April 5, 2013- Waiting

April 5, 2013
While waiting in the hospital, Kristen Larsen suggested I post an update to Face Book because there were so many questions and rumors.  This is all I could bring myself to post.....

I'm so thankful for all the support. There is a lot of swelling to the brain and abnormal brain activity. There's no definitive answers.

Response from cousin Susan:  I am praying for you here in Colorado. My mom, Nila, told me about it this morning and we have been thinking about her all day. My mom put her name in at the Denver temple. Love- Love- Love you guys!!!- Susan Nicholas

I knew as soon as I saw Gracie on April 4th that she was not going to make it. She had numerous priesthood blessings that confirmed to us that she was not meant to recover and that she was not to remain on this earth.  I can't believe the amount of comfort I felt in such a horrible situation.  I just knew that everything would be fine, that Gracie would be fine but not fine as in recover, fine as in moving on.  I felt Gracie was eager to go.  I looked at her body, slept next to her, helped bathe her and she was just a shell.  Her spirit had left her body and at one point I felt her standing next to me. 

Looking back, how did I know that?  I question it now.  Did I give up too soon?  Did we not wait long enough?  Did I think if I just let her go, she would come back?  Yes. As crazy as that sounds, I really thought I just needed to play the "cool customer" and I would be rewarded for my good behavior. It felt as though I was the leading role in a really shitty movie and if I just played the part well, it would all be over soon and I could go back to my life.  So when they asked about donor services I was gracious and talked with them about what organs we would donate not believing that would ever come to pass.  How do you wrap your mind around that?  "My daughter is going to die and we are going to give her organs to someone else." This wasn't real.  It was an Oscar winning performance. "Take all the time you need but we need to get the transplant team in place.  Let's plan on 10:00 am."  Was I really scheduling my daughter to die?  I was simply following the lead of the experts. I know in my job I'm the expert and I want the parents of my students to trust me when it comes to their child's education.  These doctors and nurses know their jobs and they want me to trust them that my daughter is going to die.  I was still praying for a miracle and knew one would come if it were God's will but I wouldn't see that miracle until we turned the machine off.  I wasn't ready to do that and, thank Heaven, neither was the transplant team.