Exactly 4 months ago I was sitting in the hospital, unable to sleep, sure Gracie wouldn't make it but holding out for a miracle.
Karen posted to Facebook a metaphor she came up with about Gracie and my situation. She said losing Gracie was like losing a limb. You have your other limbs but it doesn't diminish the loss of one. Although you can complete tasks and activities, it's still not the same. You feel pain where the limb is no longer and have to learn to do things again...walk if it's a leg. She was spot on with this metaphor but I've started to think how socially and psychologically they are similar. Nobody wants to draw attention to it. They can't relate, they feel sorry for me but don't say so, afraid to do too much for me, not sure what to do. Then there's my state of mind. I don't want to live the rest of my life without a limb. Today I just wanted to stay in bed. I got up to go to Sacrament Meeting. I have to take the sacrament. I'm afraid of not being able to be with Gracie again if I really don't strive to be worthy. We left after Sacrament Meeting and I just wanted to be sad. Of course I can't do that to Jeremy and the kids so I held it together pretty well. Live and Izsak have shown more emotions this week which is good but Jeremy has shown less which I think is bad. I don't want us to start isolating ourselves and grieving separately but that might just be the nature of it all.
I still can't believe my little Gracie is gone. I guess I'm beginning to accept it more but I am just so sad. I think about her every second of my day. I went to the temple just hoping to feel comfort and peace. It does help but I know nothing will help me until I am able to hug her and kiss her again. My faith is wavering and I've been reading more and more to draw from others accounts and testimonies but I'm just struggling. I just want her back. I want to go back and fix it....either that or just wake up from this nightmare.
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