April 6, 2013- Our Gracie is Gone

April 6, 2013

When we first arrived to Primary Children's just before 9:00 pm April 4th Gracie's prognosis was confusing.  They had us wait in a little private waiting room where the social worker and doctors came in to talk with us.  They kept telling us how sick Gracie was.  This didn't make sense to me.  She had just gotten over a cold which resulted in pink eye.  We administered her drops twice a day and kept her away from Vi.  She was feeling better.  What did they mean she was sick?  It bothered me that they thought they knew more about my child than I did.  They didn't know what they were talking about.  When we finally got to see her, I couldn't believe it.  I knew she was gone and it was just the machine keeping her alive.  Some doctors confirmed this but others didn't seem so sure.  The nurses were kind enough to let me know they just don't want to seem harsh and cold so they talk that there could be a chance.  They mean those miracles that happen because it's really not someone's time to go regardless of how bleak the circumstances.  This was not one of those times and I needed ALL of them to assure me of that...but they didn't until late into the night April 5th.  As I laid next to Gracie I heard Jeremy talking with the doctor.  He explained how the body shuts down and is only supported by life support and could go on that way for as long as the machine was running. After talking with him, Jeremy was certain.  I spoke with the nurse who looked after Gracie and was so confident.  She said Gracie was giving every indication that her body was not going to recover.  She had several EEG's which first indicated abnormal brain activity and then finally, no brain activity.  More than anything, I knew she wasn't there and wasn't going to be.  On the night of April 5th we signed the donor papers and the transplant team would be assembled at 10:00am April 6th. 

My Facebook Post Update:
We spoke to the doctors throughout the night. Gracie only has slight brain function that is not considered at all voluntary. She is only being kept alive by the machines and this could go on for an unknown period of time. If she were ever to stabilize on her own she would be in a vegetative state. We have prayed so hard and received many blessings to try to decide what is best. Doctors are confident she will not progress past this point.

Saturday, April 6th 7:00am I got in the shower at the hospital next to the room we were staying in.  Camille helped me so I could shower with Vi as well.  As I handed Vi out to Camille I sat in the shower and cried, "My daughter is going to die today." I realized I needed more time.  I went into Gracie's room and requested to wait until noon.  They assured me I could take all the time I needed but as the whole team of transplant doctors had to clear their schedules and wait on me, I just didn't feel I could continue to inconvenience.  I was so concerned about putting others out.  Clearly I was in shock but at the same time, how long do you wait when you could potentially be on the machine for years?  I remembered a conversation I had with a friend of mine from Canyon View School where I had previously taught.  She said, "Science can save these kids but should it?" I prayed and begged God that if Gracie was meant to live we would take the ventilator out and she would breathe on her own.  That would be my sign.  The doctor's said once the ventilator was out, it could take hours before she would pass.  I told them if she even breathed for a second on her own we would put life support back on.  That's how I would know.

For the next couple hours Jeremy and I sat alone with Gracie and held her.  I was so worried about Jeremy.  How would he endure this?  How would we?  I saw his pain, his total agony and vowed never to do anything to add to it.  I needed to be strong for him.  I needed him to know how much I loved him and how sorry I was that this happened.  Standing vigil in the room with us were the transplant doctors and nurses.  Once Gracie's heart stopped we would have 90 seconds to get Gracie to the operating room.  They told Jeremy he could carry her or they would just take her but we needed to say our goodbyes now.  Jeremy was insistent that he would carry her and get her there on time.  He did not want anyone else to take her.  At 12:30 pm I needed my miracle.  Jeremy said he was ready and I was sure once the machine was off and the ventilator was pulled, she would breathe...she would wake up.  She didn't.

We knew what was expected and what the next step was.  She never breathed, her heart stopped immediately and we had 90 seconds to get her to the operating room.  "If I just get through this, it will all go away and my life will go back to how it was."  Jeremy carried her with me holding him from behind and we walked down the corridor down to the O.R.  We kissed her and handed her body over to the nurse. 




I just wanted to leave.  I wanted to get home to be with my kids because I knew if I could just get home and out of this hell, Gracie would be there. It's taken me almost 2 years to accept she is never coming back. 


Facebook Post after Leaving the hospital: 
Our little Gracie has passed. Jeremy and I held her as she went. It was very fast indicating to all that she was already gone. We appreciate the love and support from all.
Comment:
I feel it a great blessing to have known this sweet little angel. She will be missed in our Sunbeam class. Jeremy, Rebecca, Isaac and Olivia you are in our prayers. I hope you can be comforted knowing that sweet little Gracie is still in your family and waits for you in her heavenly home.
Comment:
Becky, I was truly sadened and heartsick to hear of your loss today. I can't even imagine how difficult this test on earth would be. I do know that you are an amazing daughter of our Heavenly Father whose legacy carried to your beautiful daughter. Please know our family's prayers are for the healing powers to rest upon your family's shoulders throughout this difficult time. (Raelyn Hansen)
Comment:

Dear sweet Rebecca,
I cannot stop crying for you.
I have known you almost my entire life and I've watched you overcome obstacles that seemed impossible and I've seen you accomplish everything you said you were going to.
You are an amazing... mother and so caring and loving. I asked my mom to please hug you for me when she saw you today.
Bless your sweet heart Rebecca. I am so sorry you have to go through this. No mother should ever have to go through this. I love you and I'm right here whenever you need me and for whatever you need. (Karen Strang Bodily)