July 2014 Splashing Without You

We went to Cherry Hill for the first time this Summer.  I sat and watched Vi at Pirate's Cove and cried watching what I assumed were 5 year old little girls splashing and playing.  I wondered if Gracie would be playing with Vi or if she would be the 3rd wheel with Liv and Izsak on the big slides this year.  It was hard to be there and think of how fun it was for me to be there with Gracie.  Vi is not at a fun age for relaxing at Cherry Hill but she was fun to watch splashing in the water.  She loves the water and is pretty fearless.  I don't completely remember Gracie at Pirate's Cove at Vi's age but I remember floating around the lazy River with her at nap time and even taking her on the big blue Dragon slide.  Oh I miss her so much my heart just hurts with longing and sadness.  It's still just so hard for me to accept.  There are moments I can think back to how I was before Gracie's death and cling to the strength of my faith and testimony of life after death but it's certainly a challenge since my reality has changed.  It was easy to have faith and strength when it really didn't matter.  Heaven would've been great and all but to be honest, Celestial Glory was a big leap for me.  Now, I have no choice if I want to be with Gracie.  I struggle every day with the painful thought that I won't get there and she really won't notice.  I'm missing her so much more than she's missing me.  If that weren't the case why haven't I felt her more or seen her in more than questionable signs.  I know it's a trial of my faith but I just don't understand why I can't have a conversation with her to give comfort and relief.  I pray earnestly for that and then feel guilty for "telling God" what to do.  God knows what's in my heart and I need to trust Him to know what I need in the time I need it.  It's just so hard.  Each day is so hard.