I graduated Dec. 14, 2007!! What a great day and even better feeling. The dark cloud has lifted!
Our ward was divided and I was called as Sunbeam teacher. Izsak has now just entered my class and I'll enjoy teaching him. I was really upset when first called because I have been in primary for the past two years and I don't really feel I know anyone. I was also upset at the way the call was extended. The councilor asked if I was worthy to serve and told me it would challenge me and help me grow. I did not feel this was the case. I teach all week long. I felt all my callings up to this one were challenging and did make me grow. I feel now we're being ignored and I'm being punished, my spiritual progression is being halted because of Jeremy's inactivity. So I went and talked with the bishop. Mostly just for the assurance that it was inspired. He was wonderful and since has really made an effort to reach out to Jeremy and consider us in various things. Jeremy has been called as Elder's Quorum secretary and I've been called as Young Women Camp director along with teaching Sunbeams. Jeremy has been to all 3 meetings for the past two weeks!! It's great.
So I wanted to write about a dream I had right after Christmas. In my dream, one of the kids died. I woke up before I found out which one. I was so upset and silently pleaded with God all day that it was not a manifestation of anything. Last night I had another dream that was terrible. I had to shoot a snake and then Izsak because it bit him. It didn't kill him immediately so I had to hold him as he died. It was so upsetting. I woke up before he died in my dream. Well, today after church Jeremy told me he had a dream last night that Izsak died in a car accident. I don't know what to think of this. I know that God has a hand in all things, that this life is just a glimpse of the life to come but I fear anything happening to my kids. I love them so much. They are such precious gifts. Izsak is such a sweet, tender-heart. He has such a love for life and everyone around him. The other night he couldn't sleep. He came and laid down by me. He snuggled in so close his nose was touching mine. I put my hand on his fat cheek, he placed his hand on mine and fell asleep. Last Thursday was my birthday. We went out to eat. As Olivia bit down, her tooth became loose. She has been obsessed with loose teeth for a while now so I was so excited for her. She sat at the table in a state of shock. She then turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Mommy, I'm scared." I swear I flashed forward for a second to see a grown woman who would need me still at certain times in her life. Even at age 5, Olivia seems so mature and independent and to see her needing me was wonderful. She'll need me at certain times in her life and I hope she's never afraid to tell me so!
I feel odd writing about our dreams of the kids but I feel I need to. If nothing comes of it I will be so grateful but if something does, I'll need to look back to when I was strong and see that Heavenly Father was preparing me (as much as anyone could be), that he loves me, he has a plan for each of us. This life is a temporary placement. I will see my family again, Grandparents and all my loved ones if I live righteously.
The child I held in my arms in the dream wasn't Izsak who at the time was Gracie's same age. It was Gracie. As Gracie lay in her hospital bed, I never realized just how much she looked like Izsak. Her face was swollen which made her look even more so. I felt such relief from guilt after finding this entry. I had had the dream before I was pregnant with Gracie. Gracie was still in the Spirit World and this confirmed to me she was aware of her plan and wanted me to know she was going to leave this earth when she was Izsak's age at the time of the dream. The child I held in my arms in my dream was Gracie. I've even thought that had I taken Gracie to soccer with me maybe a car accident would have taken her as I saw in one of my dreams and Jeremy saw in his. Although it brought such relief to me at the time, freed me from blame and guilt for a spell, it didn't last. I've gone back and read and re-read the entry hoping for the same level of comfort I felt when I found the entry on May 21, 2013 but it's no longer there. I believe after reading my entry that at one time I was strong, I thought this was a trial I could handle......I never believed it would really happen.
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