April 6 2013,
I had
been awake most of the night unsure of what to do. I constantly checked my FB feed and phone in
hopes of some type update on sweet Gracie’s condition. I honestly thought that it would be okay,
that the Lord could not let this happen, not to Rebecca, not to her
family. The past few days had been full
of prayers so obviously he heard us. At around 6am I checked my FB feed again
and gently started to sob waking my husband.
He asked what was wrong and I handed him my phone, I couldn’t speak, he
read Rebecca’s post and he too started to cry.
We knew this was not going to turn out how we had hoped. I asked Jason what we should do unsure of how
to help ease such a strong burden. He
asked if I wanted go to the Hospital. I told him I didn’t know if Rebecca would
want me there or if she had her family and all of the support she needed. Jason simply asked “If the situation was
reversed and it was you in the hospital with your child how would you feel if
she walked in, would you want her there?”
I sent a text to Camille asking her to ask Rebecca if I should/could be
there for her, Camille sent a text back saying I could so I quickly got
dressed.
I had
never been to Primary Children’s Hospital before, I knew it was downtown but I
had no idea where I was headed. As I
drove my emotions were tense, not knowing what I was going to walk into. I cried, feeling like what I had to offer
might not be enough. Camille called on
my way telling me where to go and how to check in. As I pulled in I quickly parked and noticed
the Becker’s car parked close to mine and it all started to feel real…this was
the right place, this is really happening, this is not going to change. I walked in and checked in at the front desk
and they told me how to get to the pediatric intensive care unit. When I walked into the waiting room the first
person I saw was Bishop Larsen, pacing.
He walked over and shook my hand and continued to pace. Kristin Larson
was sitting listening to conference on her iPad, she looked up and smiled
gently and said hello. Mykel Henrie was sitting alone in the corner looking on
his phone. He looked up and nodded with a somber look on his face & I knew
it had been a long night for many. There
were a number of closed doors on the right hand side of the room and I noticed
that they were for family who couldn’t leave and needed a private place to rest
or keep their belongings. One opened and
out came Camille holding Vi, she had been trying to keep her asleep and
comfortable while her parents were at her sister’s side.
I went to see if I could help with the baby
and as Camille and I talked Rebecca came through the doors leading from inside
the PICU. I wrapped my arms around her
and started to cry as she said “it is so horrible, it is just so horrible”. I
don’t know what I expected from Rebecca, if I thought she would be weak with
grief or in a state of uncontrollable shock but that’s not what I saw. Those emotions were present but what I saw
was an incredibly strong and determined mother. She was fiercely focused on her family and
what they needed and would need in the near future. She was so brave.
Vi had been on a regimen of breast
milk Rebecca had been able to pump and baby formula. We went into the “Becker’s” assigned rest
area because Rebecca needed to assess little Vi’s needs and find out from
Camille how well she had eaten and if she had slept. Rebecca’s milk production was not at its best
because of the disruption in normal nursing so Vi had been taking more formula
than normal….she was a little fussy.
Rebecca had come out to the waiting area with some milk she had just
pumped and wanted Vi to eat, she was
worried that the formula was hard on her tummy so she wanted her to get as much
breast milk as she could. I took Vi from Camille to give her a little break while Rebecca prepped the
bottle and Vi immediately turned her head and started searching for milk. I was in the middle of trying to wean Eli so
I was pretty full and Vi knew it. Vi started to get upset and fuss since she
knew food was near but she wasn’t getting any.
Half jokingly I told Rebecca “ I have plenty of milk, if you need more
take mine.” Rebecca smiled and kind of
chuckled and said “you know I never got how in the old days they had wet nurses
and sisters would nurse each other’s babies….today I get it.” Rebecca was so
exhausted both physically and emotionally that she was open to just about
anything to gain a little relief. While
the comment was just light hearted what she didn’t know was I would have done just
about anything to ease her burden even just a little, so my milk was really
hers if she wanted it.
I handed the baby back to Rebecca
to feed and we just sat in the small room and talked. Rebecca was worried about
what was being said in the neighborhood.
Were there stories being told or people talking? Face Book, both a blessing and a curse at a
time like this, gave her a little insight but some comments that were made and
links to news articles were troublesome for her. I tried the best I could to reassure her that
everyone was worried and praying for her little girl and that I had not heard
anything negative from anyone. Everyone
was just in shock that this could happen and felt helpless.
After Vi had finished and fell
asleep Rebecca asked if Camille and I wanted to go back and see Gracie. I was a bit apprehensive, yes I wanted to be there for Rebecca however
I could and to do that I had to try and understand what she was facing, but it
was scary. To see her little girl made
it real, the thought made my heart ache and my eyes burn. We walked though a hallway and halfway there
she stopped and wanted to explain what happened during the accident.
She wanted us to know the details away from everyone else in the waiting
area so that if there were any questions we would know what happened. She was so worried about Jeremy. What was he thinking? How could she help him?
What is he going through? What had he
eaten, he hadn’t eaten in days? You
could visually see the love she had for him written all over her face.
She said they had both received blessings the night before and had
struggled immensely throughout the night but today they were at peace and knew
they had made the right decisions for their baby. My heart broke a little more with every word
she spoke as the realization of what she had truly faced these passes 40 odd
hours hit me.
We walked into Gracie’s room. She looked beautiful. At first glance she seemed to be just quietly
sleeping. Her hair was tied up in little red bows, I wondered if the nurses had
done it or if Rebecca had. Her little fingernail polish was chipped just how a
little girl who is busy running and playing should have been. I looked over and saw Jeremy with his head
bowed just so sad and worn out. Rebecca attended to h is needs for a minute
while Camille and I sat with Gracie.
Rebecca returned to our side within minutes and explained what had been
going on with Gracie over the last few days.
How at first Gracie’s eyes would flutter as if dreaming and that they
had been hopeful as this was a sign of brain function but that had stopped
during the night. As we watched her it
became obvious that the machines had taken over keeping her alive. Each breath
was induced but the machine pumping oxygen through her, she was no longer doing
it on her own. There had been a time set
to remove her from the machines assistance. Rebecca showed Camille a picture
Myka had sent to Gracie, saying she was sorry she was hurt and that she loved
her. It was a nice picture. After a few
minutes we said goodbye to Gracie and returned to the waiting area. Rebecca stayed with Jeremy.
When we returned Camille, Kristen
Larson & I went into prepare mode.
Camille and Kristen had been talking about what the Becker’s would need
immediately upon arriving home and they had been trying to think of a sign or
something to place on their door so that they would not be bothered by well
intentioned people at a time they needed peace.
I found the saying “Family Time is Sacred Time” and thought I could have
my mother in law prepare it while we were there so it would be ready when they
arrived home. I went outside to call her
to explain what was going on so that she could work on it and have it ready in
a few hours if needed. She was so sad as
well and happy to help any way she could. I thanked her and returned to the
waiting area.
When I came back into the PICU
waiting room I noticed Mykel had left at some point but two new people had
arrived. I knew they must be Rebecca’s
parents. Rebecca had explained that her
mother worked and the hospital and had been checking in on them from time to
time. Her mother was wearing her name
badge and when Camille introduced me she shook my hand and said “Welcome to
hell.” She wasn’t trying to be mean or sound rude by any means. She explained how hard it was working there
and seeing these situations time and time again and to now be in one was truly
hell. I welcomed her bluntness, in way
it reminded me of Rebecca. I remember
thinking “so this is where she gets it from”.
The all “business” attitude was inherited.
We sat and waited, it was all there
was to do. Camille and I spoke to
Rebecca’s parents. Camille told how Gracie loved getting picked up by her
grandpa and how it was sweet to watch them walk away hand in hand, such a
little girl with such a big man. How she
perked up when he came because it usually meant french fries were in her near
future. They spoke about the good times
and happy memories; bike riding, chubby legs and dancing. We tried to talk about all the good things
that little girl had brought her family and the people around her.
Eventually Rebecca came back out
and explained that the time for the removal of the machines was drawing
near. She was starting to wonder if she
and Jeremy were making the right decision.
Even though she had received many blessings and felt at peace with the
decision as time grew near doubt began to creep in. Comments from others and stories that well
intended people shared began to chip away and her resolve. Rebecca wanted to counsel with her
mother. That all “business” demeanor she
shared with her mother was evident as they discussed what was best for Gracie
and what Gracie would have wanted and needed in order to be happy here on earth. They spoke about family who made a very
different decision for their child and how Gracie would not want that, how
Gracie would need her independence and her freedom….. and her bike. After the comfort Rebecca felt from the frank
discussion with her mother she knew what she was doing was right for Gracie
even though the pain of it was tearing her apart, she knew what her child
needed. Rebecca’s mother then explained
the process to us, what would happen after Gracie passed. She told us that the hospital would allow
Rebecca and Jeremy to sit with Gracie until they were ready to say goodbye and
how Jeremy would be allowed to wrap his baby in his arms and carry her to a
waiting security guard who would watch over Gracie until the funeral home came
to take her. Rebecca’s mother explained
that this was not because they were worried something or someone would try to
harm Gracie but as I sign of respect to the child and her family. She also explained that the corridor that
they would walk down could be lined with those she chose to be there to support
them as they carried their child.
Rebecca seemed comforted by this and after her resolve was met she told
us it was time and that she was going to sit with Jeremy and Gracie. She told us that when the time came she would
text us to go back to the corridor to wait for them to carry Gracie’s body down
the hallway to the awaiting guard. She
asked that we get one last picture for her, so that she could remember. We
agreed to do this for her.
Rebecca left and Camille and I
returned to the waiting area with her parents to wait. No one spoke.
There was nothing left to do but wait and pray. I’m not sure how much time past but it wasn’t
long before Camille’s phone pinged and she looked up and said it’s time, she’s
gone. We got up and hurried to the entrance
of the PICU and to our shock there were two hallways. We didn’t know where to go so we all started
panic trying to figure out where to go in order to support Rebecca and Jeremy. Within seconds we saw them coming down the
far hallway, Gracie wrapped gently in her father’s arms and Rebecca holding on
to his arm wondering why we were all so far away. We froze, the sight so
crushing as the realization hit. It must have only been a split second before I
saw Camille run, she ran to catch the picture Rebecca had so desperately
wanted. The rest of us ran after her and
I remember Bishop Larson saying behind me “Good job Camille, get to her” and
she did. After a second we could no longer
see them so we turned and went back to the waiting area in order to give them
their privacy while they said goodbye.
Months later, after talking to Rebecca, I found out that because Rebecca
and Jeremy had made the agonizing and selfless decision to donate Gracie’s
organs they only had 90 seconds from the time she passed to get her tiny body
to the OR. That it was actually an OR nurse who met them at the end of that
long corridor and that after her organs were received her tiny body would be
watched over until the time came to transport her to the funeral home. After a few minutes Rebecca and Jeremy walked
in and we all stood up not sure what to do or what they would need. Rebecca
said she just needed to sit for a while until she could gather herself
together. So we sat while Jeremy held her and we waited until they were ready
to leave.
I remember thinking that there had
to be some process something that had to be done before we left but there
wasn’t. When the time came we gathered
their personal items and walked out of the hospital. There seemed to be a rush
to leave, like it would make it better to get out as quick as we could and get
them home but it doesn’t make it better, it just doesn’t. As we were walking out, we had our arms full
of personal items, and a couple coming into the hospital said with joy “how
great someone is going home today” my heart immediately sank as I prayed that
Rebecca did not hear those words. I know
that this couple must be at Primary Children’s for a reason and that they
probably awaited the day they could “go home” with their child and I hope that
they made it back to their home here on earth and not the heavenly home Gracie
had just returned to but it didn’t make those words any less crushing at the
time. With tears in our eyes we walked
through the doors when I heard a woman scream “Rebecca, oh Rebecca” and run
into Rebecca’s arms. I don’t know who
this woman was but Rebecca folded into her arms and sobbed. She must have been someone Rebecca loved. Jeremy went and got the car and pulled it to
the sidewalk. We moved car seats around and secured Vi in her seat. We loaded
up the car and they were off, headed home without their Gracie.
