May 30, 2013 Angel Birthday

We went bowling Monday 5/27 for Gracie's birthday.  We had the whole Jensen family there.  It was good to celebrate together but oh how I miss my little girl.  I printed out pictures from when we went for Izsak's birthday.  I put them on a poster the Primary made and hung it in the party room.  I thought it would make me feel better but it doesn't.  I cried a few times but held it together for the most part.  I love being around my family.  Although they grieve for Gracie they acknowledge my grief and don't' try to "one-up" me like others have. 

I am just so sad.  Yesterday was horrible.  It was the first day of summer.  I ALWAYS looked forward to summer and reconnecting with the kids.  But summer is here and my Gracie isn't.  I know I need to get up and get going for the other kids but I just can't.  I miss her so much.

On her actual birthday (5/28/2013) it rained.  It made me sad but then on my way to her grave (after Jeremy's family had all left from having cake) I saw a rainbow.  Then yesterday after such a hard day I saw another while I was standing right at her grave.  Little tender mercies.

This is my identity now and it bothers me.  I feel like a failure of a parent because I couldn't keep my child alive/safe.  Do others feel that way about me?  I'm glad I found the journal entry from before but sometimes I even doubt the significance of that.  The demons enter my mind and my thoughts become irrational.  I just can't believe Gracie is really gone and my life must continue without her.  

May 27-28, 2013 FB Posts for Gracie's Birthday

Facebook Posts throughout the day:

We went bowling for Izsak's birthday in March. Gracie wanted to go for her birthday....so we did! I miss her so much.

May 28, 2013: 
Happy birthday to my sweet Gracie:)xoxoxo

May 28th (Gracie's Birthday) last year. Such wonderful memories at Disneyland and the beach:) Soooooo glad we had that vacation together.

I was a little sad it rained but it had to so Gracie could mix her water colors to paint us a rainbow! So happy to see how many people love Gracie and visited her grave. One last birthday wish to my sweet girl:)

May 26, 2013 Don't Compare...You Can't.

Entry from my Journal:

I was so incredibly sad last night. I just cried and cried until I fell asleep.  I was sad that I had to put flowers on Gracie's grave instead of being able to hand them to her.  I was sad.  I'm the only one in the family without all my kids to celebrate holidays.  It doesn't help that when I try to express my sadness my sister-in-laws make me feel they are trying to "One-up" me on the grieving scale.  For example, I was telling one of them how hard family get-togethers are and she responded, "They are hard on all of us." I'm sorry the death of my child who you hardly knew is so hard on you that you can't be a support to me.  When I was explaining how we weren't going to do a family gathering for Viola's blessing (we changed our minds) another sister in law said, "Oh I know, after I had my last baby I was so post-pardon I didn't want to do anything either."  REALLY?  Because this really is not even the same thing.

I was probably post-pardon as well yet wouldn't even begin to consider that because MY CHILD DIED and NOTHING compares to that!!  Just say you are sorry or shut the hell up!

I realize I'm being very self-centered and I'm sure this is hard on all of them too but I just want them to acknowledge my pain and grief and then I can acknowledge theirs.  

Today, however, is a much better day.  We blessed Vi at church.  Jeremy blessed her with health and strength.  He blessed her to know how much we love her and that we'll always be here for her.  I used to get so nervous for Jeremy before the blessings but today I didn't.  He's grown so much spiritually in the last couple months. I just know he's more comfortable and "gets it".  

After Sacrament meeting the primary went outside and sang happy birthday to Gracie and then sent off balloons.  Inside the balloons my kids wrote messages to send.  One little balloon seemed to hang back as the rest lifted off.  I thought of Gracie.  I could almost hear her say, "yep, there's my balloon."  It's so touching to have such a fabulous, supportive ward.

 

We went to the cemetery tonight.  Memorial weekend is my new favorite.  It was like a party at the cemetery!  It was actually a lot of fun seeing all the cars and people and flowers.  It was just a happy place....hard to explain and crazy that it would be anything but sad and reverent but tonight it wasn't:) 

May 24, 2013 Cousin Annisten

Posted to Facebook:
My heart melted and my eyes filled with tears when we pulled up and saw this picture for Gracie from her Appleseed friend and cousin Annisten. Thanks Annisten!:)

Gracie had been part of such an amazing preschool and she loved her preschool friends. There were only 4 girls and they were all just best of friends. Gracie talked about them daily and among them was Annisten.  It wasn't until after Gracie died and I was looking through the preschool scrapbook that I realized Annisten's last name is Malmberg.  Annisten's dad is Jeremy's cousin.  Gracie's baby sister is named after Great-Grandma Viola who is also Annisten's great-grandma and Annisten's baby brother is named after Great-Grandpa Wesley Griffin who was married to Vi!!  Gracie absolutely loved Annisten and would be so excited to know they are cousins.  Since Gracie's death we have become closer to all of the Malmberg  family and that has been such a blessing.  

May 23, 2013 Pre-School Graduation

May 23, 2013 Posted To Facebook:
Gracie's preschool graduation. I am so appreciative of Teacher Misty and all the Appleseed moms making Gracie a part of it. The tree held the place for Gracie tonight and will be planted at the preschool.

May 23, 2013 My Journal Entry:
Tonight was Gracie's preschool graduation.  Since yesterday, I have really thought about the significance of the dreams I wrote about on Jan. 13, 2008.  It has given me such comfort to know Gracie was still in Heaven and aware of the events....her plan.  The fact that the child I thought would die was 2 months away from their 4th birthday.  I thought I was seeing Izsak in my dream but really it was Gracie.  She was showing me that she would come to this family and die at the age Izsak was when I had the dream.  The significance of her accident being on Grandma Viola's birthday is just too.....I can't think of the word.  I just know now she was aware of what was going to happen when she came to this life and Heavenly Father had been preparing me along the way.  It doesn't make me miss her less but it eases the pain a little. 

At the Graduation they had a tree in her place.   I couldn't help but wonder if she's looking down wishing she could have been there or if she had planned it this way?  Did she and Grandma Vi plan that she (Vi) would come get Gracie on Vi's birthday?  Did Gracie not realize how much she would want to have celebrated her birthday at preschool or attend graduation?  Is that why I'm so adamant these things are taken care of and that I'm there?  I'm sure she was aware of her plan before coming to this earth...that comforts me. She was destined to leave this earth at this time.  I miss Gracie so much it hurts more than I could even imagine hurting but at the same time I have strength.  I can't wait to see Gracie; to hold her, kiss her, hug her, again....and again....and again.

How sad that everyone goes for ice-cream or dinner after the graduation and we go to Gracie's grave.  

After getting home that night and getting everyone settled I was so incredibly sad.  The events and emotions of the day finally caught up with me and I was alone to feel the devastation fully.  I cried and cried the rest of the night until I cried myself to sleep.   

May 22, 2013 Wednesdays

May 22, 2013 I posted to Facebook:
My parents and sisters come up from Salt Lake every Wednesday. Today was an afternoon of laughter mixed with tears as we talked about loving and missing Gracie. My sister Tami Morgan gave Vi a bath...in the kitchen sink. How 'bout those dishes next?

I looked forward to Wednesdays when my family would come up.  It gave me something to focus on....almost like a count down to distraction.  I knew support was coming and I felt I could hold on just a little longer knowing they would be here and I wouldn't be alone.  Being alone was terrifying.   

THE DREAM-Jan 13, 2008

The following is an entry I wrote in my journal Jan. 13, 2008:

I graduated Dec. 14, 2007!! What a great day and even better feeling.  The dark cloud has lifted!

Our ward was divided and I was called as Sunbeam teacher.  Izsak has now just entered my class and I'll enjoy teaching him.  I was really upset when first called because I have been in primary for the past two years and I don't really feel I know anyone.  I was also upset at the way the call was extended.  The councilor asked if I was worthy to serve and told me it would challenge me and help me grow.  I did not feel this was the case.  I teach all week long.  I felt all my callings up to this one were challenging and did make me grow.  I feel now we're being ignored and I'm being punished, my spiritual progression is being halted because of Jeremy's inactivity.  So I went and talked with the bishop.  Mostly just for the assurance that it was inspired.  He was wonderful and since has really made an effort to reach out to Jeremy and consider us in various things.  Jeremy has been called as Elder's Quorum secretary and I've been called as Young Women Camp director along with teaching Sunbeams.  Jeremy has been to all 3 meetings for the past two weeks!! It's great.

So I wanted to write about a dream I had right after Christmas.  In my dream, one of the kids died.  I woke up before I found out which one.  I was so upset and silently pleaded with God all day that it was not a manifestation of anything.  Last night I had another dream that was terrible.  I had to shoot a snake and then Izsak because it bit him.  It didn't kill him immediately so I had to hold him as he died.  It was so upsetting.  I woke up before he died in my dream.  Well, today after church Jeremy told me he had a dream last night that Izsak died in a car accident.  I don't know what to think of this.  I know that God has a hand in all things, that this life is just a glimpse of the life to come but I fear anything happening to my kids.  I love them so much.  They are such precious gifts.  Izsak is such a sweet, tender-heart.  He has such a love for life and everyone around him.  The other night he couldn't sleep.  He came and laid down by me.  He snuggled in so close his nose was touching mine. I put my hand on his fat cheek, he placed his hand on mine and fell asleep.  Last Thursday was my birthday.  We went out to eat.  As Olivia bit down, her tooth became loose.  She has been obsessed with loose teeth for a while now so I was so excited for her.  She sat at the table in a state of shock.  She then turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Mommy, I'm scared." I swear I flashed forward for a second to see a grown woman who would need me still at certain times in her life.  Even at age 5, Olivia seems so mature and independent and to see her needing me was wonderful.  She'll need me at certain times in her life and I hope she's never afraid to tell me so!

I feel odd writing about our dreams of the kids but I feel I need to.  If nothing comes of it I will be so grateful but if something does, I'll need to look back to when I was strong and see that Heavenly Father was preparing me (as much as anyone could be), that he loves me, he has a plan for each of us.  This life is a temporary placement.  I will see my family again, Grandparents and all my loved ones if I live righteously.  

The child I held in my arms in the dream wasn't Izsak who at the time was Gracie's same age.  It was Gracie.  As Gracie lay in her hospital bed, I never realized just how much she looked like Izsak.  Her face was swollen which made her look even more so.  I felt such relief from guilt after finding this entry.  I had had the dream before I was pregnant with Gracie.  Gracie was still in the Spirit World and this confirmed to me she was aware of her plan and wanted me to know she was going to leave this earth when she was Izsak's age at the time of the dream. The child I held in my arms in my dream was Gracie.  I've even thought that had I taken Gracie to soccer with me maybe a car accident would have taken her as I saw in one of my dreams and Jeremy saw in his.  Although it brought such relief to me at the time, freed me from blame and guilt for a spell, it didn't last.  I've gone back and read and re-read the entry hoping for the same level of comfort I felt when I found the entry on May 21, 2013 but it's no longer there. I believe after reading my entry that at one time I was strong, I thought this was a trial I could handle......I never believed it would really happen.  

May 21, 2013 Silent Prayer

May 21, 2013 I posted to Facebook:
Yesterday I cried all morning and finally knelt in prayer asking for comfort and to ease the burden. During the morning our cousin Jill Malmberg Schofield heard a still small voice whisper, "Get off your butt and go visit Rebecca." She did! So great to have her be the answer to my prayer!

May 21, 2013 My Journal Entry:
Before I write another thing...look at entry Jan. 13, 2008.  I just found this entry while searching for proof that somehow I knew this would be my trial in life.  I thought somewhere I had a feeling that maybe I wrote about it.  I had completely forgotten about this experience and now the parallels are astounding.  

What I didn't post on Facebook was that somewhere in mine and Jill's conversation I started thinking I must have had some indication I would lose a child.  A scene flashed in my mind that I had been trying to ignore.  Not long before Gracie's accident I was driving down North Plain City Road and looked back in my rear-view mirror to see Gracie in her car seat.  As I looked at her I felt such overwhelming love for her.  Life felt so great, I was so happy, and she was so perfect, so angelic.  I enjoyed her so absolutely and completely....always.  The thought had entered my mind, "Life is so great and she is too perfect to be on this earth."  I quickly regretted my thoughts and dismissed it as being a paranoid mother yet still found myself giving a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to never take her from me.  I then convinced myself that the miscarriage of twins I had January 2012 was the only loss of a child I would have to endure.  I wondered if I had written about the experience on North Plain City Road that day or possibly any others.  I have kept a journal since Olivia was born so I started looking back through my entries.  My heart stopped when I read an entry from January 13, 2008.  Not only did I have a couple dreams where one of my children would die, Jeremy had too.  
(See THE DREAM-January 13, 2008)

May 18, 2013 It's Been 6 Weeks

May 18, 2013 I posted to Facebook:
6 weeks today. I couldn't do it without my husband, kids, and support from so many friends. Just an idea of support this week: Monday dinner brought by teachers of Weber District, Tuesday Gracie's Birthday at preschool, Wednesday brunch with my mom and sisters, Thursday lunch with friends and boutique fundraiser, Friday a friend had a service clean my house:) not to mention the continued texts and FB messages. I'm so appreciative to you all. xoxoxo

For the first time in my life I was more than willing to accept any support, friendship, love, or caring anyone was willing to give us.  I used Facebook to thank those trying to do so much for us. Looking back almost 2 years later I realize it's because I felt like eventually all the "well wishing" would make my pain go away or that possibly one of the "well wishers" would be able to fix this somehow. More than anything, I was terrified of being alone, judged, criticized.....As long as I had visitors, callers, text messages, my fear of judgement was subdued.