Nov. 26, 2014 Silver Lining...My Ass.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I hate that because I no longer have Gracie it seems I'm not grateful for anything else. It's hard that nothing will ever be as good, as wonderful, as fun, as complete because she is not here.  I know what it's like to feel that "life is good" feeling and I will never have that again.

George and Mary flew to Tennessee to be with Jeremy’s sister for Thanksgiving.  It bothered me.  They can quench their longing for their daughter by hopping a plane while I'm left here to be tortured by longing for mine.  I need to not allow myself to feel this is any reflection on me but when someone leaves my misery to pursue their happiness and comfort, I'm angry, hurt...not really sure.  It's not like they are any source of comfort but I feel like telling George all the wonderful things he has said to us as well as others regarding our grief, "get over it, she's gone. You just need to move on. Get used to your new normal."  BIG difference, his daughter lives in another State, is a grown-ass adult, can Skype, write, call, etc.  He's such an insensitive prick.

I haven't had any communication with Tiffany in a year.  I don't know if it had to do with George and Mary being there or what but she sent the following quote to Jeremy and myself on Thanksgiving, "Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek."

 First of all, she hadn't spoken to me in a year.  Prior to that, made excuses that the reason she hadn't EVER called or tried to help (Remember...my daughter died, I had a 4 week old, and she lived closer than any other family member and didn't call or come over once) was because her back hurt.  SILVER LINING??? What the hell?  After trying to convince myself it was coming from a good place, I gave up and wanted to protect myself from receiving anything like this again from her so I responded, "I've been thinking about the quote you sent me.  Although I understand your intentions, there is no silver lining to a parent losing their child decades too soon.  Nothing good has or will come from Gracie's death.  Maybe the silver lining is that I will be able to be with Gracie again but so will every parent who is able (like you) to spend their lives on Earth with their children.  I do however appreciate knowing you think of us and hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving."

I wanted to say, "F-you" and probably just should have because my reply has made the Becker Family claim I was so easily offended that they just couldn't say anything without me getting upset so communication once a year went to never communicating again for the next 3 years. They will never understand that my hurt first started with their judgement and continued with their distance.  At that point, it didn't matter what they said.  I don't have the emotional energy to make it better for them because my life has fallen apart.  There is no way of making this better.  Acknowledge this sucks, we don't deserve this, we can be sad, angry, mad, frustrated, whatever we need for as long as we need to.  You won't judge, place bets or have conversations amongst yourselves on what effect you think this will have on our marriage.  You won't criticize and, Heaven forbid, you will still love us when we NEVER return to normal.

Nov. 9, 2014 Pink Ribbons Don't Play a big Enough Part

Sunday I was bothered hearing the Primary kids practicing for the program.  Once again, an opportunity for parents to parade their children and painful reminders for me.  Not a single remembrance of Gracie.  Last year she had her part that I read, the picture of her with Jesus, everyone wore ribbons.  This year, nothing.  We had discussed having just her class wear ribbons but nothing has been said since.  I have countless cards from people given to us after Gracie died saying, "We will never forget her."  Apparently "NEVER" doesn't mean what I thought it meant because she feels pretty forgotten.  Either that or they are all a bunch of damn liars.  Either way, it's so hurtful.  I posted about this as well as seeing girls in white baptism dresses when mine is buried in one.  Following my post the Primary President came to my door with Peanut Butter bars made by the first counselor (why she didn't come I can only speculate) but she wanted to address what I posted.  She said, "Well we asked if you wanted us to do something for Gracie's birthday (May) as if trying to make it seem as if I've brought this void upon myself.  Recognizing a child for their birthday in primary is a hell of a lot different than participating in the primary program.  I could tell she was uncomfortable, awkward and guarded talking with me.  This made me feel bad and like I needed to help her feel better regarding the death of my daughter.  This seemed to be the constant trend of anyone coming to my house to offer "support". I hate that people are so uncomfortable and I feel bad but my hell, you know what I hate worse?  That my daughter died and that my daughter dying makes them so uncomfortable that I'm treated as though I did something wrong. 

It was decided just her class would wear pink ribbons to honor her during the program.  I felt satisfied and comfortable until today.  Sitting through the program was harder than I thought it would be.  I loved seeing the bishop with a pink ribbon and a small part of me still thought, "Maybe he could fix this or convince God to change this."  Then I realized, that's why I need people to not forget she is part of our family.  They all need to advocate or vouch for me.  If I'm the only one remembering or caring that she's part of my family, it might not be enough to persuade or convince the powers that be on the other side.  It's hard to explain but boils down to not enough time together on Earth will result with Gracie forgetting me in Heaven.  The less I'm with my mom the less I feel I need her or want to be with her.  My mo and I have grown apart.  I'm so afraid this will happen with me and Gracie. 

Nov. 19, 2014 What Would Gracie Have Been?

I had been doing ok leading up to Halloween.  I started thinking the fog was lifting but remained cautious of changing or shifting winds.  Sure enough, the Wednesday before Halloween it hit me at the Ward Trunk-Or-Treat.  We dressed in Alice in Wonderland as a family theme.  I was the Cheshire Cat, Olivia was Queen of Hearts, Izsak was Mad Hatter, Vi was Mr. Rabbit, and Jeremy was Alice...What would Gracie have been? 

I watched all the people with their kids and was increasingly bothered that I just have to accept that not all my family is there or ever will be.  Our family was a theme but not really.  By the time we got home I was drained and this continued to Halloween. 

On Halloween I was pretty numb until Wee Weber pre-school came trick-or-treating around the school and down the hall where my classroom was.  I jumped up to get them candy because that is my first instinct and then I felt the blood drain from my head and down my legs as the sea of Elsa's and Ana's congregated outside my classroom. What would Gracie have been?  Would she have been caught up in the Frozen craze?  Would that have influenced our family theme?  Would that have split the theme?  I felt the tears and walked back to my desk.  Usually the presence of my students halts emotional displays from me but not this time.  They could not only see but heard my cries as I was captive in the corner of my room watching the little people sing their Halloween Songs outside my door.  There was silence in my room other than my sniffles as they sang in the hall.  One of my students put her hand on my shoulder and patted me gently.  The kids left, I dried myself and class resumed.  What else could we do?  Could I do?  I never felt I had a choice. 

The Donor Oct. 22, 2014

I have't had as much anxiety as I've had just sadness the past week.  "I"ve been so sad since last Thursday.  I don't know if it's Fall Break without Gracie or just hitting a lull.  I never know or can anticipate the triggers.  It could also be I heard from the Donor Services and found out information about Gracie's recipients.  I wasn't sure I wanted to contact or know who has Gracie's kidneys.  I was hoping and just allowing myself to believe it was a deserving mother.  I knew they were combined and given to an adult rather than two other small children.  This shouldn't bother me but it does.  Anyway,we receive letters from the Donor Services about every 6 months with information regarding grief and their sorrow.  Our 18 month letters got mixed up in the mail and I received the letter for the parents of Lucas and they called the donor office after receiving mine.  The offices called me and after chatting with the director I found out Gracie's kidneys went to a man in California who is married with 3 adult children.  He is a maintenance worker and cook and spends free time in the yard and at the local Buddhist Temple.  I don't know that I would want to meet him but I feel there is a reason I came across the information this way.  I also found out Gracie's Heart Valves were requested by two separate surgeons in Arizona. Because Heart Valves are considered tissue, they have to contact me because that's the way tissue donation works.  Anyway, I'm sure this has added to my grief.  I also traded in my car and knowing that was a part of Gracie I was letting go of was also hard.  It's a car but it's also memories.  Out trip to California, camping in Bear Lake, Summers at Cherry Hill, etc. It was time but it makes me sad.

I'm getting used to the sad and pain but it wears me down and makes me not want to be around people.  I can tell I'm fighting depression because my energy and apathy towards just about everything.  I'm still functioning but I feel like it's a chore and I'm barely functioning and ready to snap at any moment.  I almost lost it today during class but I didn't.  By losing it I mean yelling at them for no reason or wanting to swear and cry and leave the room...but I don't.  I want to...but I don't.  I come home with nothing left to give and it starts over in the morning.  This morning I was sad but couldn't be because I had students in my room first thing.  So I became angry instead and that's how I was all day.  I don't want to go to bed because I'm afraid I will lay down and it will all hit...the emotion I've been forced to bottle all day and it will feel horrible and lonely laying in bed.  Jeremy is always so good to hold me and hold my hand until we fall asleep.  I love him so much.  At some point I need to find a way to feel better....be more me but how is that ever going to be possible when part of me is gone and never coming back?

Drug Seeking and Bad Dreams after 18 months

It's been 18 months this weekend.  Every General Conference marks the 6th month point.  Last Thursday I went to the doctor to see about medication for the depression and anxiety.  I just don't want to take something daily but I guess I've been taking Xanax about every other day.  The doctor seemed concerned about that and questioned my use for it.  It made me feel judged and like I was a "drug seeker".  As a result I had more anxiety over it but by Friday night I had come to terms with it.  Until he has to endure this trial, he has no idea.  I'm not a drug addict but even if I were, I have every right to be at this point.  Honestly, how does anyone cope with this?  Well, Saturday morning I woke from a horrible nightmare.  In my dream I was taken into a room and sat at a conference table.  There were men in suits (none of whom I recognized) there to critique me on my earthly performance.  I realized it was a pre-judgement day council and they were telling me they just weren't happy with my performance.  I was confused and slightly apathetic to their judgement until I realized they were critiquing with the intent of whether or not they would allow me to have Gracie.  Because my performance (or how I handled my trial on Earth) I was not going to be able to be with Gracie in the afterlife.  This had never occurred to me.  Living the rest of my life without Gracie was torture enough but the idea of NEVER seeing her again was absolute Hell.  Just then I heard her calling out to me and realized she was on the other side of the wall.  I tried to get up to go to her but her voice was fading as I knew they were taking her away.  I woke up sobbing.  It woke up Jeremy and he held me for the next couple hours as I cried.  It wasn't until later I could actually tell him about my dream.

As much as I didn't want to get up and do anything, we had a soccer game at 8:30 and football at 10:00.  I didn't want anything to add to my anxiety....Heaven forbid I take a Xanax....Asshole doctor was probably one of the suits at the judgement table in my dream.  But I pushed through the day.  Liv's team lost but she was proud of how she played and they played better than they did Monday against the same team.  Izsak's team won their first play-off game.  We just keep going all the while fighting back the tears. 

I need there to not be an expectation of my level of happiness.  It just needs to be enough that I'm up and dressed but it's not how life is.  It's not how society works and nobody is skilled nor comfortable with grief.  How can I possibly endure to the end of this trial?

Kinder Tears.

You and I had talked how this day would come
The bus with your siblings would be too much fun.

It was Kindergarten, it would be so great
But the Heavens opened, God couldn't wait.

So I find myself sitting with your backpack and shirt
Unable to shoulder the surmounting hurt.

I miss you my girl because in Heaven you'll stay
Learning from the angels, you'll be my teacher one day.

Aug. 19, 2014 From Anger To Breakdown.

I had my first ever anxiety attack at work yesterday.  I felt overwhelmed in faculty meeting and felt like I was having a hard time breathing.  I left and as I walked back to my classroom I felt my arms going numb.  By the time I got to my room I had a difficult time breathing or thinking.  I went to get my phone and my arms and hands were numb.  I was able to call Jeremy but don't remember doing so.  I tried to explain how I was feeling but my thoughts were jumbled and he couldn't understand what I was saying but he said he would come get me.  I laid on the floor behind/under my desk not wanting to move or do anything.  I wanted a blanket but couldn't get my body to move to get one.  I felt so afraid to continue another day...fear of failing in any other aspect of my life, fear of what the day would bring if I got up off that floor, fear of judgement if anyone saw how pathetic and out of control I had become.  Next thing I knew, Jeremy was there.  I was unaware of the time that had passed from calling him until he arrived and I'm not sure how he got in my classroom. Did I open the door or did someone unlock it for him? I honestly don't know. He convinced me to move when he said we would go to the doctor.  Dr. DeVries was my therapist and he could help me.  After driving to his office and being told he could't see me until tomorrow I fell into despair.  I felt helpless against the emotions overtaking my body and soul, so intense and out of control resulting in me wanting to jump out of my skin and the moving car.  Jeremy got me home and I just wanted to be wrapped tight.  He wrapped me in a blanket, gave me a couple Xanax and I fell asleep.  He went back to the school to talk with the Principal about what had happened.  I'm still not sure what exactly was said or how he got my car home and haven't asked.  I saw Dr. DeVries today.  He explained my "episode" as if on an African Safari.  The Zebra grazes until a perceived threat.  Once a threat is felt or spotted, fight or flight kicks in and the Zebra advances to crisis.  I am never grazing (or at baseline).  I'm constantly in fight or flight and quick to crisis due to PTSD.  Work will certainly be a trigger and hearing about the new employee evaluation process during faculty meeting was what triggered it.  It helps to hear I'm "normal".  I'm a normal crazy person with PTSD, depression, and anxiety....situational... which I guess should make me feel better.  I just don't know how long I can continue to function through the crazy. 

August 2014 --1 year and 4 months equals Anger

Jeremy went to his parents to visit his sister Tiffany who came into town.  He told them I was "fine".  First off, they didn't invite us over for their little birthday celebration last week.  Second, I'm not FINE.  I know there is nothing more anyone can do but acknowledge my life sucks because my daughter died...so F***ing acknowledge it and know that I'm not fine.  I'm sad, I'm angry, but thanks for asking....I'M NOT FINE!!! It's not rocket science.  Call or text like once a month or twice if you've got it in you.  Show me you are aware my life is shit while yours isn't.  That's all you can do for me...so DO IT!!

I'm angry when they (family members) don't give me an opportunity to talk about it but ask my kids or Jeremy instead...it's safer for them I guess. I think when I am feeling so sad it triggers anger when nobody calls because I want someone to help take this pain away or just distract me from it for a second .  It's a no win situation because they can't take it away.  However, I am less angry when they at least try.  I'm most angry when people are in a position of support and don't offer it consistently or cause me to doubt their care or concern for me.  I have expectations that my parents will call and when they don't, I'm hurt and hurt turns to anger.  I don't expect more communication than before Gracie died.  It's just hurtful that there's been so much less.  Jeremy says I can't have expectations of people.  I beg to differ.  If I tell them I need them to call or visit more, they need to call and visit more.  It sounds selfish and had my daughter not died I wouldn't feel this way but the worse thing that could happen to anyone has happened to us and if I need something to ease this burden for a second, then why can't they do it?  Why can't I ask for that?  Jeremy and I don't see eye to eye on this and that's so hard for me to not feel more supported by him.

I've had more suicide ideation lately and found a grief support group.  I'm not sure I will go back.  They were all car accidents and cancer...teens or older.  They felt the same loss, hurt, lack of support but not the same multi-devastating issues.  I didn't think I would go back but I'm looking forward to being able to talk and cry about Gracie without judgement. 

July 2014 Your Happy Is Too Loud

There was a quote from the movie We Bought A Zoo where the little girl says, "Their happy is too loud." It expresses so perfectly why I can't deal with people.  Their happy is just too loud.

Lately it's all the energy I have to walk from my room to the bathroom.  I am back to that place where I wake up in the morning and just don't want to do another day.  The difference is it's not as hard to convince myself to get up and typically I'm not crying.  When I wake up crying, that's a particularly hard day.  That's not every day and it's actually not even most days.  However, I still cry everyday but sometimes only once.

Izsak went for a sports physical Tuesday.  They found protein in his urine and wanted to repeat the next morning before he was active.  The rest of the day I was consumed with the thought of potential kidney disease and how we gave away Gracie's kidneys to a potentially undeserving useless adult.  Of course the re-screening Wednesday showed no protein.  When you're active it results in protein in the urine and Tuesday Izsak had just finished with golf lessons.  How ironic that the doctor chastised me about Izsak's weight.  He's in the 75th percentile in height and 86th in weight...hardly a fatty but I got the lecture about buying snacks and healthy lifestyle....WE ARE HERE FOR A SPORTS PHYSICAL FOR FOOTBALL ASSHOLE!!!  Izsak had protein in his urine because of golf you F***ing genius.  Once again I will lose out on the Mother of the Year Award.

I'm just unable to avoid emotional landmines lately.  Jeremy sent a picture of Vi sitting in the doggy chair at football.  I wasn't ready for that.  We hadn't talked about Gracie's chair but I assumed we were on the same page.  It's still Gracie's chair.  It's her favorite and it was HERS.  There are things I can convince myself she would've out grown or wouldn't care about but her doggy chair is not one of them.  I was VERY upset and more upset that Jeremy set that landmine.  I have issues, I'm crazy, but it is what it is and I just can't control it.

Gracie after finding her doggy chair in the store.  Just getting comfy!

July 2014 Splashing Without You

We went to Cherry Hill for the first time this Summer.  I sat and watched Vi at Pirate's Cove and cried watching what I assumed were 5 year old little girls splashing and playing.  I wondered if Gracie would be playing with Vi or if she would be the 3rd wheel with Liv and Izsak on the big slides this year.  It was hard to be there and think of how fun it was for me to be there with Gracie.  Vi is not at a fun age for relaxing at Cherry Hill but she was fun to watch splashing in the water.  She loves the water and is pretty fearless.  I don't completely remember Gracie at Pirate's Cove at Vi's age but I remember floating around the lazy River with her at nap time and even taking her on the big blue Dragon slide.  Oh I miss her so much my heart just hurts with longing and sadness.  It's still just so hard for me to accept.  There are moments I can think back to how I was before Gracie's death and cling to the strength of my faith and testimony of life after death but it's certainly a challenge since my reality has changed.  It was easy to have faith and strength when it really didn't matter.  Heaven would've been great and all but to be honest, Celestial Glory was a big leap for me.  Now, I have no choice if I want to be with Gracie.  I struggle every day with the painful thought that I won't get there and she really won't notice.  I'm missing her so much more than she's missing me.  If that weren't the case why haven't I felt her more or seen her in more than questionable signs.  I know it's a trial of my faith but I just don't understand why I can't have a conversation with her to give comfort and relief.  I pray earnestly for that and then feel guilty for "telling God" what to do.  God knows what's in my heart and I need to trust Him to know what I need in the time I need it.  It's just so hard.  Each day is so hard.

July 27, 2014 My LIFE Now...the Most Shitty Vacation EVER!!

Yesterday I got a text from The Room Loft (where I worked part-time until Gracie died) that the Petersen's were there and wanted to get a hold of me.  The Petersen's were in my Stake before it split and he was the Stake President.  They were called on a mission and just got back 3 weeks ago.  I became so excited and hopeful at the thought of reconnecting with them and then sadness consumed me.  I quickly realized...in my "crazy"....or "magical thinking"....I had thought for a second that reconnecting would mean I got to go back 2 years before they left, before Gracie died!!! I was soon overcome with sadness and couldn't stop crying.  I'm both really crazy and really sad.  Yep...Grief makes you both SUPER CRAZY and SUPER SAD.  It was the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday and Jeremy was home so I didn't attempt to completely conceal it.  I was doing the dishes and just let the tears flow.  He asked, "What's wrong?"  I tried to explain what I was experiencing  and he responded, "Hu." I feel he is less supportive of my grief lately and he doesn't show his.  It really does feel like it's not appropriate for me to grieve in front of anyone, even him.  I've never felt so alone. I want to go back to when life was perfect....Come to think of it, what is wrong with having a perfect life?  Are we really supposed to endure shit in this life to make it all worth it in the end?  Isn't that what we convince ourselves of when shit happens?  Is that really what we need to tell ourselves to keep the faith?  This life is really like taking a vacation.  We can't wait to go and then can't wait to get back home.  However, on vacation, if your car breaks down, your hotel sucks, people get sick, etc., you just regard it as a really shitty vacation.  Do we say those things made the vacation "WORTH IT"?  HELL NO!!!  When we have the perfect vacation (like our family trip with Gracie to Moab or Disneyland) we LOVE the memories and want to go back.  We regard it as the most wonderful time with our family.  There is nothing wrong with having the perfect vacation.  There was nothing wrong with me having my perfect life!!  There was no need for this to happen to me for me to appreciate this life.  There's no lesson learned from this completely shitty vacation on Earth.

 

June 2014 I year 2 months

Today has felt horrible.  I cried myself to sleep last night and completely unmotivated this morning, depressed, tired, etc. I've always looked forward to Summer and all year I've counted down the days until school is out...FOR WHAT?  WHY?  Gracie still isn't here.  Summer is not the same and I am just so sad.  I don't remember last Summer but I know I tied to do the same activities with the kids..plus I had the distraction and support of family and friends checking in on me which I don't have now.  I'm taking over Liv's soccer team and that adds a whole level of anxiety to my crazy.  I want all my kids here.  I want my Gracie back...I want the life I had before....I want the husband I had before....I want to be happy like I was before.  It's so unfair I have to settle for anything less.  It's exhausting, depressing, hopeless, meaningless.