April 4, 2013 The Accident

I had left for soccer practice with Olivia and Jeremy was home with Izsak, Gracie and Vi.  Gracie had asked to come to soccer but I had to coach and was afraid I wouldn't be able to watch her.  The last time we were there I made her wear her helmet while playing on the playground.  I was just so worried she would fall.  Now, I was coaching the team and wouldn't be able to watch her at practice.  She was happy to stay home with Dad and gave me a hug and kiss good-bye. 

Gracie had been asking to go outside but it was a little too cold and windy to take Vi out (4 weeks old).  Jeremy told Gracie he would take her out as soon as Vi went to sleep.  Close to 7:00 pm Jeremy took Gracie out back to play.  They gave Daisy a bone and put her in her kennel so she wouldn't jump all over Gracie.  Gracie was playing on the swing-set.  Jeremy told her he would be right back and went in to check on Vi.  Vi did not sleep well and had woken up.  Jeremy was rocking her back to sleep when he looked out the back door and couldn't see Gracie on the swing-set.  He put Vi down and went out back.  He called for her but thought maybe she was in her playhouse around the side of the house and couldn't hear him.  He walked toward the swing then turned to look in the playhouse.  She wasn't there.  He headed into the garage and then back into the house calling for her.  When he came back out through the garage into the backyard he saw Gracie laying in the middle of slide with a rope around her neck tied to the crossbar above the slide.  The thick walls of the slide had concealed Gracie's body from Jeremy as he had first walked toward the slide before looking in the playhouse.  She looked as though she was sleeping but she wasn't breathing as he loosened the rope from her neck and rushed her into the house.  He grabbed his phone and called 911 and began CPR.  Izsak was in his room playing a video game when he heard a thud.  He told me he thought Dad had dropped Gracie but it was Jeremy dropping to his knees with Gracie in his arms.  Izsak said, "Dad was talking with the doctor and crying and pushing on Gracie's chest and saying, 'don't do this to me sweetie'.  Dad saw me and told me to go out and wait for the ambulance."  Izsak had just celebrated his 9th birthday a month before.
As Jeremy was giving Gracie CPR she was vomiting because the air was going into her stomach and not her airway.  This caused her to aspirate into her lungs.  I've wondered if neighbors who came to clean our carpets thought this was a sign of Gracie fighting to live.  I wish it were, but it wasn't.  It was an involuntary reaction to CPR.  He continued CPR until paramedics arrived to take over.  After more than 30 minutes they were able to get a heartbeat but Gracie never breathed again on her own.

Looking back at that day I know God has a plan and if Gracie had been meant to live, she would have.  Three months after Gracie's accident the same thing happened to a little girl in Stansbury Park and she lived. There have been so many experiences of other children in similar situations and they lived. But it doesn't change the fact I hate that she died, I hate that this is how she died.  I hate that my husband had to endure this alone and continues to be terrorized by nightmares.  I hate the guilt I have in not taking her with me or just staying home.  What the hell was I trying to prove in coaching soccer 4 weeks after giving birth?  I wanted to stay home with Gracie.  Why didn't I just stay home?