I'm afraid I will lay down and it will all hit...the emotion I've been forced to bottle all day and it will feel horrible and lonely laying in bed.  Jeremy is always so good to hold me and hold my hand until we fall asleep.  I love him so much.  At some point I need to find a way to feel better....be more me but how is that ever going to be possible when part of me is gone and never coming back?