February 2014 Field Trip: FB vs. Journal

February 26, 2014 Journal Entry (My Real Emotion):  The night before last night I was scrolling through Facebook before falling asleep and just caught a glimpse of tiny people in Appleseed shirts.  I then remembered it would be the week of the fieldtrip.  I didn't think it would effect me because they weren't going to Pizza Man (Pizza Planet as Gracie called it) like last year but I was wrong.  I didn't cry or anything but just felt sad.  That night I had a dream I was holding Gracie.  She was smaller but her hair and face were her age.  She was awake but was almost or seemed to be in a vegetative state.  I kept kissing her hoping she would come out of it.  She kept saying "mommy" over and over.  I woke up so incredibly sad and even thinking about it now brings such raw emotion.  I loved being able to hold her in my arms, feel her soft warm cheeks on my lips, hear her voice but then become so upset thinking of her in whatever state she was in...unresponsive, dying?  I don't know but it was horrible.  I thought I just wouldn't go to work but the idea of dumping on my department, getting plans for a sub, having to call Roxanne, and ultimately not being able to just lay in bed and cry because I have my beautiful Vi, made me get up.  I realized that when I do that (push past that desire of the adversary to be weak, as my feet hit the floor, I can hear him say, "Damn, she's up." I've pretty much kicked his ass everyday for almost a year.  I'm tired but I triumph everyday.  
I called Jen Aland to get the specifics on the field trip thinking that would help me move past it.  I cried all morning, kept it together during class, cried during planning, and was ok until Jen brought cookies from the field trip the kids made and decorated.  I could just see Gracie in them.  I could picture her sitting with her friends licking fingers, knives, the cookies, all while still continuing to apply more frosting.  The best was Jeremy's reaction.  He looked at the cookies as if Gracie had frosted them.  His eyes became bright, he smiled with a slight laugh; He saw Gracie if only for a second or two.  It made my day that they did this for us.  I miss Gracie so much and wish I had gone with her on her field trip last year.    


February 25, 2014 FB Post (Public Emotion):  I can picture it....about 10 little 4/5 year olds sitting around a table, spreading a little frosting then stopping to lick the dab they got on their finger...oh and then the knife...oh and then the cookie...oh and might as well take a bite...Now put more frosting on the cookie and repeat:). I love it and see Gracie with each frosted cookie! Thank you Appleseed for thinking of us and making these cookies for us on your field trip today!!

February 2014 It's been 10 months

February 7, 2014 FB post:  

It's been 10 months and I don't want another day to pass. I feel like Gracie is further out of my reach with each passing day. It's hard to look at pictures from this time last year because I know it's some of the last. In just two more months my pictures will end. I experienced such sadness this morning. I had tears streaming down my face and couldn't stop them because I wasn't actively crying. It's hard to explain but it wasn't a response from the act of crying, it was an involuntary response from the pain in my heart, stomach, everywhere. I've never experienced this and not attributed it to some element in the air. I just want the horrible feeling to stop. It's exhausting, draining, consuming. Other angel moms have said it will ease with time. It's hard to believe since the passing of time seems to be the source of my sadness now...oh the hell of grief. But with all this pain there is also support from many friends and family and I am forever grateful for all the thoughts, prayers, love and distractions:)!!
December 28, 2016:  looking at this post 3 years later, I remember thinking I always had to end with a positive "thanks for the support" because there always has to be a happy ending for "friends" to "like" you. 

February 8, 2014 FB Post:  My dad's cousin Chris experienced the death of his teenage daughter, Viola Bell many years ago.  He said it's not that it gets better or easier, it gets more hidden like a picture in a collage.  The more memories you continue to make, the more hidden the hurt.  So many pictures to add to my collage in just one day! But it's amazing how just one shake up can make all the other pictures fall and leave you staring at the one picture left that causes the most heartache and painful regrets. All it took was seeing the boxes of Easter candy packaged on large crates in the isles of Smith and panic shot straight at my heart. I regret not taking more or better pictures of Gracie's last Easter. It was too cold and I was too lazy to go get decent pictures of the Easter Egg hunt. I regret forgetting to take pictures of the kids in their church clothes Easter Sunday because now I don't have one single picture of the family or even all 4 kids to add to my collage. Why on earth do they have to put Easter candy out so early?

February 13, 2014 FB Post:  I was beyond distracted all day thinking that Gracie should be at preschool handing out her "balentimes" to her friends. I came home and saw my door!!! Thank you, thank you Teacher Misty and all Gracie's Appleseed friends for making extra special valentines for Gracie today!!

February 16, 2014 FB Post:I felt so good the past couple days. Had moments of sadness of course but not the gut wrenching sense of panic that causes me to "ugly cry". Seeing the Stake President on the stand at ward conference and his mention of his wife took my thoughts to the hospital when we were facing our nightmare. I had not been aware his wife was in the waiting room until days or even weeks later. I was wondering if I would recognize her if I saw her. Would it bring back other suppressed memories from those hours? I let the thought pass and continued listening to the meeting. We started to sing the closing hymn and by the 3rd verse the memories and emotions were all too clear and raw from that horrible yet astoundingly spiritual and peaceful day. The words are beautiful but strike such intense emotion even as I sit here tonight.

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
I'm most certainly being held up by His hand each day.

February 21, 2014 FB Post:  You know the inspirational sayings, “That which doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger” or “Don’t become bitter, become better” or when people say things like, “This life was meant for us to experience trials.” These sayings have started to piss me off. Keep in mind, this is a stage of grief and it’s been a hard week so judge accordingly but here’s why. There are trials that make us stronger but let’s just be clear for future postings that the death of a child (the death of my daughter) is not one of them. It has ruined me and for almost a year now has continued to ruin me. I’m not stronger, I feel crazy, I can’t handle things, I’m paranoid, I’m out of control, I’m so emotional, I push others away convinced they will eventually retreat on their own because I am not ME and I never will be again. That which didn’t kill me is resulting in something so much worse.

February 1, 2014 FB "Keep Positive"

February 1, 2014 FB Post:I had a meeting with a student's mom this afternoon. She has a daycare and had to bring a couple kids with her. One was of course a 4 year old girl. I did my typical "self-talk" in order to remain professional. "She doesn't look a thing like Gracie, she doesn't act like Gracie"...etc., as I gathered things a 4 year old little girl (my 4 year old little girl) would like to play with in my classroom. The meeting ended and the little girl told me she was 4 years old to which I replied, "I have a 4 year old little girl too." Then she told me she would be going to kindergarten next year. It took all I had to simply respond, "That's going to be so fun." Just a few days ago Olivia expressed how much she had been looking forward to attending school with Gracie next year. Olivia's last year in elementary school was going to be Gracie's first.

"Keep positive" was written on a pack of Diet Coke by my brother Rob and left on my doorstep yesterday. What timing. He or someone else drove from South Jordan to bring me that message of love. Did it happen to be at the time I was in my parent meeting? My sister-in-law Jody sent a family game night care package which also arrived yesterday. Earlier in the week her husband (my brother Aaron) sent me the most amazing email of support with a simple inspired message,"Do your best." Love my family!! I Love my brothers and their wives:) Love those tender mercies!!