Nov. 19, 2014 What Would Gracie Have Been?

I had been doing ok leading up to Halloween.  I started thinking the fog was lifting but remained cautious of changing or shifting winds.  Sure enough, the Wednesday before Halloween it hit me at the Ward Trunk-Or-Treat.  We dressed in Alice in Wonderland as a family theme.  I was the Cheshire Cat, Olivia was Queen of Hearts, Izsak was Mad Hatter, Vi was Mr. Rabbit, and Jeremy was Alice...What would Gracie have been? 

I watched all the people with their kids and was increasingly bothered that I just have to accept that not all my family is there or ever will be.  Our family was a theme but not really.  By the time we got home I was drained and this continued to Halloween. 

On Halloween I was pretty numb until Wee Weber pre-school came trick-or-treating around the school and down the hall where my classroom was.  I jumped up to get them candy because that is my first instinct and then I felt the blood drain from my head and down my legs as the sea of Elsa's and Ana's congregated outside my classroom. What would Gracie have been?  Would she have been caught up in the Frozen craze?  Would that have influenced our family theme?  Would that have split the theme?  I felt the tears and walked back to my desk.  Usually the presence of my students halts emotional displays from me but not this time.  They could not only see but heard my cries as I was captive in the corner of my room watching the little people sing their Halloween Songs outside my door.  There was silence in my room other than my sniffles as they sang in the hall.  One of my students put her hand on my shoulder and patted me gently.  The kids left, I dried myself and class resumed.  What else could we do?  Could I do?  I never felt I had a choice.