February 2014 Field Trip: FB vs. Journal

February 26, 2014 Journal Entry (My Real Emotion):  The night before last night I was scrolling through Facebook before falling asleep and just caught a glimpse of tiny people in Appleseed shirts.  I then remembered it would be the week of the fieldtrip.  I didn't think it would effect me because they weren't going to Pizza Man (Pizza Planet as Gracie called it) like last year but I was wrong.  I didn't cry or anything but just felt sad.  That night I had a dream I was holding Gracie.  She was smaller but her hair and face were her age.  She was awake but was almost or seemed to be in a vegetative state.  I kept kissing her hoping she would come out of it.  She kept saying "mommy" over and over.  I woke up so incredibly sad and even thinking about it now brings such raw emotion.  I loved being able to hold her in my arms, feel her soft warm cheeks on my lips, hear her voice but then become so upset thinking of her in whatever state she was in...unresponsive, dying?  I don't know but it was horrible.  I thought I just wouldn't go to work but the idea of dumping on my department, getting plans for a sub, having to call Roxanne, and ultimately not being able to just lay in bed and cry because I have my beautiful Vi, made me get up.  I realized that when I do that (push past that desire of the adversary to be weak, as my feet hit the floor, I can hear him say, "Damn, she's up." I've pretty much kicked his ass everyday for almost a year.  I'm tired but I triumph everyday.  
I called Jen Aland to get the specifics on the field trip thinking that would help me move past it.  I cried all morning, kept it together during class, cried during planning, and was ok until Jen brought cookies from the field trip the kids made and decorated.  I could just see Gracie in them.  I could picture her sitting with her friends licking fingers, knives, the cookies, all while still continuing to apply more frosting.  The best was Jeremy's reaction.  He looked at the cookies as if Gracie had frosted them.  His eyes became bright, he smiled with a slight laugh; He saw Gracie if only for a second or two.  It made my day that they did this for us.  I miss Gracie so much and wish I had gone with her on her field trip last year.    


February 25, 2014 FB Post (Public Emotion):  I can picture it....about 10 little 4/5 year olds sitting around a table, spreading a little frosting then stopping to lick the dab they got on their finger...oh and then the knife...oh and then the cookie...oh and might as well take a bite...Now put more frosting on the cookie and repeat:). I love it and see Gracie with each frosted cookie! Thank you Appleseed for thinking of us and making these cookies for us on your field trip today!!