Dec. 24, 2013 First Christmas Without Gracie-Torture

December 25, 2013 FB Post:  There are no words to describe the intensity of my sorrow as I filled stockings and put presents under the tree last night. Gracie should be in my bed asleep in the pajamas Santa just left. What size would she wear? Pretty sure it would be size 6 because 5 was last year. What would she have asked for? Probably an IPod like Liv's! She had asked for a Barbi for her birthday. I bet Santa would've brought a bigger bike since hers would be getting too small by now. No parent should have to endure this torture. I realize at times my grief is all I see and my pain is all consuming. I feel very selfish and self absorbed right now but I hope it's not misinterpreted as ungrateful. I am so grateful to the many friends and family who did so much to show love for us this holiday. The 12 days of Christmas were so much fun and gave us something to look forward to each night. It warmed my heart to see those who left notes at Gracie's grave and gave ornaments for her tree. I feel so much love and support as my heart aches because I am just really missing my Gracie:(

Dec. 24, 2013 Journal Entry:  We've finished the basement for the most part.  The little play area was carpeted and I sat in there and cried.  I should be happy but it was all for Gracie.  I ordered the sectional envisioning cuddling with Gracie and watching our shows.  Now it's Christmas Eve and I'm devastated.  Why do the holidays make it so much harder?  It's because I can't avoid or distract myself from my grief because triggers are unavoidable.  

We did a tree for Gracie and that helped a lot.  It helps to tribute her and her memory but then makes me so sad that the memory isn't enough.  I wish I could feel her closer but even that won't be enough until I can hold her.  I've had experiences and tender mercies where I know she is letting me know she's here but then I doubt because I want the tangible. 

Dec. 26, 2013 Journal Entry:  I couldn't continue writing before.  I cried the rest of the night as I filled stockings and placed gifts.  I know in the pre-existence I didn't comprehend how our physical forms would feel such sorrow.  It's impossible to put into words what tears can't even begin to explain.  Gracie will forever be the innocent, adorable, age 3 for me and that seems to make it harder.  Everything about her at this point in her life was amazing and wonderful and she needed me.  That idea haunts me actually.  She needed me on that slide.  Was she scared?  How long before she suffered and how long did the suffering last?  If I keep telling myself she didn't feel a thing or she slid right into the arms of angels will I ever believe it?  Why can't it be made known to me?  Why does everything about Gracie's death have to be based on my faith.  It's not enough and it's so unfair.  I'm her mother, I have the right to know!  Torture, complete and lonely torture.  

December 2013 Gracie's Room

December 20, 2013 FB Post: 

Daddy started building it months ago

We both saw it in your eyes,
A secret room within a wall
It was perfect for your size.

But you left before he finished
We won't get to see you play
It's so unfair, it's just not right
We will never be ok.

I know I should be happy
The space is almost done
But my pain is real, I miss you so
The space won't be as fun.

So I sit inside your special house,
Tears streaming down my face
While I think of all our special times
And feel your spirit in this space.
Author:  Gracie's Mom

December 2013 Preparing For First Christmas

December 6, 2013 FB Post:  I get frustrated when something is broken or not working like it use to and I can't fix it. A friend sent me this image. It reminded me how strong my faith was before my heart was broken. Because of the faith in my heart I would've thought,"The mother is being comforted by her child's spirit." But now that this is my reality I look at it and think,"The mother can't be comforted because she's really not sure it is her child's spirit." I'm frustrated. My faith isn't working like it use to because my heart is broken and I can't fix it.

December 8, 2013 FB Post:  Missing my sweet Gracie as I gear up to set up the tree. I know I can't put it off anymore when I can almost hear her say,"Mom, what the heck?"

December 13, 2013 FB Post:  This is long but I have to share. I'm so overwhelmed by the tender mercies recently. I have felt that Gracie is so close lately but have questioned the feelings in my heart because I can't feel her in my arms. Multiple times in the past few days angels on earth were prompted by angels in Heaven to say things and do things to let me KNOW Gracie is near. This year we decided to put up a tree with just lights and a few ornaments that remind us of Gracie. It started with a beautiful angel ornament from my aunt Jenni. Olivia and Izsak found a Doc Mcstuffins as well as a few other ornaments and strung popcorn (Gracie's favorite treat). With each ornament that goes up, the more comfort I feel. Today, a friend said she was prompted to stop by and gave me a Buzz Lightyear ornament not knowing the "Gracie theme" for our tree or how each ornament made me feel. The extended Becker family will place one ornament per family on a small tree for Gracie on Christmas Eve. The small yet important task of finding the tree was causing me anxiety as these tasks seem to do lately. Tonight, one arrived as part of a Christmas package for our family. What a gift! My visiting teacher stopped by after a night of dreams prompting her. My dad called and said he just couldn't shake the feeling that he needed to call. All these tender mercies were meant to show this stubborn Angel Mom that God loves me, Gracie loves me and she is near. Thank you to all my angels on earth for helping my angel in Heaven:)

Nov. 17, 2013 Therapy and Anxiety Begin

I've started seeing a counselor and he said I'm very healthy despite what George might think. (George told the family that Jeremy was handling this better than I was.)

It's an emotional roller coaster but tonight I've pinpointed something.  If people didn't do it or say it the week of the funeral, they shouldn't do it or say it to me now.  I'm no further emotionally now as I was then.  If anything I'm worse.  The Becker's chose names for Christmas for the cousins but left Gracie out.  I wasn't there because I was at Young Women in Excellence.  Live and Izsak came home with the slips.  I was shocked and congratulated myself on not going because I would've broken down and made it uncomfortable for them all. Would they have done this the week or even month following the funeral?  Then they shouldn't do it now according to my emotions.  I was so sad they left Gracie out.  I stewed for a few days and finally called Angie.  I came up with a plan for the Gracie ornament tree.  We'll see how it goes over the years but I just need her to be part still.  They had the Primary Program and were so considerate regarding Gracie's involvement.  I read her part, her picture was up at the front with her class and we wore pink ribbons.  It was hard but it would've been harder to not have her be part.  I know the family doesn't know what to do but they just need to ask me, but they don't.

I'm having more anxiety but I hope the counselor will help with that.  I worry that I can't show adequate love to my other kids because of my love and grief for Gracie is all consuming.  

November 2013 FB Posts-Void and Pain

November 6, 2013 Facebook Post:  It's been 7 months today. On my walk with Vi tonight I thought of my last walk with Gracie. Jeremy had just bought her new pink "joggin shoes" and she wanted to go "joggin". I thought to record her but figured I'd have another opportunity. I was wrong. One more day would be so nice but then again, it wouldn't be enough. I'm thankful I will have eternity with my Gracie....eventually.  
- I would always add some spiritual "It's all good" statement because I noticed people would be more uncomfortable around me the more sad and negative I would post.  

November 8, 2013 FB Post:  I noticed the date for a voice note on my phone was 11/8/12. A year ago today I recorded Gracie saying her nursery rhymes. I felt the blood drain from my face, the pain forming in my gut, and tears stinging my eyes as I listened once again. I can't believe she's gone. About 10 minutes later a group of students I had never met came into my room and gave me a poster. It was Weber High's seminary council. Attached with Velcro were little books filled with messages from students testifying of a loving Heavenly Father, our Saviors love and eternal families. They assured me more booklets would be coming! I am so thankful for such valiant and compassionate youth.
-More booklets never came. Like everyone else, they either forgot about it, didn't think I still needed it, or figured they did their part.  

November 15, 2013 FB Post:It's amazing how many articles or books I've read about grief or what others tell me they've heard or read and all I think is,"That's not how I feel at all." I'm so grateful the Primary Presidency simply asked me what part I wanted Gracie to have in the Primary Program last Sunday rather than try to "spare my feelings" by leaving her out. As hard as it was to say Gracie's part and see her picture with her class, it would've been so much harder to not. People don't automatically have the tools to help someone hurting with grief, I know I didn't and still don't because everyone is so different. One thing I have learned is to not assume, judge, anticipate, or predict. Simply ask:)
-This was a passive/aggressive approach for me to address those in my life whom I felt should be reaching out to me more, sympathizing more, and just weren't.  

November 16, 2013 FB Post:Feeling the void this morning as the kids sat (Vi included) eating pancakes. My heart hurt thinking it's not all the kids and it just never will be. A commercial came on while watching Disney Channel. Gracie loved "Jessie" which she would call "Good Luck Jessie" confusing it with her other favorite "Good Luck Charlie" seen in the picture here. She would sit and make Viola watch and feel for her to kick claiming, "She Likes It!!" when she would feel any movement. The commercial advertised they are combining the two programs for one episode and calling it "Good Luck Jessie"!! Gracie would be thrilled! Miss you my sweet girl.

Gracie showing Vi (in belly) clips of Good Luck Charlie

November 18, 2013 FB Post:  I hate Mondays. Mondays aren't necessarily any worse than any other day, I just hate them. As time passes I'm in agony at the thought of continuing without Gracie, with only her memory, fearing even that won't be as crisp over time. Some might think it helps to say our family will be together again someday. It should and it's true but some days it just doesn't help to hear it and you wouldn't want to hear it either....trust me. I hate the thought of starting another week without Gracie. I hate Mondays. But every Monday since Gracie passed away a friend brings my family dinner and every Monday since the school year started I get a fresh bouquet of flowers from another friend (or friends?) delivered to my classroom. I just wanted to thank them...they know who they are! Thank you for making me hate Mondays a lot less:)

November 19, 2013 FB Post:  A friend reminded me today how much I complained about the holidays in the past. I thought,"Why? What did I have to complain about?" Of course everything everyone else probably complains about but now I wish I would've just lived it, laughed about it, and fully enjoyed it. Last year was perfect and this year is different. I hope we can all live it up as we fight the shopping crowds, laugh when we want to scream, and fully enjoy the time we have with each other:)
-That same friend was also making me feel like I needed to stop grieving.  I guess 7 months was just too long to be sad.  I'm not longer friends with that friend.  

November 27, 2013 FB Post:  You know when you're talking with someone and you remember an event or conversation that took place in the past but never would've remembered unless you had reconnected with that person? I thought of that last night and how God prepares us for our trials. We just have to reconnect with him to remember the conversation.

October 30, 2013 Trunk or Treat

October 30, 2013 FB:  While getting ready for the neighborhood "trunk or treat" last night, Olivia searched the storage room for the candy cauldron.  Inside the cauldron was Liv and Gracie's costumes from last year.  I pulled Gracie's out of the storage bag and just cried as I smelled it, hoping to have more than the visual memory the costume brings. We attended the event but as always I never stopped thinking of Gracie.  I spent the rest of the night feeling as though I was not only emotionally but physically hurting.  It just hurts too damn much. Our "Wreck it Ralph" theme was not complete. Our family is just not complete. 

Oct. 27, 2013 Just keep Swimming

Oct. 27, 2013 FB: Before hanging up the other night, my sister Tami said, "Just keep swimming." I recently watched a movie that related to how I'm feeling lately.  I've been surfing Mavericks minus the ocean and a board. I'm treading water, constantly struggling to stay afloat as the swells build. Before long I'm caught in a massive wave that sends me tumbling out of control, unable to breathe,  pulling me to the depths of an unknown end.  The good news is before too long I'm somehow able to surface and I just keep swimming as the next swell builds. "Just keep swimming!"

Oct. 17, 2013 Our Guardian Angel

Oct. 17, 2013 FB: I was on the phone with my dad last night and went to get a pair of pajamas for Vi.  I handed them to Jeremy and continued my conversation.  A minute later he was standing in front of me hold them up.  They were Gracie's:(.  I placed them back in Gracie's pajama drawer and took a minute to admire how she had put the contents of the drawer away....with speed as it was always a race:) My heart is hurting this morning.  I want to be getting her dressed and plan our fun fall break.

Oct. 17, 2013 Journal Entry:  Two weekends ago we went to Kari's family's cabin at Bear Lake.  I was excited to go with the Thompson's and Andersens so the kids could play and we didn't have to be home for conference.  Conference will forever mark the 6 month or another year for us.

I've really struggled with the idea of promptings.  Why wasn't I prompted that day?  Was I just not listening?  This question was answered as we drove up to Bear Lake later Friday evening.  It was getting dark and as we drove through Logan there was no sunlight left.We started into the canyon and a deer darted across the road.  I hit the breaks and it went on it's way.  As we continued, Jeremy asked (for the 3rd time) if I wanted him to drive.  I strongly felt I should drive even though my eyes were a little tired and I'm not as smooth as he is driving through the canyon.  With the radio off and kids quiet I thought Jeremy said something .  I turned and said, "What?".  He started to laugh and replied, "I didn't say anything."  I had distinctly heard someone say, "Sloooww."  I didn't say anything but I slowed down a bit.  I started thinking about the dam to the right of us with little easement to prevent us from going in should I slide off the road.  How would we all get out?  How would we get Vi out of her seat?  I started to realize how ridiculous I was being when a large, jacked up truck came barreling down the canyon, rounded the corner and came at us head on.  I saw a small patch of asphalt off to my right and swerved into it.  It just happened to be the entrance (placed exactly where we needed it) to the campground by the dam.  Had we been any farther up the canyon the truck would've t-boned us into the water.  I know it was angels-our angel Gracie-watching over us.  The voice was masculine for sure but I know it was a prompting from above.  I didn't have any promptings the day of Gracie's accident because I wasn't meant to stop it.  As hard as that is.  If God had intended a different outcome I know I would've heard any prompting given.  I'm so sad that we have to live our lives without Gracie but so glad to know she is still with us, that God is watching over and is aware of us...that I can keep my family safe when I listen to the Spirit.

As a tribute to 6 months, our neighbors replaced the ribbons from 6 months ago with new ones in our neighborhood.  It was a bit of a shock at first but we appreciated the support so much.  It helps that people remember and talk about Gracie rather than try to ignore because they think it will be too hard for us to talk about or even too upsetting.  I want to know people share my grief....that is support.  With the ribbons, they left a big pink pumpkin with "Gracie" in big white letters on our doorstep.  I LOVE IT!!  Jeremy had a dream (only his 2nd) that Gracie was sitting on her pumpkin waving as us.  I'm positive she loves her pumpkin.  I miss her so much.

Oct. 14, 2013 Alone

Oct. 14, 2013 FB:  I can't express enough how lonely I felt as I attempted to conceal my emotions all morning.  Mornings are hard, especially Mondays, but I can usually pull it together by 1st period; not the case today. Finally I left midway through the day and went to visit Gracie's grave.  There was a small pumpkin and note left by a friend. I'm not sure what etiquette is in these cases but I figured Gracie would need me to read it to her:) The writer indicated they didn't know what to say or do to help our family yet everything they said in the letter was perfect and exactly what I needed to know at that exact moment of complete sadness. I needed to hear a story about how they knew Gracie, how they know how much we love Gracie and miss her, how much they hurt for us knowing we have to live the rest of our lives without her. These words validated my feelings  as I'm every bit as sad now as I was 6 months ago and possibly feeling it more as the veil thickens and life continues. Thank you for being brave and stepping out of your comfort zone to comfort me.

I'm starting to recognize people feeling awkward and uncomfortable around me....starting to avoid having to talk to me.  It's hurtful.  It's not my job to help them feel better about the situation or feel more comfortable around me.  I'm grieving, I'm sad, I lost my daughter, why are people uncomfortable around me as if I did something wrong?  My Facebook post was a plea to help friends and family know to keep talking to me about Gracie, to share my grief.  It didn't work.

Oct. 2013 We Should Be at the "Punkin-aze"

FB Post:  I remember taking these pictures at Gracie's preschool field trip last year with tears in my eyes because of the overwhelming love in my heart. I'm so lucky I'm her mom. How I wish I could spend the day holding and kissing her again.  I know that day will come but not soon enough. 

  

Oct.3, 2013 6 months Fresh Ribbons

Facebook Post:  I pulled into my neighborhood after work today to pink ribbons tied in the trees, tied to mailboxes, and a decorated porch.  Fresh ribbons to replace the tattered and worn ribbons from 6 months ago. Thank you to my friends and neighbors who continue to show your support for us and your love for Gracie.

What we were really feeling:  PANIC when I first drove in.  What are people going to say, especially those who won't know what they are for?  Is it really support or are people blaming us at this point.  I called Jeremy to warn him.  He said he would rather have this than the opposite.  In other words, he would rather have people continue to show public support than ignore and blame us.  This calmed me down and helped me be able to feel the love and support....although I was still concerned that people would think it was some type of breast cancer awareness and feared the explanation of one neighbor to the next.