March 2-3, 2014 My Trial is to Live

March 2, 2014 FB Post:  In talking with a friend we agreed the adversary is working double time on me lately and particularly Sundays. But this morning as I forced myself out of bed and my feet hit the floor I'm fairly certain his response was, "Damn, she's up." It's getting exhausting day after day but I pretty much kicked Satan's ass today and I plan to do it again tomorrow....sorry for the irreverence. Just not sure how else to put that.
March 3, 2014 Journal Entry: I had a clarity of thought and I hope I can express it.  I've been frustrated and absolutely discouraged with the notion that this is supposed to make me appreciate life more or make me stronger or make me a better person. Those are unattainable goals because it will never happen.  You lose your job, it makes you appreciate when you find employment again.  You lose your house, it makes you appreciate when you are able to be home owners again.  If you have a health issue, you get better and appreciate when you are well.  When you lose a child it doesn't make you appreciate your children more.  That appreciation was already at it's peak the moment I held each of them in my arms.  Gracie's death caused hurt and regret and I will never achieve that same level of happiness I had before until I hold her again.  Finding that level of happiness is an unattainable goal in this life and therefore causes discouragement, depression, and anxiety because it's not the goal of this trial.  Losing Gracie wasn't my trial.  My trial is being able to live the rest of my life without her.  Not to be happy necessarily, but to just live.  That's the goal.  To live each day (be tortured each day) knowing what true happiness was, feeling that, knowing that, and now living each day without it; learning to be "ok" without it--That is my trial and it's what I will strive to achieve....simply living.  This probably makes no sense but for whatever reason it brought me comfort tonight.  I know this is what I needed to refine my spirit.  Only a trial of this magnitude would refine a spirit so hardened.  Gracie has changed me from her birth to her death and beyond the veil.  She is helping me become the person my Heavenly Father sees.  The person my spirit is wanting me to be.