Journal: I woke up so sad and anxious. I've felt so great for the past few days, so strong since I voiced to a friend last Tuesday that I needed her to not have gone and gotten a boob job when she did (just months after Gracie's death). For weeks that was her focus along with recovery. I needed her to not go on the vacation following the boobs (which was the reason for the boobs) that wasn't planned or scheduled before Gracie passed away. She was who I wanted to process with, whose support I felt I needed. I put her above family in my support because she was at the hospital. Ultimately, in hindsight, I needed her to not have been the one with me at the hospital. She is not who should've taken part in such a sacred time....holding sacred memories I would need to process through. People are allowed to vacation, it's not that. It's that I felt it was a deliberate attempt to escape such an inconvenience. I know our conversation was probably hard for her to hear and I hope one day she'll understand. I understand her inability to attend to a single task for too long but I just thought maybe this was different. I realize, to her, it wasn't. I get it but it doesn't make it easier to be around her so it's best I'm not. But I woke up feeling worse than I've felt in a long time. Why?...Because yesterday was March and today is April. That's why. But I had to get Vi up and to the doctor by 9 so I pushed passed the pain. Actually, I moved it onto my back and got out of bed. (I feel as though I'm wearing a weighted down back-pack all damn day).
Vi has been a little cranky but nothing too bad. She has an ear infection and fluid in the other ear that hasn't cleared for months. I know it's from bottles in bed like Olivia had but she doesn't take a bink. I can't let her cry to sleep and she doesn't let me rock her. It's her routine now. We are leaving in two days, on a plane and I hope she does ok.
We decided to go out of town for the Angel Anniversary. I knew it needed to be big and more than just Park City for me to actually go. I wanted warm and so full of fun for the kids....complete distraction. We are going to Florida! I can't wait until we tell them at the airport tomorrow morning. They think we are going to Park City.
You would never know she has an ear infection. She is such a joy and the reason I get up in the morning.
