The past few days have been so hard. We went to Park City for a little weekend get a way. Although we had fun it was really difficult to be there without Gracie. One minute I'm happy racing down the slide with Olivia and the next I'm crying at a picnic table because I think of how much Gracie would enjoy this. I start wondering "What really would she look like now? What would she be wearing? Would her Nike's we just bought still it? Would I do her hair or would Olivia do it?" These questions cause me to feel further away from her and I'm devastated. I've been thinking back to the hospital and how sure I was at everything. I find myself questioning if I really was sure or just ashamed or embarrassed that this could happen to us. I've really been torturing myself with thoughts that we should have waited, maybe she would have recovered. Did I kill my Gracie? I cam to the conclusion that my faith isn't strong enough. I decided to call and make an appointment at the temple. Nothing short of a miracle, I got in. I went today and have been filled with a comfort and peace that I haven't felt for a while. I just prayed and prayed to be able to feel Gracie's spirit with me. Not only did I feel her, I could almost see/picture her when I was in the celestial room. She was not a little girl. She was teen or young adult age. She was happy and still had a closeness with me and a love for me. I had no sadness, regret, guilt, or questioning while I was at the temple. That's how I know that God had a hand in all the events pertaining to those 3 days and I didn't do anything to mess it all up.
Lately people have expressed not knowing what to say or do. I posted on Facebook that I'm only offended when people do or say nothing. I'm pretty much referring to certain family members. Tiffany came over to pick up Garrett after a sleepover. I had received an email from Teacher Misty that morning and I had been crying. Tiffany arrived and I really thought she would offer some support. I knew that once she asked how I was I would pour my heart out. She NEVER asked. Instead we talked about her bad back the whole time. I guess it makes them uncomfortable. It makes me angry and makes me feel like they blame me. My mom is no better. I criticized her for only calling as seldom as she did before Gracie died. She said it's been really hard on her. George says the same about Mary. This upsets me too. I understand she's their grandchild but let's be honest, they only interacted with her a handful of times. They didn't know her any better than her primary teacher yet they are too upset to be a support to me or Jeremy. This has been hard for me to understand.
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