Jan. 30, 2014 Journal Entry: Unrealistic Expectations

So I went to therapy and I'm officially depressed which is very normal on the scale of grief.  I decided I have to get rid of anything or anyone who make me feel worse or at least confront it to protect what little stability I have left.  In doing this I've draw the line in the sand with a certain "friend".  I just can't have her comparing her trials or voids in her life (which she calls grief) with mine.  It's a void, not a loss and she just can't compare or pretend to relate.  It just makes me crazy when she tries.  I told her it was offensive.  She got defensive but ultimately it's for the best.  I just have to rid my heart of anger so I can feel the spirit.  I went to bed Wednesday night and had a feeling and thought, "Unrealistic expectations." Either I have unrealistic expectations of others or myself or both?  Either way, I need to be more realistic with my expectations and rid myself of the pressure from those who have unrealistic expectations of me.  The following day I got the most amazing email from Aaron.  He totally felt my same emotions one night in the middle of the nights and couldn't sleep, couldn't function at work.  He had to write me about it before he could focus--Sound Familiar?  It was very validating with the main message being, "Just do your best."  Around that same time, Rob drove all the way up just to drop off a case of Diet Coke with a message "Keep Positive."  It's so much more than a Diet Coke (or 12).  He drove up, he was thinking of me, so aware, he took a few hours out of his day to do that.  I started thinking of brothers and the love I felt for them because of their love, care and concern for me.  I then thought of my Older Brother.  I thought of my Savior and his obvious care and concern for me.  Jody had also sent a care package after our last text conversation.  She said she felt Gracie was guiding her to act.  She knows I've had a hard time feeling Gracie and wanted me to know Gracie is here.  She commented this on FB and my friend Julie saw.  Julie then shared her experience with feeling her husband's spirit.  She said he was constantly with her so she couldn't feel it as much because she was used to it.  Yet others didn't have it constantly so they could feel the prompt more profoundly when they did.  It wasn't until 2 years later when his spirit would begin to withdraw a bit she would notice.  Now, the feeling is more obvious.  This makes sense.  Gracie was always with me.  She will always be with me now I would think, hope, want.  I'm just having a hard time recognizing because she's always here.  It's amazing how comfort is sent....I continue to be amazed.

Jan. 28, 2014 Facebook Post

January 28, 2014 FB Post:  A friend encouraged me yesterday to continue to post even though I've had reservations and have talked myself out of it for a couple weeks. "Nobody really cares anymore or will understand regardless." I realize this is the evil side of grief talking because I would care and want to know (even if I couldn't completely comprehend) if my friend or family member were going through this. How are they feeling at this point? What do they need? Do I talk with them about the weather? I won't attempt to give answers in a single FB post but there are things that I do want my FB support team to know so when you see me you don't talk with me about the weather:) I want you to know I no longer wear makeup because it smears or washes away with my tears by the time I arrive to school every morning....even if it's waterproof. If I reapply at lunch it's off during my planning period following lunch when I'm alone in my classroom. I can't get eyeliner tattooed on because I would have to go 3 days without crying and I haven't gone 1 day yet since Gracie's accident. I want you to know empathy doesn't require you having a similar or even related experience. It's pointless to try and share a related experience (unless I specifically ask you about it) because I would just view you as trying to "one-up" me and not see it as showing empathy at all. Saying "I'm so sorry...I'm thinking of you..." or giving me a hug or a diet coke or simply pressing "like" lets me know you care about me and what I'm continuing to endure. I feel no different in my ability to cope most days than I did the weeks following the funeral yet the expectation others have of me is to do normal things because they are back to normal. The difference for me is I've learned the art of distraction and I've learned it's pointless to wear makeup.

Jan. 27, 2014 Journal Entry Green or Red?

I woke up this morning not sure how I would make it, angry I even had to attempt getting out of bed for meetings, teaching, training, soccer, life.  All I want is to pull the covers up and pretend this nightmare isn't my life.  I walked into school as the last tears fell a long with the last of any make-up.  I had a training at 12:00 and walked into a room full of people who all sent sympathy cards when Gracie passed away and would've gone out of their way to give me a hug even if the meeting had started (which it hadn't) had it been 7 months ago.  But they've all moved on.  The problem is, I needed a hug.  I needed them to behave the way they did 7 months ago because I feel the same as I did 7 months ago and possibly worse because the months are going by and I'm not wanting to be further from Gracie's memory, from her last birthday, Christmas, Easter, nothing.  I want it all close, fresh.  It's not close and fresh for them anymore and that panics me.  It's not their fault, today I needed a hug but maybe I won't tomorrow, who knows? The problem is, nobody knows...not even me.  Maybe I should wear a sign-Green means I'm good, go about your day, even take a vacation.  Yellow-Be aware and observant, don't do anything too normal or fun.  Red-pretend it's the day of the funeral.  Seems so ridiculous when I think rationally but I'm not rational.  I'm grieving.  Tender mercies, flowers at school for me, flowers at Gracie's grave left last night, text from Jody tonight asking how I am, phone call from mom and Tami, texts from Nathalie, dinner from Kassy.  Angels are still aware of me.  It seems like nothing for a week or two and all this just when I really needed it from the Jensen family and friends.

Jan. 26, 2014 Journal Entry: Will I see you again?

I'm afraid I'm never going to see Gracie again.  I'm not a nice person and I can't seem to rid my heart of anger and mistrust.  I'm not feeling the Spirit like I was when Gracie first passed away and the year is coming fast.  I'm so sad when I look at pictures and realize it's almost the end.  It's devastating and I don't want to continue another day.  it's the worst pain, suffering, there just aren't words.  I had Jeremy give me a blessing.  His words began as his but I noticed a change shortly in and he was speaking with the spirit.  He told of Heavenly Father's love for me, Gracie is with us, and I need to be a pillar of strength for my children.  It brought comfort but I am still so sad.  Olivia talked about how she anticipated and looked forward to going to school for 1 year with Gracie next year.  Liv will be in 6th and Gracie would've been in Kindergarten.  It made me so sad.  I thought of her Appleseed Friends and all we've missed this year.  The Pizza Man Field Trip was the beginning of February and I know she just loved "Pizza Planet".  I don't know why tonight hurts so bad.  It's one of the worst nights yet.  Pain is most certainly at a 10 tonight.  Oh, I just can't bear this.  I'm trying to have faith.  I'm trying so hard.  The grief is all consuming.

 

January 2014 Empathy Vs. One-upping

There must be a very fine line between empathy and "one-upping".  Apparently very fine because there are a hell of a lot of people who can't see it.  If you think about it, it takes self-esteem, self-worth, security in self, abilities, strength to show empathy.  If not, you're trying to gain empathy by "one-upping" it makes me actually feel sorry for them--EMPATHY?  That's better than anger.  I was expecting others to make me feel better about this, comfort me, support, etc. and they're not, they can't because they seem to be wanting the same from me.  There really is only one who wants nothing more than to see me happy, to succeed in this life, wants nothing else, My Savior.  I'm finally starting to accept this.  When you call or come by once a week or when you think about it, that's seeking comfort for yourself, peace of mind.  If you really sought to comfort me, you'd be here everyday.  He is.
Women are "one-uppers" just sit in a room with a few of them and start talking about labor and delivery.  you actually won't get far before getting cut off by one of them having to cut in about their experience and pretty soon all women are cutting each other off, sharing their horror or honor (whatever the case may be) each trying to "one-up" the story before.  I know because I'm probably the most guilty of this.  We tell ourselves, "We are connecting with each other" but if we were honest, we are one upping.  If we were connecting or empathizing we would let our fellow sister share and not be thinking when to jump in and out do her 24 hours of straight pushing or better yet, "I didn't push at all" and wait to be asked about ours.  The problem is, we would probably never be asked.  When I start sharing my experience I am inadvertently saying, "My experience is more important than yours." Or possibly, "I want you to care about mine."  These communications or interactions seem harmless and really are until you are talking with a grieving mother.  When people share their experience in an effort to connect, I'm internalizing it as, "They want me to care about their experience." I then think they don't care about mine.  I think, "They need me to make them feel better about their situation." Instead of feeling supported, I feel overwhelmed and guilty.  I leave feeling worse but they might feel better.  Not all encounters are like this.  Those women who sit, and listen, and even though they have issues and trials of their own, they will genuinely "wait to be asked" knowing and being ok that I won't because I can't.  When a woman tells me she thought of me when her dog almost died or son left on a mission, she's taking that pain and trying to compare or "one-up".  Of course she can't and she must know this but yet they still feel so compelled to share it will me so that i can make her feel better about it.  If she were really trying to connect, she would realize "I can't" and simply listen or say "I was thinking of you the other day..." the end.  Don't tell me about your damn dog and certainly don't compare that situation to mine!  Holy shit! When you say, "When my so-and-so died..." I start thinking I have to care about your so-and-so and right now I really don't which is why I didn't call you to ask about them.  Instead, just say, "What can I do for you?" "What can I do to ease your pain in anyway." if you can't do that because of time, etc. just simply say, "I love you and I'm so sorry you are going through this." and drop off a Diet Coke.

Jan. 19, 2014 Journal Entry Facebook is Pointless

I've come to realize posting my thoughts on Facebook is really pointless.  If I'm wanting people to understand what I'm going through, they won't.  If I'm wanting support, it's not the kind I need.  I have no clue who is reading it unless they respond--which few do, or "Like" which is becoming fewer and fewer.  I realize when I post something positive, I get more "support" but when something leans more on the side of "raw" it's less.  I don't want that to influence what I write because my feelings are real, my grief is real, and they are mine.  My "Friends" on facebook were making it about them.  Clinging to every horrific detail in the beginning when "they" were so devastated.  Sending encouragement, calling, coming to the door because "they" were wanting comfort.  But now, "they" are moving on and now choosing what they read, what they like, what they ignore.  It's not and never was about support the grieving mother at all.  So I decided to start a blog.  It will be private until I finish writing up to Gracie's story.  I remembered I started a blog years ago but didn't get further than that.  I was able to find it last night and it actually had one pending post from Oct. 2008.  It was a post announcing we were expecting a baby in May.  It affirmed to me, I need to Blog our story to share one day, to keep a record, who knows really.  But I'm going to start.

Jan. 16, 2014 Journal Entry-Opportunists Make Me Angry

"People move on". That is life and 9 months ago I couldn't believe it based on the devastation I felt and those around me showed.  6 months ago I feared it because I could sense others returning to "Normal" life.  It didn't bother me except those who I felt should still be just as devastated.  Those who pushed their way in (intruders) to the hospital.  Now 9 months, I'm angry at them.  I'm every bit as devastated today and they are almost silent.  Of course they can't be preoccupied with me and my grief all day long-the rational me knows this.  The emotional, grieving me is angry at those people.  You have a piece of me that I didn't allow you to have, a piece of Gracie, and you shouldn't.  You aren't a true friend/support.  You are an opportunist, a one-upper because you think your little problems are bigger than my grief.  Bigger or more devastating than watching my Gracie pass away in our arms.  More devastating than watching her dad carry her lifeless body through the corridor of the hospital and into the arms of the O.R. nurse to donate what organs were still viable to donate to someone, people, I pray everyday were worthy of her/our sacrifice.  More devastating than the re-occurring nightmares and endless tears, panic attacks and knowing I have to live the rest of this life without my Gracie. I am angry.  But, I will be gracious or at least try to be in dealing with these people in the future and be "OK" as they slowly fade out of my life.

Jan. 13, 2014 Journal Entry-Better Person

Jan. 13, 2014 Journal Entry: At church on Sunday Brother Welch sincerely asked, "So how are you," instead of the casual "How are you" you would ask to those who hadn't lost a child.  I told him we were holding up or hanging in there or maybe I said, "ok." People interpret "ok" as "good".  It's not "Good".  It really means, "Do you really want me to tell you how shitty this feels?"  Anyway, he told me his uncle passed at 84.  My response, "Lucky"..would've said "Lucky Bastard" but we were in church.  He told me he had lost a 4 year old boy.  I thought how horrible he had to live all that time with the pain and grief in his heart.  It was overwhelming to think I need to do this even another week *which is why Monday's are so hard) let alone 50 or 60 more YEARS!!!  He then told me about his cousin who died 3 weeks after finding out he had cancer.  Again, "Lucky Bastard!" He visited his son the night he died and told him, "They have been waiting for me.  I'm very busy."  Basically, don't bother me.  I'm where I need to be.  He was temple President I think so he had knowledge, experience, etc. that was needed.  Why can't I have that?  Jeremy said he has nigh-mares that he's looking Gracie and finds her hanging somewhere.  Last time it was the deck.  He said I was with him and we got her down and were able to revive her.  So many things continue to haunt us about that day, "if only, why didn't I..."  I have to hold to "If she were meant to live, she would have." But I think it would be so comforting if we had the experience of having Gracie come to us..really come, no doubt, no question.  

Lately I've come across blogs of grieving mothers.  Once recently had a list of 10 things NOT to say to a grieving parent.  I LOVE IT.  She (Samantha) could be me.  In fact, she was 37, has 4 kids.  Her daughter died at 12 weeks but would've been 4 I think.  Anyway, the list was..
1.  4 years on I get up every day with the exact same sadness I had the day of.
2.  Please don't tell me that all you want is for me to be happy again.
3.  I want the old Rebecca back
4.  If you chose to acknowledge my daughter's birthday or anniversary of her death on the 1st year, it's gut wrenching when you didn't bother on the 2nd or 3rd.
5.  Stop with continual comments about how lucky I am to have my other children.
6.  It's not healthy to cry in front of the kids.
7.  I have 4 children, not 3.
8.  I still want to hide away
9.  I did notice--You found this too hard
10.  Grieving lasts my lifetime
I would add
11.  Don't attempt to one-up me with your problem
12.  Don't tell me how hard this is on you or anyone else but me
13.  You expect me to yell you what I need...How the hell am I supposed to know!!
I don't trust friendships.  I've been abandoned by Laura and Camille and now believe my ability to maintain friends is non-existent.  I didn't have many close friends before Gracie died and virtually no family support so everything now is an improvement but I do wonder if inviting me for "girls night" is genuine.  I need to keep the Spirit with me and I want my heart to be as full of love for everyone as it was following Gracie's death.  I've been through the refiner's fire and I need to emerge better.  I prayed to be the person to match my spirit.  Gracie's death may have been meant to do that but that hurts in thinking it was a punishment for me or that my behavior could've changed or altered that some how.  If I had just been a better person.  

Jan. 2014 My Little Missionary

January 8, 2014 FB Post:  My students talk a lot about LDS missions as many are approaching 18. Since Christmas, I’ve thought about how missionaries get to call home and the day tends to revolve around that call. I thought of how much families look forward to the call as well as weekly letters. Every Monday morning Vi’s sitter enthusiastically awaits the emails from her 2 missionary sons. I was feeling sorry for myself and the cruelty of our situation. Gracie has been called to serve her mission and is serving in the ultimate area and (I have no doubt) converting hundreds to the gospel but I don’t get phone calls, letters or pictures. Jeremy expressed he was having similar struggles and even worse. As I drove to work this morning through snow and tears this thought hit me, “You don’t need letters to know Gracie is happy and safe.” As angry as this thought/prompting made me (and would’ve resulted in “unfriending” had it been on FB) it also brought comfort. I need to think better of my reality if I can. I can be every bit as proud of my angel missionary as any missionary Mom. It’s hard that Gracie’s mission will last my lifetime but I will be reunited with her when I am called to serve in her same mission.                       

January 2014 Birthday Journal Entry

Jan. 11, 2014 Journal Entry:  I knew my birthday was not something I wanted to celebrate this year and I couldn't pinpoint why.  About 10 years ago I went to little Tammy's funeral and a comment was made, "A parent should not out-live their child." I thought the comment odd at the time and not at all helpful yet that's all I could think of last week.  My birthday symbolized that and it made me feel angry, guilty, embarrassed.  The evening of Jan. 7th i was reading a book about the spirit world and felt my heart soften.  I was glad for that because I've missed that feeling in my heart I had after Gracie passed away.  I want the love and peace I felt back.  I had thoughts about her being a missionary in the spirit world and although I don't get letters or pictures, I know she is a chosen spirit.  I am proud of my little missionary.  I started thinking differently of my birthday and thought maybe Gracie would be more aware of me and I might feel her more closely on Jan. 10. I still did things to safeguard myself.  I took it off facebook so I wouldn't get random comments and blocked posts to my site.  There was a slight issue with Camille when I shared my birthday concern at a mutual event with other leaders but I'm working through that.  Anyway, the day ended up being comforting...I was sad but had comfort.  Mom, Dad, and Tami came up and met us for dinner at Olive Garden in Layton.  Mom gave me a card and made my favorite cake.  I didn't have them sing, "Happy Birthday." I took the cake mom made home.  Today I read the card.  Mom said she couldn't get the cake out of the pan.  She thought she would just have to leave it and frost it in the pan.  She heard a little voice say, "Heat up the pan.  I want the cake to be perfect for my mom."  She heated the pan and the cake came out.  Never had she ever done this.  This touched me to know Gracie was present.  For some reason, cakes are a big deal to me and mom's chocolate cake with white mountain frosting is my favorite. I cried coming home from dinner because Gracie just isn't here regardless of how my heart might feel. 
So the issue with Camille (the eye rolls) is not going to be an issue anymore.  I've been working through it in therapy. Prior to Gracie's accident we had cut ties.  She came to the hospital and was such a help the following weeks.  I interpreted it as a renewal of friendship and have since been hurt or disappointed.  I've realized, it wasn't a renewal, it was closure.  I've been through the refiner's fire and I need to continue on the path to make me the person my spirit longed for me to be. 

January 1, 2014 It's a New Year

January 1, 2014 FB Post:  What a difference a year makes. I was trying to remember what we were doing last New Years Eve and it just hit me...skiing. It was Gracie's first and only time. With her dad never more than a step behind, I sat my pregnant self in the lodge ready to warm frozen fingers, wipe noses, and fill the hot chocolate. I posted these pics last year as such a proud and boastful mother. I post them now, still so very proud, but with such grief and sadness. What a difference a year makes.