I was so incredibly sad last night. I just cried and cried until I fell asleep. I was sad that I had to put flowers on Gracie's grave instead of being able to hand them to her. I was sad. I'm the only one in the family without all my kids to celebrate holidays. It doesn't help that when I try to express my sadness my sister-in-laws make me feel they are trying to "One-up" me on the grieving scale. For example, I was telling one of them how hard family get-togethers are and she responded, "They are hard on all of us." I'm sorry the death of my child who you hardly knew is so hard on you that you can't be a support to me. When I was explaining how we weren't going to do a family gathering for Viola's blessing (we changed our minds) another sister in law said, "Oh I know, after I had my last baby I was so post-pardon I didn't want to do anything either." REALLY? Because this really is not even the same thing.
I was probably post-pardon as well yet wouldn't even begin to consider that because MY CHILD DIED and NOTHING compares to that!! Just say you are sorry or shut the hell up!
I realize I'm being very self-centered and I'm sure this is hard on all of them too but I just want them to acknowledge my pain and grief and then I can acknowledge theirs.
Today, however, is a much better day. We blessed Vi at church. Jeremy blessed her with health and strength. He blessed her to know how much we love her and that we'll always be here for her. I used to get so nervous for Jeremy before the blessings but today I didn't. He's grown so much spiritually in the last couple months. I just know he's more comfortable and "gets it".
After Sacrament meeting the primary went outside and sang happy birthday to Gracie and then sent off balloons. Inside the balloons my kids wrote messages to send. One little balloon seemed to hang back as the rest lifted off. I thought of Gracie. I could almost hear her say, "yep, there's my balloon." It's so touching to have such a fabulous, supportive ward.
We went to the cemetery tonight. Memorial weekend is my new favorite. It was like a party at the cemetery! It was actually a lot of fun seeing all the cars and people and flowers. It was just a happy place....hard to explain and crazy that it would be anything but sad and reverent but tonight it wasn't:)
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