Facebook Post: Everyone who has lost someone close to them told me 6 months was hard. But everyday has been hard and it feels like it gets harder. This week is the 6 month mark and as the months move along I feel so alone. I don't think it would matter even if I were surrounded by huge amounts of family and friends every second. Nothing will ever fill the void, the ache, the longing for Gracie that increases each day. But then I think of the flowers sent anonymously Monday, the fixings for my dirty diet Coke given to me last week, the kind text from Gracie's preschool teacher sent to me at just the right moment, and people just letting me know they still think and pray for our family. Life is so busy but I know it's the continued thoughts and prayers that carry my feet out of bed in the morning and help me through my day.
It was so hard for me to have people doing little things for me here and there and yet the pain continued. I felt ungrateful and frustrated that all these nice things weren't making me feel better but I was more concerned that those showing support would eventually become frustrated and irritated at my lack of progress through the grieving process and withdraw support....or just simply move on before I was ready for them to. This was a natural process and I started recognizing that although I felt no better at 6 months, others had naturally moved on from their grief and I was feeling more alone and comfort was fading.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Sept. 22, 2013 Liv's Birthday
Facebook Post:
I wasn't prepared for how hard the other kids' birthdays would be. Thinking all day how just last year the kids were all building bears for Liv's birthday. It was so hard to take pictures of Liv blowing out her candles today without Gracie. Such a harsh reality as my Timeline of Gracie pictures creeps closer to an end.
I wasn't prepared for how hard the other kids' birthdays would be. Thinking all day how just last year the kids were all building bears for Liv's birthday. It was so hard to take pictures of Liv blowing out her candles today without Gracie. Such a harsh reality as my Timeline of Gracie pictures creeps closer to an end.
Sept. 19, 2013 HATE (5 months)
Facebook Post:
I would correct my kids if they ever said "hate". "You may not like it but you don't hate it." Tonight I sat at Gracie's grave and told her only some of what I hate. I hate that she died. I hate that I have to live the rest of my life without her. I HATE the way she died. I hate that she didn't get to go to preschool today. I hate that no matter how hard Jeremy and I worked to create a stable, predictable environment for our family it's shot to hell. I used to think hate was such a strong emotion and yet tonight it doesn't seem nearly strong enough.
I would correct my kids if they ever said "hate". "You may not like it but you don't hate it." Tonight I sat at Gracie's grave and told her only some of what I hate. I hate that she died. I hate that I have to live the rest of my life without her. I HATE the way she died. I hate that she didn't get to go to preschool today. I hate that no matter how hard Jeremy and I worked to create a stable, predictable environment for our family it's shot to hell. I used to think hate was such a strong emotion and yet tonight it doesn't seem nearly strong enough.
Sept. 15, 2013 FB Missing A Limb
Facebook Post:
My friend Karen posted a comment a while back using the metaphor that losing a child was like losing your leg. The presence of your other limbs make it possible to carry on but it's just not the same and they most certainly do not fill the void. The void was so intense last night and it's even worse waking up this morning. I just want to be able to hold and kiss my Gracie. I want to be whole again.
I felt as though people were looking at me differently now. My identity had changed and I didn't like it. Sure I have my other limbs but does that mean I'm not allowed to miss the one I've lost? I wondered if this is how amputee's feel? People see it but don't address it or talk about it because they are "afraid of making you uncomfortable" when actually, they are the ones uncomfortable. Kind of sick that the person who is suffering is made to suffer more by the awkward discomfort of others.
My friend Karen posted a comment a while back using the metaphor that losing a child was like losing your leg. The presence of your other limbs make it possible to carry on but it's just not the same and they most certainly do not fill the void. The void was so intense last night and it's even worse waking up this morning. I just want to be able to hold and kiss my Gracie. I want to be whole again.
I felt as though people were looking at me differently now. My identity had changed and I didn't like it. Sure I have my other limbs but does that mean I'm not allowed to miss the one I've lost? I wondered if this is how amputee's feel? People see it but don't address it or talk about it because they are "afraid of making you uncomfortable" when actually, they are the ones uncomfortable. Kind of sick that the person who is suffering is made to suffer more by the awkward discomfort of others.
Sept. 12, 2013 This Sucks...and it's ok to say that.
Facebook Post: What is the point to all this? Challenges are meant to help us grow and become stronger. Like a runner running marathons or competing in the Ironman. Will we really look back in the next life and regret the challenges we never overcame or the challenges we were never given? I'm almost certain I'll look back at this and think it pretty much just sucked.
Comment from "friend" that was not at all helpful and really pissed me off: My little brain is not capable of understanding why, but I trust God enough to know "the why" will be explained and all the suffering will turn to joy ten fold! Can't come soon enough that's for sure!
Comment from friend that was appropriate and supportive: It is the suckiest of suck...xoxoxox
It is just not helpful for people to try to explain some type of silver-lining in this. Newsflash....THERE ISN'T ONE!!!! It's ok and completely appropriate and supportive to just let me feel how I need to feel and validate how I'm feeling....even if you don't agree. Until you lose a child, you just will never understand so don't pretend you do.
Comment from "friend" that was not at all helpful and really pissed me off: My little brain is not capable of understanding why, but I trust God enough to know "the why" will be explained and all the suffering will turn to joy ten fold! Can't come soon enough that's for sure!
Comment from friend that was appropriate and supportive: It is the suckiest of suck...xoxoxox
It is just not helpful for people to try to explain some type of silver-lining in this. Newsflash....THERE ISN'T ONE!!!! It's ok and completely appropriate and supportive to just let me feel how I need to feel and validate how I'm feeling....even if you don't agree. Until you lose a child, you just will never understand so don't pretend you do.
Sept. 5, 2013 No Longer Normal
Facebook Post: Izsak and Jeremy passed an accident tonight where a person was hit by a car. There were all the first responders including Life Flight. Izsak just cried and was so upset as he recalled the similarities with Gracie's accident and things we were unaware he witnessed. This makes me angry. It's hard enough to have lost a child but not being able to protect him or rid his mind of the events from that day just adds to my hell.
What I was trying to express was how fearful I was for how enduring such a traumatic event was going to effect my other kids now as well as in their futures. Jeremy and I have worked so hard to create a safe, secure, predictable environment for them all their lives and then something like this happens and I feel it's all just shot to hell. Things that were so normal for us before and we could handle with no problem are no longer normal and we can no longer handle them.
What I was trying to express was how fearful I was for how enduring such a traumatic event was going to effect my other kids now as well as in their futures. Jeremy and I have worked so hard to create a safe, secure, predictable environment for them all their lives and then something like this happens and I feel it's all just shot to hell. Things that were so normal for us before and we could handle with no problem are no longer normal and we can no longer handle them.
September 2, 2013 Tomorrow should be Pre-School
Facebook Post:
At the hospital they show you the chart of faces and tell you to rate your pain 1-10. For the past few nights my emotional pain has been holding tolerably between 5-7. Tonight, it's a 10. Tomorrow will be the first day of preschool. Last year Gracie was the first there so I could hurry back up to school. Then I was able to leave at lunch to pick her up. I loved how her backpack would swing side-to-side (nearly knocking her down) as she would run to greet me. It wasn't often I could take her or pick up but I cherished the times I could...especially her last 4 weeks while I was on maternity leave. I have no words to express how sad I am tonight. How I wish I could post updated pictures tomorrow of her first day of preschool. Her hair a little longer, me a little heavier, the kids (including Vi) a little older. My pain is a 10.
At the hospital they show you the chart of faces and tell you to rate your pain 1-10. For the past few nights my emotional pain has been holding tolerably between 5-7. Tonight, it's a 10. Tomorrow will be the first day of preschool. Last year Gracie was the first there so I could hurry back up to school. Then I was able to leave at lunch to pick her up. I loved how her backpack would swing side-to-side (nearly knocking her down) as she would run to greet me. It wasn't often I could take her or pick up but I cherished the times I could...especially her last 4 weeks while I was on maternity leave. I have no words to express how sad I am tonight. How I wish I could post updated pictures tomorrow of her first day of preschool. Her hair a little longer, me a little heavier, the kids (including Vi) a little older. My pain is a 10.
Sept. 1, 2013 Donor Memorial Services
Facebook Post: When I'm overwhelmed with emotions I fixate on it until I can identify it, process it, express it and then move past it. I could not identify how I felt in anticipation for the Donor Celebration Saturday until Jeremy said, "I'm proud." He's right, I should feel nothing but proud and I hope recipients feel nothing but grateful. I'm missing Gracie so much but I know she's happy we made the decision as her life was ending that two others would continue.
What I didn't post on Facebook was the struggle I was having with donating Gracie's organs. The idea that others have a connection with her that I don't have was hard. Knowing that we only had 90 seconds after her heart stopped to say good-bye and walk her to the Operating Room. If I had had more time to say good-bye, would that have helped me now? I know it wouldn't but still question...would we have waited longer to withdraw life support if the transplant team hadn't been assembled....if organ donation wasn't a factor? Even two years later, my mind knows the answer but my heart continues to question.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
