Facebook Post: Everyone who has lost someone close to them told me 6 months was hard. But everyday has been hard and it feels like it gets harder. This week is the 6 month mark and as the months move along I feel so alone. I don't think it would matter even if I were surrounded by huge amounts of family and friends every second. Nothing will ever fill the void, the ache, the longing for Gracie that increases each day. But then I think of the flowers sent anonymously Monday, the fixings for my dirty diet Coke given to me last week, the kind text from Gracie's preschool teacher sent to me at just the right moment, and people just letting me know they still think and pray for our family. Life is so busy but I know it's the continued thoughts and prayers that carry my feet out of bed in the morning and help me through my day.
It was so hard for me to have people doing little things for me here and there and yet the pain continued. I felt ungrateful and frustrated that all these nice things weren't making me feel better but I was more concerned that those showing support would eventually become frustrated and irritated at my lack of progress through the grieving process and withdraw support....or just simply move on before I was ready for them to. This was a natural process and I started recognizing that although I felt no better at 6 months, others had naturally moved on from their grief and I was feeling more alone and comfort was fading.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Sept. 22, 2013 Liv's Birthday
Facebook Post:
I wasn't prepared for how hard the other kids' birthdays would be. Thinking all day how just last year the kids were all building bears for Liv's birthday. It was so hard to take pictures of Liv blowing out her candles today without Gracie. Such a harsh reality as my Timeline of Gracie pictures creeps closer to an end.
I wasn't prepared for how hard the other kids' birthdays would be. Thinking all day how just last year the kids were all building bears for Liv's birthday. It was so hard to take pictures of Liv blowing out her candles today without Gracie. Such a harsh reality as my Timeline of Gracie pictures creeps closer to an end.
Sept. 19, 2013 HATE (5 months)
Facebook Post:
I would correct my kids if they ever said "hate". "You may not like it but you don't hate it." Tonight I sat at Gracie's grave and told her only some of what I hate. I hate that she died. I hate that I have to live the rest of my life without her. I HATE the way she died. I hate that she didn't get to go to preschool today. I hate that no matter how hard Jeremy and I worked to create a stable, predictable environment for our family it's shot to hell. I used to think hate was such a strong emotion and yet tonight it doesn't seem nearly strong enough.
I would correct my kids if they ever said "hate". "You may not like it but you don't hate it." Tonight I sat at Gracie's grave and told her only some of what I hate. I hate that she died. I hate that I have to live the rest of my life without her. I HATE the way she died. I hate that she didn't get to go to preschool today. I hate that no matter how hard Jeremy and I worked to create a stable, predictable environment for our family it's shot to hell. I used to think hate was such a strong emotion and yet tonight it doesn't seem nearly strong enough.
Sept. 15, 2013 FB Missing A Limb
Facebook Post:
My friend Karen posted a comment a while back using the metaphor that losing a child was like losing your leg. The presence of your other limbs make it possible to carry on but it's just not the same and they most certainly do not fill the void. The void was so intense last night and it's even worse waking up this morning. I just want to be able to hold and kiss my Gracie. I want to be whole again.
I felt as though people were looking at me differently now. My identity had changed and I didn't like it. Sure I have my other limbs but does that mean I'm not allowed to miss the one I've lost? I wondered if this is how amputee's feel? People see it but don't address it or talk about it because they are "afraid of making you uncomfortable" when actually, they are the ones uncomfortable. Kind of sick that the person who is suffering is made to suffer more by the awkward discomfort of others.
My friend Karen posted a comment a while back using the metaphor that losing a child was like losing your leg. The presence of your other limbs make it possible to carry on but it's just not the same and they most certainly do not fill the void. The void was so intense last night and it's even worse waking up this morning. I just want to be able to hold and kiss my Gracie. I want to be whole again.
I felt as though people were looking at me differently now. My identity had changed and I didn't like it. Sure I have my other limbs but does that mean I'm not allowed to miss the one I've lost? I wondered if this is how amputee's feel? People see it but don't address it or talk about it because they are "afraid of making you uncomfortable" when actually, they are the ones uncomfortable. Kind of sick that the person who is suffering is made to suffer more by the awkward discomfort of others.
Sept. 12, 2013 This Sucks...and it's ok to say that.
Facebook Post: What is the point to all this? Challenges are meant to help us grow and become stronger. Like a runner running marathons or competing in the Ironman. Will we really look back in the next life and regret the challenges we never overcame or the challenges we were never given? I'm almost certain I'll look back at this and think it pretty much just sucked.
Comment from "friend" that was not at all helpful and really pissed me off: My little brain is not capable of understanding why, but I trust God enough to know "the why" will be explained and all the suffering will turn to joy ten fold! Can't come soon enough that's for sure!
Comment from friend that was appropriate and supportive: It is the suckiest of suck...xoxoxox
It is just not helpful for people to try to explain some type of silver-lining in this. Newsflash....THERE ISN'T ONE!!!! It's ok and completely appropriate and supportive to just let me feel how I need to feel and validate how I'm feeling....even if you don't agree. Until you lose a child, you just will never understand so don't pretend you do.
Comment from "friend" that was not at all helpful and really pissed me off: My little brain is not capable of understanding why, but I trust God enough to know "the why" will be explained and all the suffering will turn to joy ten fold! Can't come soon enough that's for sure!
Comment from friend that was appropriate and supportive: It is the suckiest of suck...xoxoxox
It is just not helpful for people to try to explain some type of silver-lining in this. Newsflash....THERE ISN'T ONE!!!! It's ok and completely appropriate and supportive to just let me feel how I need to feel and validate how I'm feeling....even if you don't agree. Until you lose a child, you just will never understand so don't pretend you do.
Sept. 5, 2013 No Longer Normal
Facebook Post: Izsak and Jeremy passed an accident tonight where a person was hit by a car. There were all the first responders including Life Flight. Izsak just cried and was so upset as he recalled the similarities with Gracie's accident and things we were unaware he witnessed. This makes me angry. It's hard enough to have lost a child but not being able to protect him or rid his mind of the events from that day just adds to my hell.
What I was trying to express was how fearful I was for how enduring such a traumatic event was going to effect my other kids now as well as in their futures. Jeremy and I have worked so hard to create a safe, secure, predictable environment for them all their lives and then something like this happens and I feel it's all just shot to hell. Things that were so normal for us before and we could handle with no problem are no longer normal and we can no longer handle them.
What I was trying to express was how fearful I was for how enduring such a traumatic event was going to effect my other kids now as well as in their futures. Jeremy and I have worked so hard to create a safe, secure, predictable environment for them all their lives and then something like this happens and I feel it's all just shot to hell. Things that were so normal for us before and we could handle with no problem are no longer normal and we can no longer handle them.
September 2, 2013 Tomorrow should be Pre-School
Facebook Post:
At the hospital they show you the chart of faces and tell you to rate your pain 1-10. For the past few nights my emotional pain has been holding tolerably between 5-7. Tonight, it's a 10. Tomorrow will be the first day of preschool. Last year Gracie was the first there so I could hurry back up to school. Then I was able to leave at lunch to pick her up. I loved how her backpack would swing side-to-side (nearly knocking her down) as she would run to greet me. It wasn't often I could take her or pick up but I cherished the times I could...especially her last 4 weeks while I was on maternity leave. I have no words to express how sad I am tonight. How I wish I could post updated pictures tomorrow of her first day of preschool. Her hair a little longer, me a little heavier, the kids (including Vi) a little older. My pain is a 10.
At the hospital they show you the chart of faces and tell you to rate your pain 1-10. For the past few nights my emotional pain has been holding tolerably between 5-7. Tonight, it's a 10. Tomorrow will be the first day of preschool. Last year Gracie was the first there so I could hurry back up to school. Then I was able to leave at lunch to pick her up. I loved how her backpack would swing side-to-side (nearly knocking her down) as she would run to greet me. It wasn't often I could take her or pick up but I cherished the times I could...especially her last 4 weeks while I was on maternity leave. I have no words to express how sad I am tonight. How I wish I could post updated pictures tomorrow of her first day of preschool. Her hair a little longer, me a little heavier, the kids (including Vi) a little older. My pain is a 10.
Sept. 1, 2013 Donor Memorial Services
Facebook Post: When I'm overwhelmed with emotions I fixate on it until I can identify it, process it, express it and then move past it. I could not identify how I felt in anticipation for the Donor Celebration Saturday until Jeremy said, "I'm proud." He's right, I should feel nothing but proud and I hope recipients feel nothing but grateful. I'm missing Gracie so much but I know she's happy we made the decision as her life was ending that two others would continue.
What I didn't post on Facebook was the struggle I was having with donating Gracie's organs. The idea that others have a connection with her that I don't have was hard. Knowing that we only had 90 seconds after her heart stopped to say good-bye and walk her to the Operating Room. If I had had more time to say good-bye, would that have helped me now? I know it wouldn't but still question...would we have waited longer to withdraw life support if the transplant team hadn't been assembled....if organ donation wasn't a factor? Even two years later, my mind knows the answer but my heart continues to question.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Aug. 24, 2013 Journal Entry First Day of School
The first day of school (last Tuesday for the kids) was rough. It was a 10 on the scale of pain for me. I got up and got the kids up. We were all getting ready together for school for the first time this school year and without Gracie. We took the traditional 1st Day of school photo and held Gracie's picture. It was cute but felt so wrong.
As I drove to school there were just a few raindrops that fell on the windshield. I would've thought they were from sprinklers had there been any on. I thought maybe Gracie was crying and sad she doesn't get to be here....kind of silly since I really don't believe she controls the rain or that raindrops are angel tears.
As I walked through the halls I was overcome with an emotion I can't explain. I felt I was suffocating...maybe it was a panic attack...but I cried in the corner of the copy room for what I call my "melt-down minute." I then started down the hall again. I couldn't breath and felt I would begin crying that uncontrollable sob in front of all these self absorbed adolescence. I willed myself to delay the tears until I got to Holly's classroom. Holly had written me a kind note last year. I didn't know Holly (other than who she was) but she stated in the card that she really wanted to be my friend and support. I thought about this when I went into her room and broke down. Her reaction was not what I needed nor expected. She stared at me in disbelief and shock. She was so uncomfortable and then I felt like I had done something wrong. I left her room...more upset but resisting another embarrassing break down and hurried to my classroom. Just as I was walking through senior hall toward the Resource Hall, I looked up at a girl's locker a second before it closed. She had one picture hanging in it. It was a little wallet sized picture of Christ with a little girl on his lap. It took a minute to register in my mind and as I headed back toward the locker she was gone. I haven't been able to find it since. What a tender mercy. Sometimes I find myself doubting the "signs" or tender mercies because I debate coincidence. Never has my faith needed to be stronger but I find myself questioning because the stakes are so high for me. I NEED it all to be true.
So it boils down to this; people can't support, they say they want to but they can't so I just need to suck it up...at least in public. So for the rest of the week, I did. I remained pretty emotionless and it went just fine. People don't need to see me pathetic and weak. I actually feel worse when they do. I miss my Gracie but displaying it doesn't make me feel any better so hiding it at least prevents that uncomfortable situation with others. I hate that this is my trial. I hate that I am "that girl". I hate that my identity has changed but more than anything I hate not having Gracie on this Earth with me. I'm feeling more sad today than I have all week but the level 10 pain is less often and I am grateful.
Aug. 24, 2013 Journal Entry-Broken Leg
Jeremy's FB Post: It's finally here! I'm so excited! #99 Izsak "The Animal" Becker recorded 1 tackle, 2 assisted tackles, 1 sack and forced fumble and a kick off return for 5 yrds. Oh... And 2 false start penalties ( my little eager beaver)
Yesterday, Izsak broke his leg. It was the first quarter and after the play someone rolled onto his leg. I was on my way to soccer with Liv. He was in so much pain. Jeremy said it was so hard to watch. It's a spiral fracture of the Tibia. He'll get a hard cast tomorrow or Tuesday. I was so angry after the initial concern. Why take this from him? Why take this from Jeremy? They both had something fun and normal to do together and be happy.....FINALLY HAPPY. I know it's just football but it's so much more than that this year. After watching the last 24 hours I guess the silver lining is seeing Jeremy care for Izsak. Bath, bathroom, meds, etc. It's wonderful as well to see Liv too. She's been quite the attentive nurse.
Aug. 18, 2013 Journal Entry Back to Work
I started back to work last Thursday. I don't want to go back but I never do. This year it's just for different reasons.
Thursday was hard. It wasn't as hard to drop off Vi as it was to not be dropping off Gracie. I saw the newspaper in the driveway and was sad. Gracie would always bring in the paper for Camille. Vi makes me happy and is my comfort because I know she is my gift from Gracie and I'm sure she see's Gracie still. I'm not focused at work and I know people are awkward and uncomfortable around me, I can't blame them. I know they are afraid to say anything to "Open the wound" but they don't understand it isn't closed. Gracie is all I think about. They won't make me sad, I'm already sad. I appreciate when people validate how I feel rather than ignore or make me feel I should be feeling anything different. Grief is a confusing and uncontrollable ride.
Friday was a little better. I was more distracted trying to get more done. I had more meetings too so that helps. I actually felt more normal. Saturday was great because Izsak had football. It's fun to watch him and Jeremy is so happy watching Izsak's success. We were happy and enjoying it other than I had a horrible headache from running in the morning. I guess I pushed it too hard but I'm sick of being fat.
Today was ok at church. I only cried a little during the opening Hymn, "Lovely Deseret"...Hark, Hark, Hark, tis children's music, children's voices oh how sweet....Yeah, it was a killer. I did good the rest. I chatted with people and put on a happy fact but tonight....CRASH. I'm so sad. I just miss Gracie so much. I hate not having all my kids with me. We went to the cemetery. The Jorgensmire headstone had been moved and someone had been laid to rest long side the prior family member. Before, I would have thought, "How sad." Today, I thought, "Lucky" and I had such a feeling of happiness for them and their heavenly reunion. I can't wait until I get to "move in" with Gracie.
Thursday was hard. It wasn't as hard to drop off Vi as it was to not be dropping off Gracie. I saw the newspaper in the driveway and was sad. Gracie would always bring in the paper for Camille. Vi makes me happy and is my comfort because I know she is my gift from Gracie and I'm sure she see's Gracie still. I'm not focused at work and I know people are awkward and uncomfortable around me, I can't blame them. I know they are afraid to say anything to "Open the wound" but they don't understand it isn't closed. Gracie is all I think about. They won't make me sad, I'm already sad. I appreciate when people validate how I feel rather than ignore or make me feel I should be feeling anything different. Grief is a confusing and uncontrollable ride.
Friday was a little better. I was more distracted trying to get more done. I had more meetings too so that helps. I actually felt more normal. Saturday was great because Izsak had football. It's fun to watch him and Jeremy is so happy watching Izsak's success. We were happy and enjoying it other than I had a horrible headache from running in the morning. I guess I pushed it too hard but I'm sick of being fat.
Today was ok at church. I only cried a little during the opening Hymn, "Lovely Deseret"...Hark, Hark, Hark, tis children's music, children's voices oh how sweet....Yeah, it was a killer. I did good the rest. I chatted with people and put on a happy fact but tonight....CRASH. I'm so sad. I just miss Gracie so much. I hate not having all my kids with me. We went to the cemetery. The Jorgensmire headstone had been moved and someone had been laid to rest long side the prior family member. Before, I would have thought, "How sad." Today, I thought, "Lucky" and I had such a feeling of happiness for them and their heavenly reunion. I can't wait until I get to "move in" with Gracie.
Aug. 16, 2013 FB Post-Love me Regardless
Here's where I love FB. It doesn't need to be face to face, I feel love and support through comments and "likes". Thank you Aspen Henderson for therapy lunch and validating all the feelings I was choosing to feel:) Thank you to my FB therapy group:)
This was my way of saying....Please let me feel how I need to feel for as long as I need to feel it and love me anyway.
August 14, 2013 FB Post-Picnic with Gracie
Prior to Liv's soccer game she wanted to go to Wendy's. When I order at the drive-thru I still think to order for Gracie. I started to cry as I thought about her eating all her chicken nuggets, half her fries, and her frosty all over her face and shirt (since the shirt was always a convenient napkin). I wanted to look behind me in the car and see her smiling at me, singing to the radio and identifying every Taylor Swift song. A wave of sadness engulfed me. We decided to include Gracie in a picnic lunch. As crazy as some people may think it is, it really comforted me and I loved having one last summer picnic with my kids before starting back to work tomorrow.
August 5, 2013 Journal Entry 4 months
Exactly 4 months ago I was sitting in the hospital, unable to sleep, sure Gracie wouldn't make it but holding out for a miracle.
Karen posted to Facebook a metaphor she came up with about Gracie and my situation. She said losing Gracie was like losing a limb. You have your other limbs but it doesn't diminish the loss of one. Although you can complete tasks and activities, it's still not the same. You feel pain where the limb is no longer and have to learn to do things again...walk if it's a leg. She was spot on with this metaphor but I've started to think how socially and psychologically they are similar. Nobody wants to draw attention to it. They can't relate, they feel sorry for me but don't say so, afraid to do too much for me, not sure what to do. Then there's my state of mind. I don't want to live the rest of my life without a limb. Today I just wanted to stay in bed. I got up to go to Sacrament Meeting. I have to take the sacrament. I'm afraid of not being able to be with Gracie again if I really don't strive to be worthy. We left after Sacrament Meeting and I just wanted to be sad. Of course I can't do that to Jeremy and the kids so I held it together pretty well. Live and Izsak have shown more emotions this week which is good but Jeremy has shown less which I think is bad. I don't want us to start isolating ourselves and grieving separately but that might just be the nature of it all.
I still can't believe my little Gracie is gone. I guess I'm beginning to accept it more but I am just so sad. I think about her every second of my day. I went to the temple just hoping to feel comfort and peace. It does help but I know nothing will help me until I am able to hug her and kiss her again. My faith is wavering and I've been reading more and more to draw from others accounts and testimonies but I'm just struggling. I just want her back. I want to go back and fix it....either that or just wake up from this nightmare.
Karen posted to Facebook a metaphor she came up with about Gracie and my situation. She said losing Gracie was like losing a limb. You have your other limbs but it doesn't diminish the loss of one. Although you can complete tasks and activities, it's still not the same. You feel pain where the limb is no longer and have to learn to do things again...walk if it's a leg. She was spot on with this metaphor but I've started to think how socially and psychologically they are similar. Nobody wants to draw attention to it. They can't relate, they feel sorry for me but don't say so, afraid to do too much for me, not sure what to do. Then there's my state of mind. I don't want to live the rest of my life without a limb. Today I just wanted to stay in bed. I got up to go to Sacrament Meeting. I have to take the sacrament. I'm afraid of not being able to be with Gracie again if I really don't strive to be worthy. We left after Sacrament Meeting and I just wanted to be sad. Of course I can't do that to Jeremy and the kids so I held it together pretty well. Live and Izsak have shown more emotions this week which is good but Jeremy has shown less which I think is bad. I don't want us to start isolating ourselves and grieving separately but that might just be the nature of it all.
I still can't believe my little Gracie is gone. I guess I'm beginning to accept it more but I am just so sad. I think about her every second of my day. I went to the temple just hoping to feel comfort and peace. It does help but I know nothing will help me until I am able to hug her and kiss her again. My faith is wavering and I've been reading more and more to draw from others accounts and testimonies but I'm just struggling. I just want her back. I want to go back and fix it....either that or just wake up from this nightmare.
July 31, 2013 Journal Entry- Don't Continue to Do Nothing
The past few days have been so hard. We went to Park City for a little weekend get a way. Although we had fun it was really difficult to be there without Gracie. One minute I'm happy racing down the slide with Olivia and the next I'm crying at a picnic table because I think of how much Gracie would enjoy this. I start wondering "What really would she look like now? What would she be wearing? Would her Nike's we just bought still it? Would I do her hair or would Olivia do it?" These questions cause me to feel further away from her and I'm devastated. I've been thinking back to the hospital and how sure I was at everything. I find myself questioning if I really was sure or just ashamed or embarrassed that this could happen to us. I've really been torturing myself with thoughts that we should have waited, maybe she would have recovered. Did I kill my Gracie? I cam to the conclusion that my faith isn't strong enough. I decided to call and make an appointment at the temple. Nothing short of a miracle, I got in. I went today and have been filled with a comfort and peace that I haven't felt for a while. I just prayed and prayed to be able to feel Gracie's spirit with me. Not only did I feel her, I could almost see/picture her when I was in the celestial room. She was not a little girl. She was teen or young adult age. She was happy and still had a closeness with me and a love for me. I had no sadness, regret, guilt, or questioning while I was at the temple. That's how I know that God had a hand in all the events pertaining to those 3 days and I didn't do anything to mess it all up.
Lately people have expressed not knowing what to say or do. I posted on Facebook that I'm only offended when people do or say nothing. I'm pretty much referring to certain family members. Tiffany came over to pick up Garrett after a sleepover. I had received an email from Teacher Misty that morning and I had been crying. Tiffany arrived and I really thought she would offer some support. I knew that once she asked how I was I would pour my heart out. She NEVER asked. Instead we talked about her bad back the whole time. I guess it makes them uncomfortable. It makes me angry and makes me feel like they blame me. My mom is no better. I criticized her for only calling as seldom as she did before Gracie died. She said it's been really hard on her. George says the same about Mary. This upsets me too. I understand she's their grandchild but let's be honest, they only interacted with her a handful of times. They didn't know her any better than her primary teacher yet they are too upset to be a support to me or Jeremy. This has been hard for me to understand.
Lately people have expressed not knowing what to say or do. I posted on Facebook that I'm only offended when people do or say nothing. I'm pretty much referring to certain family members. Tiffany came over to pick up Garrett after a sleepover. I had received an email from Teacher Misty that morning and I had been crying. Tiffany arrived and I really thought she would offer some support. I knew that once she asked how I was I would pour my heart out. She NEVER asked. Instead we talked about her bad back the whole time. I guess it makes them uncomfortable. It makes me angry and makes me feel like they blame me. My mom is no better. I criticized her for only calling as seldom as she did before Gracie died. She said it's been really hard on her. George says the same about Mary. This upsets me too. I understand she's their grandchild but let's be honest, they only interacted with her a handful of times. They didn't know her any better than her primary teacher yet they are too upset to be a support to me or Jeremy. This has been hard for me to understand.
July 30, 2013 FB Post Do Something
Jeremy and I received the most wonderful letter from an equally wonderful woman in the mail today. Her words and thoughts brought me to tears and I so appreciated her for it. However, at the end of the letter she felt the need to state,"I hope I have not offended." This broke my heart that she would have to question what she was obviously prompted to write. Several others have also expressed not knowing what to say or do. I understand this because I too struggled to know what to say or do when I knew someone who had suffered a loss. I just want to express that I am rarely offended by what people do or say to try to comfort me. Even if it's not what I need to hear at that time I understand the intent of their hearts. I am only offended when people do or say nothing.
This was my attempt to let family members know I need for them to talk with me and communicate with me more often than what they did before Gracie passed away. I needed to feel connected to people and needed the constant reassurance that we were supported, not blamed, thought of, cared about, loved, etc. In my mind, I still felt that someone would be able to take this pain away. If I had an issue or problem before, I could talk with the right person and solve the problem. I've had a hard time accepting that I can't fix this. The problem is, what I needed was for people to step out of their comfort zones in regards to their relationships with me and it just isn't possible for them. It's not their child who died; their lives hadn't changed so their relationship or interactions with others (me) wouldn't have changed. In fact, over the past 2 years my interactions with family has become less. Some have expressed not knowing what to say or do when I'm there and I suppose it just makes them uncomfortable...I don't have the energy or desire to help them feel comfortable.
July 19, 2013 FB Post-Unicorn Helmet
I looked at Gracie's scooter in the garage. Her helmet still hangs on the handle like I taught her so she could always find it. Then I noticed, there are no unicorns on her helmet. She had always said, "I got a scooter for Christmas with a unicorn helmet." Her helmet has princesses and castles and even a frog....no unicorns. I wonder why she thought that? She knew what unicorns were thanks to Despicable Me. Why did she think her helmet was a unicorn helmet? Truth is, I'll never know and it makes me beyond sad not to be able to ask my little Gracie that simple question.
July 7, 2013 Journal Entry 3 months
I have accepted that Gracie is gone but it doesn't diminish the pain. I'm learning to incorporate the pain into my life. It makes me angry when people say, "I'm glad you're smiling." They want to believe I'm happy again or "moving on" because they are. I don't begrudge them....it wasn't their child. But they seem to want to believe I am or have too. How can they even think after only 3 months I could feel any different than I did the day of or the week after? Make me angry. I lost my daughter for hell sake....not a beloved pet.
I didn't like that rather than feel supported and like I could feel whatever I needed to feel or behave the way I needed to I had to keep it in check because people were always analyzing my behavior or reactions to situations. I didn't know how I felt from one minute to the next, having someone watching or evaluating was threatening and caused anxiety.
I didn't like that rather than feel supported and like I could feel whatever I needed to feel or behave the way I needed to I had to keep it in check because people were always analyzing my behavior or reactions to situations. I didn't know how I felt from one minute to the next, having someone watching or evaluating was threatening and caused anxiety.
July 4, 2013 The Parade Must Go On...without you.
Last year we were all together watching Liv in the Plain City parade. I told Gracie she would be in the parade with her preschool (Appleseed Academy) next year. Events we had talked about I just don't want to miss. It was hard to see it go by without her but would've been harder if I missed it. I love to see her friends and of course Teacher Misty:) All these firsts.....
Friday, April 24, 2015
July 2, 2013 FB Post: bad-ass
My little Izsak asked me if Heavenly Father thought about how we would feel before taking Gracie from us. My heart broke more but I told him, "We aren't given trials we weren't aware of before this life and we knew we could get through them." That is what I believe. What I first thought was,"Yep, but He went and did it anyway." What I felt like saying was.......
June 30 Facebook-Tourettes
A person with Tourette Syndrome has uncontrollable behaviors “ticks” such as swearing, excessive blinking, shaking, etc. It was explained to me that they can keep these behaviors at bay for a short period of time. However, one minute too long and the behavior manifests like a flood of water when a dam breaks. I totally understand this now. My “ticks” are my tears and it makes me very anxious in social situations. One minute too long and the dam breaks. At least my swearing is under control :)...unless I find the bastard who took Gracie’s butterfly light from her grave…..Tourette’s! I'm always missing my Gracie but lately it's just brutal.
June 25 FB Post-Gracie Robot
Gracie's little friend just came to the door. He wanted to play with Izsak. He asked me if I knew Gracie was dead and that she could hear us and see us. I told him I knew and that her spirit was here, just not her body. He then told me he could build me a Gracie robot and I could keep it!:)
June 24 Facebook Post
I looked at this picture last night and the pain kicked me square in the gut. I sobbed to the point I thought I would wake the family. I tried talking myself out of the hurt..."she's in a better place, you can do this, she doesn't want you to be sad" bla,bla,bla....no good..I cried myself to sleep (again) sure I would feel better in the morning. I didn't. But I got up, took a shower, put on some clean sweats:) and went through the actions and motions of today. Right now I can look at the picture and I feel ok, who knows how I will feel in 10 minutes. This is grief...it's like a crazy neighbor you just can't anticipate or avoid:) I sure love the memory of this picture but I hate that sometimes it's so painful to remember..but again, I'm grateful it's not that painful all the time:)
June 16 and 18 Facebook Posts-Summer Games without You.
- June 16: I was able to help coach Liv's team for the bronze medal win at Utah Summer Games. I'm so happy for my "steel wall" Olivia but missing my "tri-athlete" Gracie so much it hurts. These pictures make me smile but I wonder when a smile will (again) mean I'm actually happy.
- June 18: When we arrived at Gracie's grave tonight we were touched that one of our team members had given Gracie a bronze medal. I'm so touched they thought of her. Of course she should have one for playing right alongside Liv:) Thank you so much!
Saturday, April 18, 2015
June 13, 2013 Journal Entry (2 months)
A smile used to mean I was happy. Laughing used to mean life was great. Now a smile will never mean I am happy because I'm not and laughing won't mean life is great because it will never be again. I know I should be glad, happy, grateful for my other children and I am. But being glad, happy grateful for them does not take away the pain, sorrow, misery, and void from Gracie's death. I am so sad.
My journal entries were more honest than my posts to Facebook. I feared if I were too negative on Facebook I would lose support. It took me about 18 months to realize what a false sense of support Facebook was for me and that I needed to be honest about how I felt. I needed to be able to feel what I needed when I needed to without judgement. If not, I would only feel worse....and didn't think that was possible.
My journal entries were more honest than my posts to Facebook. I feared if I were too negative on Facebook I would lose support. It took me about 18 months to realize what a false sense of support Facebook was for me and that I needed to be honest about how I felt. I needed to be able to feel what I needed when I needed to without judgement. If not, I would only feel worse....and didn't think that was possible.
June 6 Facebook Post: 2 months
It's been two months to the date. I went to Old Navy today and had to keep reminding myself not to get anything for Gracie. Then I remembered the new pair of flip-flops, summer dress and shorts I had just bought for her, hanging in the laundry room, tags still attached. Two months ago and some moments hurt as if it were just yesterday.
Looking at this post 2 years later I can't believe I felt I should feel anything but misery after only 2 months. Why did I feel I should be feeling better at only 2 months?
Thursday, March 19, 2015
May 30, 2013 Angel Birthday
We went bowling Monday 5/27 for Gracie's birthday. We had the whole Jensen family there. It was good to celebrate together but oh how I miss my little girl. I printed out pictures from when we went for Izsak's birthday. I put them on a poster the Primary made and hung it in the party room. I thought it would make me feel better but it doesn't. I cried a few times but held it together for the most part. I love being around my family. Although they grieve for Gracie they acknowledge my grief and don't' try to "one-up" me like others have.
I am just so sad. Yesterday was horrible. It was the first day of summer. I ALWAYS looked forward to summer and reconnecting with the kids. But summer is here and my Gracie isn't. I know I need to get up and get going for the other kids but I just can't. I miss her so much.
On her actual birthday (5/28/2013) it rained. It made me sad but then on my way to her grave (after Jeremy's family had all left from having cake) I saw a rainbow. Then yesterday after such a hard day I saw another while I was standing right at her grave. Little tender mercies.
This is my identity now and it bothers me. I feel like a failure of a parent because I couldn't keep my child alive/safe. Do others feel that way about me? I'm glad I found the journal entry from before but sometimes I even doubt the significance of that. The demons enter my mind and my thoughts become irrational. I just can't believe Gracie is really gone and my life must continue without her.
I am just so sad. Yesterday was horrible. It was the first day of summer. I ALWAYS looked forward to summer and reconnecting with the kids. But summer is here and my Gracie isn't. I know I need to get up and get going for the other kids but I just can't. I miss her so much.
On her actual birthday (5/28/2013) it rained. It made me sad but then on my way to her grave (after Jeremy's family had all left from having cake) I saw a rainbow. Then yesterday after such a hard day I saw another while I was standing right at her grave. Little tender mercies.
This is my identity now and it bothers me. I feel like a failure of a parent because I couldn't keep my child alive/safe. Do others feel that way about me? I'm glad I found the journal entry from before but sometimes I even doubt the significance of that. The demons enter my mind and my thoughts become irrational. I just can't believe Gracie is really gone and my life must continue without her.
May 27-28, 2013 FB Posts for Gracie's Birthday
Facebook Posts throughout the day:
We went bowling for Izsak's birthday in March. Gracie wanted to go for her birthday....so we did! I miss her so much.
May 28, 2013:
Happy birthday to my sweet Gracie:)xoxoxo
May 28th (Gracie's Birthday) last year. Such wonderful memories at Disneyland and the beach:) Soooooo glad we had that vacation together.
I was a little sad it rained but it had to so Gracie could mix her water colors to paint us a rainbow! So happy to see how many people love Gracie and visited her grave. One last birthday wish to my sweet girl:)
We went bowling for Izsak's birthday in March. Gracie wanted to go for her birthday....so we did! I miss her so much.
May 28, 2013:
Happy birthday to my sweet Gracie:)xoxoxo
May 28th (Gracie's Birthday) last year. Such wonderful memories at Disneyland and the beach:) Soooooo glad we had that vacation together.
I was a little sad it rained but it had to so Gracie could mix her water colors to paint us a rainbow! So happy to see how many people love Gracie and visited her grave. One last birthday wish to my sweet girl:)
May 26, 2013 Don't Compare...You Can't.
Entry from my Journal:
I was so incredibly sad last night. I just cried and cried until I fell asleep. I was sad that I had to put flowers on Gracie's grave instead of being able to hand them to her. I was sad. I'm the only one in the family without all my kids to celebrate holidays. It doesn't help that when I try to express my sadness my sister-in-laws make me feel they are trying to "One-up" me on the grieving scale. For example, I was telling one of them how hard family get-togethers are and she responded, "They are hard on all of us." I'm sorry the death of my child who you hardly knew is so hard on you that you can't be a support to me. When I was explaining how we weren't going to do a family gathering for Viola's blessing (we changed our minds) another sister in law said, "Oh I know, after I had my last baby I was so post-pardon I didn't want to do anything either." REALLY? Because this really is not even the same thing.
I was probably post-pardon as well yet wouldn't even begin to consider that because MY CHILD DIED and NOTHING compares to that!! Just say you are sorry or shut the hell up!
I realize I'm being very self-centered and I'm sure this is hard on all of them too but I just want them to acknowledge my pain and grief and then I can acknowledge theirs.
Today, however, is a much better day. We blessed Vi at church. Jeremy blessed her with health and strength. He blessed her to know how much we love her and that we'll always be here for her. I used to get so nervous for Jeremy before the blessings but today I didn't. He's grown so much spiritually in the last couple months. I just know he's more comfortable and "gets it".
After Sacrament meeting the primary went outside and sang happy birthday to Gracie and then sent off balloons. Inside the balloons my kids wrote messages to send. One little balloon seemed to hang back as the rest lifted off. I thought of Gracie. I could almost hear her say, "yep, there's my balloon." It's so touching to have such a fabulous, supportive ward.
We went to the cemetery tonight. Memorial weekend is my new favorite. It was like a party at the cemetery! It was actually a lot of fun seeing all the cars and people and flowers. It was just a happy place....hard to explain and crazy that it would be anything but sad and reverent but tonight it wasn't:)
I was so incredibly sad last night. I just cried and cried until I fell asleep. I was sad that I had to put flowers on Gracie's grave instead of being able to hand them to her. I was sad. I'm the only one in the family without all my kids to celebrate holidays. It doesn't help that when I try to express my sadness my sister-in-laws make me feel they are trying to "One-up" me on the grieving scale. For example, I was telling one of them how hard family get-togethers are and she responded, "They are hard on all of us." I'm sorry the death of my child who you hardly knew is so hard on you that you can't be a support to me. When I was explaining how we weren't going to do a family gathering for Viola's blessing (we changed our minds) another sister in law said, "Oh I know, after I had my last baby I was so post-pardon I didn't want to do anything either." REALLY? Because this really is not even the same thing.
I was probably post-pardon as well yet wouldn't even begin to consider that because MY CHILD DIED and NOTHING compares to that!! Just say you are sorry or shut the hell up!
I realize I'm being very self-centered and I'm sure this is hard on all of them too but I just want them to acknowledge my pain and grief and then I can acknowledge theirs.
Today, however, is a much better day. We blessed Vi at church. Jeremy blessed her with health and strength. He blessed her to know how much we love her and that we'll always be here for her. I used to get so nervous for Jeremy before the blessings but today I didn't. He's grown so much spiritually in the last couple months. I just know he's more comfortable and "gets it".
After Sacrament meeting the primary went outside and sang happy birthday to Gracie and then sent off balloons. Inside the balloons my kids wrote messages to send. One little balloon seemed to hang back as the rest lifted off. I thought of Gracie. I could almost hear her say, "yep, there's my balloon." It's so touching to have such a fabulous, supportive ward.
We went to the cemetery tonight. Memorial weekend is my new favorite. It was like a party at the cemetery! It was actually a lot of fun seeing all the cars and people and flowers. It was just a happy place....hard to explain and crazy that it would be anything but sad and reverent but tonight it wasn't:)
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