It's been 18 months this weekend. Every General Conference marks the 6th month point. Last Thursday I went to the doctor to see about medication for the depression and anxiety. I just don't want to take something daily but I guess I've been taking Xanax about every other day. The doctor seemed concerned about that and questioned my use for it. It made me feel judged and like I was a "drug seeker". As a result I had more anxiety over it but by Friday night I had come to terms with it. Until he has to endure this trial, he has no idea. I'm not a drug addict but even if I were, I have every right to be at this point. Honestly, how does anyone cope with this? Well, Saturday morning I woke from a horrible nightmare. In my dream I was taken into a room and sat at a conference table. There were men in suits (none of whom I recognized) there to critique me on my earthly performance. I realized it was a pre-judgement day council and they were telling me they just weren't happy with my performance. I was confused and slightly apathetic to their judgement until I realized they were critiquing with the intent of whether or not they would allow me to have Gracie. Because my performance (or how I handled my trial on Earth) I was not going to be able to be with Gracie in the afterlife. This had never occurred to me. Living the rest of my life without Gracie was torture enough but the idea of NEVER seeing her again was absolute Hell. Just then I heard her calling out to me and realized she was on the other side of the wall. I tried to get up to go to her but her voice was fading as I knew they were taking her away. I woke up sobbing. It woke up Jeremy and he held me for the next couple hours as I cried. It wasn't until later I could actually tell him about my dream.
As much as I didn't want to get up and do anything, we had a soccer game at 8:30 and football at 10:00. I didn't want anything to add to my anxiety....Heaven forbid I take a Xanax....Asshole doctor was probably one of the suits at the judgement table in my dream. But I pushed through the day. Liv's team lost but she was proud of how she played and they played better than they did Monday against the same team. Izsak's team won their first play-off game. We just keep going all the while fighting back the tears.
I need there to not be an expectation of my level of happiness. It just needs to be enough that I'm up and dressed but it's not how life is. It's not how society works and nobody is skilled nor comfortable with grief. How can I possibly endure to the end of this trial?
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