Jan. 13, 2014 Journal Entry-Better Person

Jan. 13, 2014 Journal Entry: At church on Sunday Brother Welch sincerely asked, "So how are you," instead of the casual "How are you" you would ask to those who hadn't lost a child.  I told him we were holding up or hanging in there or maybe I said, "ok." People interpret "ok" as "good".  It's not "Good".  It really means, "Do you really want me to tell you how shitty this feels?"  Anyway, he told me his uncle passed at 84.  My response, "Lucky"..would've said "Lucky Bastard" but we were in church.  He told me he had lost a 4 year old boy.  I thought how horrible he had to live all that time with the pain and grief in his heart.  It was overwhelming to think I need to do this even another week *which is why Monday's are so hard) let alone 50 or 60 more YEARS!!!  He then told me about his cousin who died 3 weeks after finding out he had cancer.  Again, "Lucky Bastard!" He visited his son the night he died and told him, "They have been waiting for me.  I'm very busy."  Basically, don't bother me.  I'm where I need to be.  He was temple President I think so he had knowledge, experience, etc. that was needed.  Why can't I have that?  Jeremy said he has nigh-mares that he's looking Gracie and finds her hanging somewhere.  Last time it was the deck.  He said I was with him and we got her down and were able to revive her.  So many things continue to haunt us about that day, "if only, why didn't I..."  I have to hold to "If she were meant to live, she would have." But I think it would be so comforting if we had the experience of having Gracie come to us..really come, no doubt, no question.  

Lately I've come across blogs of grieving mothers.  Once recently had a list of 10 things NOT to say to a grieving parent.  I LOVE IT.  She (Samantha) could be me.  In fact, she was 37, has 4 kids.  Her daughter died at 12 weeks but would've been 4 I think.  Anyway, the list was..
1.  4 years on I get up every day with the exact same sadness I had the day of.
2.  Please don't tell me that all you want is for me to be happy again.
3.  I want the old Rebecca back
4.  If you chose to acknowledge my daughter's birthday or anniversary of her death on the 1st year, it's gut wrenching when you didn't bother on the 2nd or 3rd.
5.  Stop with continual comments about how lucky I am to have my other children.
6.  It's not healthy to cry in front of the kids.
7.  I have 4 children, not 3.
8.  I still want to hide away
9.  I did notice--You found this too hard
10.  Grieving lasts my lifetime
I would add
11.  Don't attempt to one-up me with your problem
12.  Don't tell me how hard this is on you or anyone else but me
13.  You expect me to yell you what I need...How the hell am I supposed to know!!
I don't trust friendships.  I've been abandoned by Laura and Camille and now believe my ability to maintain friends is non-existent.  I didn't have many close friends before Gracie died and virtually no family support so everything now is an improvement but I do wonder if inviting me for "girls night" is genuine.  I need to keep the Spirit with me and I want my heart to be as full of love for everyone as it was following Gracie's death.  I've been through the refiner's fire and I need to emerge better.  I prayed to be the person to match my spirit.  Gracie's death may have been meant to do that but that hurts in thinking it was a punishment for me or that my behavior could've changed or altered that some how.  If I had just been a better person.