Jan. 26, 2014 Journal Entry: Will I see you again?

I'm afraid I'm never going to see Gracie again.  I'm not a nice person and I can't seem to rid my heart of anger and mistrust.  I'm not feeling the Spirit like I was when Gracie first passed away and the year is coming fast.  I'm so sad when I look at pictures and realize it's almost the end.  It's devastating and I don't want to continue another day.  it's the worst pain, suffering, there just aren't words.  I had Jeremy give me a blessing.  His words began as his but I noticed a change shortly in and he was speaking with the spirit.  He told of Heavenly Father's love for me, Gracie is with us, and I need to be a pillar of strength for my children.  It brought comfort but I am still so sad.  Olivia talked about how she anticipated and looked forward to going to school for 1 year with Gracie next year.  Liv will be in 6th and Gracie would've been in Kindergarten.  It made me so sad.  I thought of her Appleseed Friends and all we've missed this year.  The Pizza Man Field Trip was the beginning of February and I know she just loved "Pizza Planet".  I don't know why tonight hurts so bad.  It's one of the worst nights yet.  Pain is most certainly at a 10 tonight.  Oh, I just can't bear this.  I'm trying to have faith.  I'm trying so hard.  The grief is all consuming.