July 27, 2014 My LIFE Now...the Most Shitty Vacation EVER!!

Yesterday I got a text from The Room Loft (where I worked part-time until Gracie died) that the Petersen's were there and wanted to get a hold of me.  The Petersen's were in my Stake before it split and he was the Stake President.  They were called on a mission and just got back 3 weeks ago.  I became so excited and hopeful at the thought of reconnecting with them and then sadness consumed me.  I quickly realized...in my "crazy"....or "magical thinking"....I had thought for a second that reconnecting would mean I got to go back 2 years before they left, before Gracie died!!! I was soon overcome with sadness and couldn't stop crying.  I'm both really crazy and really sad.  Yep...Grief makes you both SUPER CRAZY and SUPER SAD.  It was the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday and Jeremy was home so I didn't attempt to completely conceal it.  I was doing the dishes and just let the tears flow.  He asked, "What's wrong?"  I tried to explain what I was experiencing  and he responded, "Hu." I feel he is less supportive of my grief lately and he doesn't show his.  It really does feel like it's not appropriate for me to grieve in front of anyone, even him.  I've never felt so alone. I want to go back to when life was perfect....Come to think of it, what is wrong with having a perfect life?  Are we really supposed to endure shit in this life to make it all worth it in the end?  Isn't that what we convince ourselves of when shit happens?  Is that really what we need to tell ourselves to keep the faith?  This life is really like taking a vacation.  We can't wait to go and then can't wait to get back home.  However, on vacation, if your car breaks down, your hotel sucks, people get sick, etc., you just regard it as a really shitty vacation.  Do we say those things made the vacation "WORTH IT"?  HELL NO!!!  When we have the perfect vacation (like our family trip with Gracie to Moab or Disneyland) we LOVE the memories and want to go back.  We regard it as the most wonderful time with our family.  There is nothing wrong with having the perfect vacation.  There was nothing wrong with me having my perfect life!!  There was no need for this to happen to me for me to appreciate this life.  There's no lesson learned from this completely shitty vacation on Earth.