Aug. 24, 2013 Journal Entry First Day of School

The first day of school (last Tuesday for the kids) was rough.  It was a 10 on the scale of pain for me.  I got up and got the kids up.  We were all getting ready together for school for the first time this school year and without Gracie.  We took the traditional 1st Day of school photo and held Gracie's picture.  It was cute but felt so wrong.  








As I drove to school there were just a few raindrops that fell on the windshield.  I would've thought they were from sprinklers had there been any on.  I thought maybe Gracie was crying and sad she doesn't get to be here....kind of silly since I really don't believe she controls the rain or that raindrops are angel tears. 
As I walked through the halls I was overcome with an emotion I can't explain.  I felt I was suffocating...maybe it was a panic attack...but I cried in the corner of the copy room for what I call my "melt-down minute."  I then started down the hall again.  I couldn't breath and felt I would begin crying that uncontrollable sob in front of all these self absorbed adolescence. I willed myself to delay the tears until I got to Holly's classroom.  Holly had written me a kind note last year.  I didn't know Holly (other than who she was) but she stated in the card that she really wanted to be my friend and support.  I thought about this when I went into her room and broke down.  Her reaction was not what I needed nor expected.  She stared at me in disbelief and shock.  She was so uncomfortable and then I felt like I had done something wrong.  I left her room...more upset but resisting another embarrassing break down and hurried to my classroom.  Just as I was walking through senior hall toward the Resource Hall, I looked up at a girl's locker a second before it closed.  She had one picture hanging in it.  It was a little wallet sized picture of Christ with a little girl on his lap.  It took a minute to register in my mind and as I headed back toward the locker she was gone.  I haven't been able to find it since.  What a tender mercy.  Sometimes I find myself doubting the "signs" or tender mercies because I debate coincidence.  Never has my faith needed to be stronger but I find myself questioning because the stakes are so high for me.  I NEED it all to be true. 
So it boils down to this; people can't support, they say they want to but they can't so I just need to suck it up...at least in public.  So for the rest of the week, I did.  I remained pretty emotionless and it went just fine.  People don't need to see me pathetic and weak.  I actually feel worse when they do.  I miss my Gracie but displaying it doesn't make me feel any better so hiding it at least prevents that uncomfortable situation with others.  I hate that this is my trial.  I hate that I am "that girl".  I hate that my identity has changed but more than anything I hate not having Gracie on this Earth with me.  I'm feeling more sad today than I have all week but the level 10 pain is less often and I am grateful.

Aug. 24, 2013 Journal Entry-Broken Leg

Jeremy's FB Post:  It's finally here! I'm so excited! #99 Izsak "The Animal" Becker recorded 1 tackle, 2 assisted tackles, 1 sack and forced fumble and a kick off return for 5 yrds. Oh... And 2 false start penalties ( my little eager beaver)
Yesterday, Izsak broke his leg.  It was the first quarter and after the play someone rolled onto his leg.  I was on my way to soccer with Liv.  He was in so much pain.  Jeremy said it was so hard to watch.  It's a spiral fracture of the Tibia.  He'll get a hard cast tomorrow or Tuesday.  I was so angry after the initial concern.  Why take this from him?  Why take this from Jeremy?  They both had something fun and normal to do together and be happy.....FINALLY HAPPY.  I know it's just football but it's so much more than that this year.  After watching the last 24 hours I guess the silver lining is seeing Jeremy care for Izsak.  Bath, bathroom, meds, etc.  It's wonderful as well to see Liv too.  She's been quite the attentive nurse.

Aug. 18, 2013 Journal Entry Back to Work

I started back to work last Thursday.  I don't want to go back but I never do.  This year it's just for different reasons.
Thursday was hard.  It wasn't as hard to drop off Vi as it was to not be dropping off Gracie.  I saw the newspaper in the driveway and was sad.  Gracie would always bring in the paper for Camille.  Vi makes me happy and is my comfort because I know she is my gift from Gracie and I'm sure she see's Gracie still.  I'm not focused at work and I know people are awkward and uncomfortable around me, I can't blame them.  I know they are afraid to say anything to "Open the wound" but they don't understand it isn't closed.  Gracie is all I think about.  They won't make me sad, I'm already sad.  I appreciate when people validate how I feel rather than ignore or make me feel I should be feeling anything different.  Grief is a confusing and uncontrollable ride.
Friday was a little better.  I was more distracted trying to get more done.  I had more meetings too so that helps.  I actually felt more normal.  Saturday was great because Izsak had football.  It's fun to watch him and Jeremy is so happy watching Izsak's success.  We were happy and enjoying it other than I had a horrible headache from running in the morning.  I guess I pushed it too hard but I'm sick of being fat. 
Today was ok at church.  I only cried a little during the opening Hymn, "Lovely Deseret"...Hark, Hark, Hark, tis children's music, children's voices oh how sweet....Yeah, it was a killer.  I did good the rest.  I chatted with people and put on a happy fact but tonight....CRASH.  I'm so sad.  I just miss Gracie so much.  I hate not having all my kids with me.  We went to the cemetery.  The Jorgensmire headstone had been moved and someone had been laid to rest long side the prior family member.  Before, I would have thought, "How sad."  Today, I thought, "Lucky" and I had such a feeling of happiness for them and their heavenly reunion.  I can't wait until I get to "move in" with Gracie.   

Aug. 16, 2013 FB Post-Love me Regardless

Here's where I love FB. It doesn't need to be face to face, I feel love and support through comments and "likes". Thank you Aspen Henderson for therapy lunch and validating all the feelings I was choosing to feel:) Thank you to my FB therapy group:)


This was my way of saying....Please let me feel how I need to feel for as long as I need to feel it and love me anyway.  

August 14, 2013 FB Post-Picnic with Gracie

Prior to Liv's soccer game she wanted to go to Wendy's. When I order at the drive-thru I still think to order for Gracie. I started to cry as I thought about her eating all her chicken nuggets, half her fries, and her frosty all over her face and shirt (since the shirt was always a convenient napkin). I wanted to look behind me in the car and see her smiling at me, singing to the radio and identifying every Taylor Swift song. A wave of sadness engulfed me. We decided to include Gracie in a picnic lunch. As crazy as some people may think it is, it really comforted me and I loved having one last summer picnic with my kids before starting back to work tomorrow.

August 5, 2013 Journal Entry 4 months

Exactly 4 months ago I was sitting in the hospital, unable to sleep, sure Gracie wouldn't make it but holding out for a miracle.  
Karen posted to Facebook a metaphor she came up with about Gracie and my situation.  She said losing Gracie was like losing a limb.  You have your other limbs but it doesn't diminish the loss of one.  Although you can complete tasks and activities, it's still not the same.  You feel pain where the limb is no longer and have to learn to do things again...walk if it's a leg.  She was spot on with this metaphor but I've started to think how socially and psychologically they are similar.  Nobody wants to draw attention to it.  They can't relate, they feel sorry for me but don't say so, afraid to do too much for me, not sure what to do.  Then there's my state of mind.  I don't want to live the rest of my life without a limb.  Today I just wanted to stay in bed.  I got up to go to Sacrament Meeting.  I have to take the sacrament.  I'm afraid of not being able to be with Gracie again if I really don't strive to be worthy.  We left after Sacrament Meeting and I just wanted to be sad.  Of course I can't do that to Jeremy and the kids so I held it together pretty well.  Live and Izsak have shown more emotions this week which is good but Jeremy has shown less which I think is bad.  I don't want us to start isolating ourselves and grieving separately but that might just be the nature of it all.
I still can't believe my little Gracie is gone.  I guess I'm beginning to accept it more but I am just so sad.  I think about her every second of my day.  I went to the temple just hoping to feel comfort and peace.  It does help but I know nothing will help me until I am able to hug her and kiss her again.  My faith is wavering and I've been reading more and more to draw from others accounts and testimonies  but I'm just struggling.  I just want her back.  I want to go back and fix it....either that or just wake up from this nightmare.

July 31, 2013 Journal Entry- Don't Continue to Do Nothing

The past few days have been so hard.  We went to Park City for a little weekend get a way.  Although we had fun it was really difficult to be there without Gracie.  One minute I'm happy racing down the slide with Olivia and the next I'm crying at a picnic table because I think of how much Gracie would enjoy this.  I start wondering "What really would she look like now?  What would she be wearing?  Would her Nike's we just bought still it?  Would I do her hair or would Olivia do it?"  These questions cause me to feel further away from her and I'm devastated.  I've been thinking back to the hospital and how sure I was at everything.  I find myself questioning if I really was sure or just ashamed or embarrassed that this could happen to us.  I've really been torturing myself with thoughts that we should have waited, maybe she would have recovered.  Did I kill my Gracie?  I cam to the conclusion that my faith isn't strong enough.  I decided to call and make an appointment at the temple.  Nothing short of a miracle, I got in.  I went today and have been filled with a comfort and peace that I haven't felt for a while.  I just prayed and prayed to be able to feel Gracie's spirit with me.  Not only did I feel her, I could almost see/picture her when I was in the celestial room.  She was not a little girl.  She was teen or young adult age.  She was happy and still had a closeness with me and a love for me.  I had no sadness, regret, guilt, or questioning while I was at the temple.  That's how I know that God had a hand in all the events pertaining to those 3 days and I didn't do anything to mess it all up. 

Lately people have expressed not knowing what to say or do.  I posted on Facebook that I'm only offended when people do or say nothing.  I'm pretty much referring to certain family members.  Tiffany came over to pick up Garrett after a sleepover.  I had received an email from Teacher Misty that morning and I had been crying.  Tiffany arrived and I really thought she would offer some support.  I knew that once she asked how I was I would pour my heart out.  She NEVER asked.  Instead we talked about her bad back the whole time.  I guess it makes them uncomfortable.  It makes me angry and makes me feel like they blame me.  My mom is no better.  I criticized her for only calling as seldom as she did before Gracie died.  She said it's been really hard on her.  George says the same about Mary.  This upsets me too.  I understand she's their grandchild but let's be honest, they only interacted with her a handful of times.  They didn't know her any better than her primary teacher yet they are too upset to be a support to me or Jeremy.  This has been hard for me to understand.  

July 30, 2013 FB Post Do Something

Jeremy and I received the most wonderful letter from an equally wonderful woman in the mail today. Her words and thoughts brought me to tears and I so appreciated her for it. However, at the end of the letter she felt the need to state,"I hope I have not offended." This broke my heart that she would have to question what she was obviously prompted to write. Several others have also expressed not knowing what to say or do. I understand this because I too struggled to know what to say or do when I knew someone who had suffered a loss. I just want to express that I am rarely offended by what people do or say to try to comfort me. Even if it's not what I need to hear at that time I understand the intent of their hearts. I am only offended when people do or say nothing.
This was my attempt to let family members know I need for them to talk with me and communicate with me more often than what they did before Gracie passed away.  I needed to feel connected to people and needed the constant reassurance that we were supported, not blamed, thought of, cared about, loved, etc. In my mind, I still felt that someone would be able to take this pain away.  If I had an issue or problem before, I could talk with the right person and solve the problem.  I've had a hard time accepting that I can't fix this.  The problem is, what I needed was for people to step out of their comfort zones in regards to their relationships with me and it just isn't possible for them.  It's not their child who died; their lives hadn't changed so their relationship or interactions with others (me) wouldn't have changed. In fact, over the past 2 years my interactions with family has become less.  Some have expressed not knowing what to say or do when I'm there and I suppose it just makes them uncomfortable...I don't have the energy or desire to help them feel comfortable. 

July 19, 2013 FB Post-Unicorn Helmet

I looked at Gracie's scooter in the garage. Her helmet still hangs on the handle like I taught her so she could always find it. Then I noticed, there are no unicorns on her helmet. She had always said, "I got a scooter for Christmas with a unicorn helmet." Her helmet has princesses and castles and even a frog....no unicorns. I wonder why she thought that? She knew what unicorns were thanks to Despicable Me. Why did she think her helmet was a unicorn helmet? Truth is, I'll never know and it makes me beyond sad not to be able to ask my little Gracie that simple question.

July 7, 2013 Journal Entry 3 months

I have accepted that Gracie is gone but it doesn't diminish the pain.  I'm learning to incorporate the pain into my life.  It makes me angry when people say, "I'm glad you're smiling."  They want to believe I'm happy again or "moving on" because they are.  I don't begrudge them....it wasn't their child.  But they seem to want to believe I am or have too.  How can they even think after only 3 months I could feel any different than I did the day of or the week after?  Make me angry. I lost my daughter for hell sake....not a beloved pet.  

I didn't like that rather than feel supported and like I could feel whatever I needed to feel or behave the way I needed to I had to keep it in check because people were always analyzing my behavior or reactions to situations.  I didn't know how I felt from one minute to the next, having someone watching or evaluating was threatening and caused anxiety.

July 4, 2013 The Parade Must Go On...without you.

Last year we were all together watching Liv in the Plain City parade. I told Gracie she would be in the parade with her preschool (Appleseed Academy) next year. Events we had talked about I just don't want to miss. It was hard to see it go by without her but would've been harder if I missed it. I love to see her friends and of course Teacher Misty:) All these firsts.....