The Donor Oct. 22, 2014

I have't had as much anxiety as I've had just sadness the past week.  "I"ve been so sad since last Thursday.  I don't know if it's Fall Break without Gracie or just hitting a lull.  I never know or can anticipate the triggers.  It could also be I heard from the Donor Services and found out information about Gracie's recipients.  I wasn't sure I wanted to contact or know who has Gracie's kidneys.  I was hoping and just allowing myself to believe it was a deserving mother.  I knew they were combined and given to an adult rather than two other small children.  This shouldn't bother me but it does.  Anyway,we receive letters from the Donor Services about every 6 months with information regarding grief and their sorrow.  Our 18 month letters got mixed up in the mail and I received the letter for the parents of Lucas and they called the donor office after receiving mine.  The offices called me and after chatting with the director I found out Gracie's kidneys went to a man in California who is married with 3 adult children.  He is a maintenance worker and cook and spends free time in the yard and at the local Buddhist Temple.  I don't know that I would want to meet him but I feel there is a reason I came across the information this way.  I also found out Gracie's Heart Valves were requested by two separate surgeons in Arizona. Because Heart Valves are considered tissue, they have to contact me because that's the way tissue donation works.  Anyway, I'm sure this has added to my grief.  I also traded in my car and knowing that was a part of Gracie I was letting go of was also hard.  It's a car but it's also memories.  Out trip to California, camping in Bear Lake, Summers at Cherry Hill, etc. It was time but it makes me sad.

I'm getting used to the sad and pain but it wears me down and makes me not want to be around people.  I can tell I'm fighting depression because my energy and apathy towards just about everything.  I'm still functioning but I feel like it's a chore and I'm barely functioning and ready to snap at any moment.  I almost lost it today during class but I didn't.  By losing it I mean yelling at them for no reason or wanting to swear and cry and leave the room...but I don't.  I want to...but I don't.  I come home with nothing left to give and it starts over in the morning.  This morning I was sad but couldn't be because I had students in my room first thing.  So I became angry instead and that's how I was all day.  I don't want to go to bed because I'm afraid I will lay down and it will all hit...the emotion I've been forced to bottle all day and it will feel horrible and lonely laying in bed.  Jeremy is always so good to hold me and hold my hand until we fall asleep.  I love him so much.  At some point I need to find a way to feel better....be more me but how is that ever going to be possible when part of me is gone and never coming back?