I started back to work last Thursday. I don't want to go back but I never do. This year it's just for different reasons.
Thursday was hard. It wasn't as hard to drop off Vi as it was to not be dropping off Gracie. I saw the newspaper in the driveway and was sad. Gracie would always bring in the paper for Camille. Vi makes me happy and is my comfort because I know she is my gift from Gracie and I'm sure she see's Gracie still. I'm not focused at work and I know people are awkward and uncomfortable around me, I can't blame them. I know they are afraid to say anything to "Open the wound" but they don't understand it isn't closed. Gracie is all I think about. They won't make me sad, I'm already sad. I appreciate when people validate how I feel rather than ignore or make me feel I should be feeling anything different. Grief is a confusing and uncontrollable ride.
Friday was a little better. I was more distracted trying to get more done. I had more meetings too so that helps. I actually felt more normal. Saturday was great because Izsak had football. It's fun to watch him and Jeremy is so happy watching Izsak's success. We were happy and enjoying it other than I had a horrible headache from running in the morning. I guess I pushed it too hard but I'm sick of being fat.
Today was ok at church. I only cried a little during the opening Hymn, "Lovely Deseret"...Hark, Hark, Hark, tis children's music, children's voices oh how sweet....Yeah, it was a killer. I did good the rest. I chatted with people and put on a happy fact but tonight....CRASH. I'm so sad. I just miss Gracie so much. I hate not having all my kids with me. We went to the cemetery. The Jorgensmire headstone had been moved and someone had been laid to rest long side the prior family member. Before, I would have thought, "How sad." Today, I thought, "Lucky" and I had such a feeling of happiness for them and their heavenly reunion. I can't wait until I get to "move in" with Gracie.
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