The first day of school (last Tuesday for the kids) was rough. It was a 10 on the scale of pain for me. I got up and got the kids up. We were all getting ready together for school for the first time this school year and without Gracie. We took the traditional 1st Day of school photo and held Gracie's picture. It was cute but felt so wrong.
As I drove to school there were just a few raindrops that fell on the windshield. I would've thought they were from sprinklers had there been any on. I thought maybe Gracie was crying and sad she doesn't get to be here....kind of silly since I really don't believe she controls the rain or that raindrops are angel tears.
As I walked through the halls I was overcome with an emotion I can't explain. I felt I was suffocating...maybe it was a panic attack...but I cried in the corner of the copy room for what I call my "melt-down minute." I then started down the hall again. I couldn't breath and felt I would begin crying that uncontrollable sob in front of all these self absorbed adolescence. I willed myself to delay the tears until I got to Holly's classroom. Holly had written me a kind note last year. I didn't know Holly (other than who she was) but she stated in the card that she really wanted to be my friend and support. I thought about this when I went into her room and broke down. Her reaction was not what I needed nor expected. She stared at me in disbelief and shock. She was so uncomfortable and then I felt like I had done something wrong. I left her room...more upset but resisting another embarrassing break down and hurried to my classroom. Just as I was walking through senior hall toward the Resource Hall, I looked up at a girl's locker a second before it closed. She had one picture hanging in it. It was a little wallet sized picture of Christ with a little girl on his lap. It took a minute to register in my mind and as I headed back toward the locker she was gone. I haven't been able to find it since. What a tender mercy. Sometimes I find myself doubting the "signs" or tender mercies because I debate coincidence. Never has my faith needed to be stronger but I find myself questioning because the stakes are so high for me. I NEED it all to be true.
So it boils down to this; people can't support, they say they want to but they can't so I just need to suck it up...at least in public. So for the rest of the week, I did. I remained pretty emotionless and it went just fine. People don't need to see me pathetic and weak. I actually feel worse when they do. I miss my Gracie but displaying it doesn't make me feel any better so hiding it at least prevents that uncomfortable situation with others. I hate that this is my trial. I hate that I am "that girl". I hate that my identity has changed but more than anything I hate not having Gracie on this Earth with me. I'm feeling more sad today than I have all week but the level 10 pain is less often and I am grateful.
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