Sunday I was bothered hearing the Primary kids practicing for the program. Once again, an opportunity for parents to parade their children and painful reminders for me. Not a single remembrance of Gracie. Last year she had her part that I read, the picture of her with Jesus, everyone wore ribbons. This year, nothing. We had discussed having just her class wear ribbons but nothing has been said since. I have countless cards from people given to us after Gracie died saying, "We will never forget her." Apparently "NEVER" doesn't mean what I thought it meant because she feels pretty forgotten. Either that or they are all a bunch of damn liars. Either way, it's so hurtful. I posted about this as well as seeing girls in white baptism dresses when mine is buried in one. Following my post the Primary President came to my door with Peanut Butter bars made by the first counselor (why she didn't come I can only speculate) but she wanted to address what I posted. She said, "Well we asked if you wanted us to do something for Gracie's birthday (May) as if trying to make it seem as if I've brought this void upon myself. Recognizing a child for their birthday in primary is a hell of a lot different than participating in the primary program. I could tell she was uncomfortable, awkward and guarded talking with me. This made me feel bad and like I needed to help her feel better regarding the death of my daughter. This seemed to be the constant trend of anyone coming to my house to offer "support". I hate that people are so uncomfortable and I feel bad but my hell, you know what I hate worse? That my daughter died and that my daughter dying makes them so uncomfortable that I'm treated as though I did something wrong.
It was decided just her class would wear pink ribbons to honor her during the program. I felt satisfied and comfortable until today. Sitting through the program was harder than I thought it would be. I loved seeing the bishop with a pink ribbon and a small part of me still thought, "Maybe he could fix this or convince God to change this." Then I realized, that's why I need people to not forget she is part of our family. They all need to advocate or vouch for me. If I'm the only one remembering or caring that she's part of my family, it might not be enough to persuade or convince the powers that be on the other side. It's hard to explain but boils down to not enough time together on Earth will result with Gracie forgetting me in Heaven. The less I'm with my mom the less I feel I need her or want to be with her. My mo and I have grown apart. I'm so afraid this will happen with me and Gracie.
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