During the day I was talking with the head secretary at school. A conversation came up about funerals and I made the comment, "at my daughter's funeral" and one of the V.P.s stopped and said, "wait, your daughter died?" I figured everyone knew. As hard as it was I gave a short explanation and moved on in an effort to not break down or cause him discomfort. I later felt guilty at not fully explaining the circumstances behind Gracie's accident or showing him a picture or even crying when I really wanted to convey how much I love and miss her...but I moved on.
That night I was hoping beyond anything I would have a dream or comfort or would at least visit with her...it was my birthday after all. The only dream I remember was being in a prison and not being allowed to get out to see Gracie because I was a lieutenant and kept standing up with they called for Officers so I had to stay for punishment and missed her. I woke up crying, I was sad all day. It didn't help that only 4 people texted me "Happy Birthday" which are the same friends who would have before FB so it doesn't matter I closed my account. I don't need 120 people on FB sending Happy Birthday when they don't genuinely give a shit about me. We weren't friends before and the sick bastards only friended me to hear the drama of my grieving heart with no skills or desire to ease my suffering. I went to bed Saturday to comfort me. I want to see my Gracie and feel of her love for me. My prayers went unanswered which indicated to me they are not heard for reasons I'm just assuming must be the case. I'm not faithful enough, worthy, Christlike, deserving, favored, or thought of...but worst of all.....missed.
I don't have close friends, I never have. I'm tired of these horrible, hurtful feelings of worthlessness. Day after day I get no feelings of comfort, love or peace from my Gracie or my Heavenly Father. If it's me being stubborn, too damn bad at this point. I don't know what more I can do to play this game of spiritual roulette. I fulfill my callings (all I've been given) to the fullest. I shouldn't feel like it's that I'm not good enough. It shouldn't matter. I'm alone and I can't continue to do this on my own.
Good point of the day: Jennifer Warren told me she saw Dr. Ann Miller Friday and she asked about me. I miss her and I want to talk with her and have her help me feel like less of a failure professionally.
Sunday, August 4, 2019
Jan. 4, 2015 21 months....Alone
It's almost 2 years since Gracie's accident and I'm feeling so alone. I realize I have isolated myself because I didn't have a lot of close friends before and I haven't trusted the ones to maintain since. I have to consciously think about all that people have done for me the past week or over the holiday. People have done quite a bit considering it's been 21 months and my relationships with them prior. The problem is, I'm an emotional vampire. It doesn't matter what people do, it's not enough because it doesn't take the pain or hurt away. The Church preaches, "Bear one another's burdens" but that once beautifully encouraging, uplifting saying is kind of bullshit. It really messes with my psyche and has for the past 21 months. I expect others to be able to make me feel better and bear this burden or help me but this is a situation where they just can't. It's frustrating for them, it's hurtfully disappointing to me. I still have a small intimate support group and I'm bracing for when they will move on as well. I just need to be appreciative of what they are doing for me now.
I recognize I'm trying to control when people can be allowed access to my grief...like I did with Camille. I've still trying to process why that is such a big deal. Take Facebook. I would share but people could ignore and that was hurtful. That was making me feel they were controlling my grief in a way...or I was allowing their responses and lack of to dictate if it was ok for me to be feeling the way I feel. I feel the way I feel because my Gracie is gone. I lost my child in the most horrible way, at the most precious age, at a very tender time in my life. It's a lot to take in when I take myself out of it and think of this happening to someone else. But this happened to me...it is happening to me. I just can't allow anyone or anything to make me feel worse and I can't help them feel better about it. I do the awkward dance with people at church. It is awkward, I know they feel awkward and uncomfortable trying to talk with me. Well, I guess don't talk to me because I can't help you feel better about. Thus, I feel VERY alone.
I recognize I'm trying to control when people can be allowed access to my grief...like I did with Camille. I've still trying to process why that is such a big deal. Take Facebook. I would share but people could ignore and that was hurtful. That was making me feel they were controlling my grief in a way...or I was allowing their responses and lack of to dictate if it was ok for me to be feeling the way I feel. I feel the way I feel because my Gracie is gone. I lost my child in the most horrible way, at the most precious age, at a very tender time in my life. It's a lot to take in when I take myself out of it and think of this happening to someone else. But this happened to me...it is happening to me. I just can't allow anyone or anything to make me feel worse and I can't help them feel better about it. I do the awkward dance with people at church. It is awkward, I know they feel awkward and uncomfortable trying to talk with me. Well, I guess don't talk to me because I can't help you feel better about. Thus, I feel VERY alone.
Jan. 2, 2015 New Year...and Anniversary
Today is mine and Jeremy's anniversary. It's been 16 years since we were married. I love him so much and just absolutely could not imagine being married to anyone else.
I started a blog and I've got April 4-9 Done. It was so hard to relive those emotions and experiences but I'm glad I'm changing the medium for my grief and sharing my grief. It's private for now but it's helped me reflect on my feelings and emotions. I can't believe what the natural reactions the human psyche goes through in a tragedy. I feared blame and ridicule to the point of being on my best behavior to avoid more criticism by others at the funeral. Of course they wouldn't be critical of us but I always figured it was a matter of time.
I has been helpful and gave me a little comfort to know I'm documenting this in a blog but it caused restless nights following. I'm not sure where it will go but for now I will continue. One thing I realized as I prepare to blog about the funeral is the reason behind our behavior. I think when I'm in an unfamiliar situation I try to make a connection to a similar event. In this case it would be my wedding. Dressed up and on our best behavior greeting and meeting people I didn't know, knew, didn't know well, hadn't seen in a long time. We had to be on our best behavior because I needed everyone else to feel this was all ok...otherwise they would blame us, be mad at us because we didn't do our jobs as parents. I told everyone Jeremy did Gracie's nails. I did the video, display tables all to prove to these critics that we were good parents. We look back now and for 6 days of preparing for this ridiculous performance I wish I had just been able to be in a private room with Gracie and Jeremy and hold her and cry. My last moments with Gracie were spent being more concerned about the damn doctor's schedules and the mental state of my suffering husband that I didn't take the time I needed. I spent the next days planning the funeral and caring for my family. I didn't get to truly mourn. Is it better the way I did it? I don't know if that would help my guilt now. A topic to discuss in therapy.
There are still days I'm so incredibly sad but I've learned that I can put my grief in a box and visit it when I need to. Before, I just didn't have that control at all but now I'm getting it. I think it's a good thing and maybe it's better I continue on with life (as hard as it was) after Gracie died because my kids have suffered enough. I can now think of Gracie at times without going to that place of total pain and anguish unless I allow myself to. Sometimes I am afraid to allow myself to visit there but I do because it's how I stay close to her, to those final memories of her and honestly, it's all I have left of her....I need to feel it.
I started a blog and I've got April 4-9 Done. It was so hard to relive those emotions and experiences but I'm glad I'm changing the medium for my grief and sharing my grief. It's private for now but it's helped me reflect on my feelings and emotions. I can't believe what the natural reactions the human psyche goes through in a tragedy. I feared blame and ridicule to the point of being on my best behavior to avoid more criticism by others at the funeral. Of course they wouldn't be critical of us but I always figured it was a matter of time.
I has been helpful and gave me a little comfort to know I'm documenting this in a blog but it caused restless nights following. I'm not sure where it will go but for now I will continue. One thing I realized as I prepare to blog about the funeral is the reason behind our behavior. I think when I'm in an unfamiliar situation I try to make a connection to a similar event. In this case it would be my wedding. Dressed up and on our best behavior greeting and meeting people I didn't know, knew, didn't know well, hadn't seen in a long time. We had to be on our best behavior because I needed everyone else to feel this was all ok...otherwise they would blame us, be mad at us because we didn't do our jobs as parents. I told everyone Jeremy did Gracie's nails. I did the video, display tables all to prove to these critics that we were good parents. We look back now and for 6 days of preparing for this ridiculous performance I wish I had just been able to be in a private room with Gracie and Jeremy and hold her and cry. My last moments with Gracie were spent being more concerned about the damn doctor's schedules and the mental state of my suffering husband that I didn't take the time I needed. I spent the next days planning the funeral and caring for my family. I didn't get to truly mourn. Is it better the way I did it? I don't know if that would help my guilt now. A topic to discuss in therapy.
There are still days I'm so incredibly sad but I've learned that I can put my grief in a box and visit it when I need to. Before, I just didn't have that control at all but now I'm getting it. I think it's a good thing and maybe it's better I continue on with life (as hard as it was) after Gracie died because my kids have suffered enough. I can now think of Gracie at times without going to that place of total pain and anguish unless I allow myself to. Sometimes I am afraid to allow myself to visit there but I do because it's how I stay close to her, to those final memories of her and honestly, it's all I have left of her....I need to feel it.
Dec. 27, 2015 Another Christmas....Holidays are Hard.
We made it through Christmas. I cried off and on Christmas Eve and Christmas day the same as I still do everyday but it was just a little more painful with the memories. We did the Gracie ornaments with the Beckers and that was really nice. George and Mary got us a nice quote about angels with Gracie's picture. Someone made a comment about us having a "Shrine" for Gracie. I ignored and moved on. David's family had an ornament made with the picture of Christ holding Gracie. They said it was because Christmas is about Christ. Did they think I was making Christmas about Gracie because I wanted to do the ornaments? They don't have to do it. I can just do it with my family. I know Christmas is about Christ...I've kind of known that my whole life but I still miss Gracie and quite frankly I'm a little upset He gets to spend His birthday with her and I don't. Ryan's family named a star after Gracie which was very thoughtful. Over all it was a good night. I just decided to approach the night as if I were going to a work party. I don't have expectations of my co-workers in regards to my comfort from grief and I just need to do the same with the Becker family. It worked.
I deactivated my Facebook account. I realize in posting to "friends" I'm expecting them (someone) to take this pain away or fix it somehow. They can't and when they can't or don't try I get upset. It's a no win situation. If they don't know and don't know to try to fix it I can't get upset. It doesn't make sense but neither does losing a child.
I came to understand why holidays are so hard. It's the specific memories, not just the holidays themselves. If I think about the fact that I have a child that passed away, I feel a horrible sadness. But when I think about the fact that Gracie passed away...it's an unbearable pain. It wasn't just a child...which would be horrible enough...it was Gracie. I can't stand that it was my Gracie. Still so sad each day but still getting more used to it as well.
I deactivated my Facebook account. I realize in posting to "friends" I'm expecting them (someone) to take this pain away or fix it somehow. They can't and when they can't or don't try I get upset. It's a no win situation. If they don't know and don't know to try to fix it I can't get upset. It doesn't make sense but neither does losing a child.
I came to understand why holidays are so hard. It's the specific memories, not just the holidays themselves. If I think about the fact that I have a child that passed away, I feel a horrible sadness. But when I think about the fact that Gracie passed away...it's an unbearable pain. It wasn't just a child...which would be horrible enough...it was Gracie. I can't stand that it was my Gracie. Still so sad each day but still getting more used to it as well.
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Dec. 16, 2014...Uncontrollably Broken
Tonight we went to the ward Christmas party. Izsak was the Inn Keeper so I felt I had to go when everything in me told me to stay home. I'm just wearing down. I was so sad visiting Gracie last night. The pain is so fresh...so raw, as if it were just yesterday minus the shock. I cried on the way into work this morning, pleading with God he hear my prayer and help me feel comfort. I received a message from Barbera Wayment, "Just had a feeling to let you know how amazing I think you are." Received another text from Kari, "I want to bring you lunch this week." I know the Lord and Gracie are working through others because I'm stubborn and won't allow myself to believe/accept I feel anything but tonight I nearly reached my breaking point. I say nearly because I'm at home and not in a behavior unit. I struggled watching Gracie's "would be friends" Ethan and Paige color and talk about Santa at the table. It was torture. I watched the performance of the nativity and fully enjoyed Izsak with Vi on my lap. All was well when the Nativity ended until the kids all started singing, "Here comes Santa Clause." I tried to tell myself it didn't matter Gracie never had her picture on Santa's lap. I thought last year we could do it "next year" but we can't, because she died 3 months later. I heard all the kids, saw the excitement of the parents to take pictures, video, etc., rush to place their cheering kids in line and the tears flowed freely. I had to leave. I waited in the car with Vi for Jeremy to clean up. He and I didn't speak to each other the rest of the night. What can be said to the one who gives into sadness from from the one who desperately wants to but can't because they have to pick up the pieces and keep everything moving. I feel like we are being punished. Karma, bad things happen to bad people, trials make you stronger, things George said about this being "good for you and Jeremy" because Jeremy was always on the fence when it came to the church. News flash asshole, you put him there.
I have to keep living for my other 3 beautiful children but I don't want to. They don't deserve to have any other tragedy and for them I have to remain and endure to the end. This life sucks. I want a "do-over". I want Gracie back. I really don't like the person I am or am becoming but I can't fix what is so uncontrollably broken.
Gracie was too nervous to sit on Santa's lap at Trolley Square Mall but I took her picture anyway and thought, "We can get a picture with Santa next year."
Dec. 2014...The Nutcracker
Valerie wanted to take Mary to see the Nutcracker and asked if any of the girls wanted to go. I thought it would be nice to take Liv. I was so apprehensive about going. I would've taken Gracie and she would've loved it this year. We all went. While there, Angie turned and explained how sorry she was the Becker family didn't financially support or contribute when Gracie died. They were all holding back on George's orders to see what we would need or rather, what we would ask for. Well, almost 2 years later I wouldn't ever and won't ever ask them for a damn cent. In tragic situations, don't you just give what you can in show of support? So to not give a cent and wait to be asked, what does that communicate? It doesn't matter the Becker's didn't contribute money to ease the financial burden, it matters that I don't feel their support at all. I guess Angie had to have said something to the rest and they are now reaching out due to now feeling financially obligated. Here's the deal, it's about 18 months too late. Our debt is ours and I don't want their money out of obligation now. It feels like a check mark on their list but it will do nothing for me other than make me feel embarrassed and horrible and I don't need them causing me to feel worse. When I tried to explain to Valerie, she made some comment about changing "life style" to afford things when they come up. Our finances have nothing to do with our lifestyle. Do people really put $30,000 in the bank anticipating medical and funeral expenses for their children? She has never had a hard day in her life. She is prime example of self-righteous. I called her back the next day and told her I didn't appreciate that comment. Chalk another tally on the crazy board for me. One more justification for them to stay away. It continues to bother me.
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