May 14, 2013 Pre-School Birthday

I had been to the preschool at the beginning of May and picked up a calendar to finish out the year.  I was relieved to see Gracie's birthday on the calendar.  Continuing events that were planned before Gracie died was so important to me.  Looking back almost 2 years later I realize it's because my mind could not accept she was not coming back.  Everything had to continue as planned so she would be there....and not just in spirit.  She had to see how much I wanted her here, how much everyone still wanted her here so she would chose Earth over Heaven.  Again, it's not rational....it's grief.  Teacher Misty said they wanted to still celebrate Gracie's birthday. 

Birthdays were a big deal at preschool and Gracie couldn't wait for hers.  On the first day of school, each Appleseed preschooler brought wrapped dollar gifts for each child in the preschool. Gracie and her dad wrapped 12 bottles of bubbles and wrote "From Gracie" on each.  She loaded them in her backpack and gave them to Teacher Misty the first day of school to be given to each child throughout the year on their birthday.  The birthday boy or girl would go home from preschool with a bag full of presents from each of their preschool friends and a birthday crown on their head.  Gracie was one of the youngest in the class and celebrated almost all her friends' birthdays.  She told me about each one and knew by now what each of the presents were. 

Gracie's birthday was to be celebrated May 16th due to graduation the following week.  I wanted to take some kind of treat for her friends.  I decided to give them a party favor bag of some of Gracie's favorite things.  I gave them the bags and got many hugs in return.  

Gracie loved balloons and had let one go when she was about 2.  Instead of crying she simply said, "There's my balloon."  Every time she would see a balloon or anything resembling a balloon after that she would say, "Yep, there's my balloon."  Misty wanted the kids to release balloons to Gracie for her birthday.  I felt like Gracie was still very much between Earth and the Spirit World and I feared her ever thinking she was forgotten.  I wanted her to know I simply would never accept she was gone.  I was grateful for those like Teacher Misty who helped me in my efforts to keep Gracie here.

May 8, 2013: Sing It One More Time

Facebook Post.....I had a dream about Gracie. We were in the Primary Room at church. I asked her to sing Grand Old Flag for me one more time. As she did Jeremy and I hugged her and kissed her....making it difficult for her to continue singing. I knew she had to go and she seemed in a bit of a hurry to get back. I was so sad when I woke up but glad that holding her and kissing her seemed so real.

I had recorded this video of Gracie singing Grand 'Ol Flag just days before her accident. Gracie had been singing parts of it for a while but I noticed she was becoming more animated as she sang it.  This wasn't typical for her to be so expressive when singing and I could just picture Teacher Misty showing them the actions as she taught them the song. I was feeding Vi as I was recording and just as Gracie finished, both she and Vi burped almost in unison.  I stopped recording but I wish I would've continued because we were all just laughing so hard!  

I watch this video and words cannot express the pain I feel from her loss.  She is here, right here singing in front of me.  I smile as I watch it but when it ends my heart breaks all over again. If only she could sing it for me one more time without me knowing it is the last.  

April 30, 2013 Tomorrow is May

Facebook Post:
I drove to preschool this morning. I decided to go in and pick up a May calendar to finish out the year. Gracie was so looking forward to celebrating her birthday at school it makes me sad that she won't. After someone's birthday she would ask, "tomorrow is it May?" Knowing her birthday is in May. My sweet girl, tomorrow is May.

It was absolutely breaking my heart to think that Gracie was no longer part of her pre-school.  Each morning when she would wake up she would ask, "Do I have pre-school today?"  She started to figure out that pre-school was only on Tuesdays and Thursdays so then she would ask, "Is today Tuesday?" or "Is today Thursday?"  She LOVED pre-preschool and I took such pride in making sure she was prepared for whatever she needed for pre-school.  She almost always wore a dress with leggings because it was easier to go potty, plus she looked so cute.  She always had pigtails or a bow and we would always review her show and tell if she had it or any homework that was due.  Even though I had such guilt in working and not being able to drop her off and pick her up each day, I took such care to make sure she never felt unprepared and a key part of that was checking the pre-school calendar daily. Pre-school was such a major part of her little life and having reached the last day on the pre-school calendar was more than I could bear. 

One of the best parts of pre-school was celebrating birthdays.  Gracie loved coming home and telling me if it was someone's birthday and she would ask when it would be May.  She was one of the youngest in the class but she was so patient in waiting.  She was so excited to know Teacher Misty's birthday was also in May.  When I got a copy of the calendar it showed Gracie's birthday still in May and it meant the world to me.  I still needed her to be part of what she and I had talked about. I felt in my heart that she was meant to leave this earth but she didn't know how much she would be looking forward to her birthday and pre-school graduation.  Her 3 year old self wanted to do those things so badly even if her heavenly spirit felt it was time to leave this earth. If she were here to wake in the morning I would finally be able to tell her, after months of asking, yes....it's May. 

April. 29, 2013 Fences Don't Make Good Neighbors

Three years ago I had words with my neighbor over a fence.  He wanted to put up a tan fence along the property line between our homes. I wanted white to match our already existing fence on the north side of our yard so declined going in on the cost.  I figured we would just put up our own later down the road. He was furious and even put up an additional panel extending past the front of his house to be sure he couldn't see our "shit"....not sure to what he was referencing since we don't have "shit" in our front yard;  our dog "shits" in the back. We didn't speak for over a year and had to warn my kids to stay out of his yard and earshot of his offensive language towards me. 

Tonight I went out front and I saw Randy in his yard.  He started walking toward me and I walked toward him.  As we approached each other we cried. He said how sorry he was for the loss of Gracie and wanted us to know what good parents he thinks we are.  "You are always out with your kids when so many others aren't."  It meant so much to hear him say this because it was true.  We are ALWAYS outside with our kids. Jeremy was outside with Gracie.  He didn't send her out to play.  He went in to check on the baby as Gracie played in our secure, fenced, dog protected, backyard and he came back out.  In fact, one of the things I will remember the most was pulling into the subdivision after leaving Gracie at the hospital and seeing all these little kids playing in their front yards, unattended. Jeremy actually had to slow down to allow one to get out of the road.  Not sure if I said it or just thought it really loud, "Are you kidding me?"  

Randy is moving and was concerned at not being able to visit his mother's grave. She is at the same cemetery as Gracie. I asked when his mom's birthday is and I'll be sure to visit for him. When he said her birthday is May 28th I was so confused I had to ask again.  He repeated, "May 28th".....Gracie's Birthday!

April 26, 2013 Well Done Thy Good and Faithful Servant

I posted the following to FB April 26, 2013

So sad today I went and just sat at Gracie's grave. I felt a great peace there and thought about our time on earth and how short it really is in regards to eternity. I had the thought that when I return to the presence of my Heavenly Father I want him to say,"Well done thou good and faithful servant" as opposed to "you really didn't handle that well." Came home to a great visit with a friend and Reeses shake from one of my young women. Thank you for helping me bear this burden.

What I did not share in my FB post for the sake of space and fear was that I was sobbing as I expressed to God the pain in my heart.  I sat at Gracie's grave (which was still just a mound of dirt) and cried.  I pleaded that this was just not happening and somehow I could have my Gracie with me again.  I could not endure the pain of knowing I would have to live the rest of my life without Gracie.  It was too much to take and I felt as though I was suffocating.  It was then that the thought came to me..."This is but a small moment.... you can do this" followed by a feeling of comfort. I had such a strong desire at that point to do well.  I didn't want to enter the afterlife with regrets of my performance in this life.  I had never comprehended the idea of this life in comparison with eternity but for that moment, it was clear.  Our time on Earth was nothing when compared to what was to come.....and I didn't want to mess that up.  I wanted Gracie, my Heavenly Father, and all those cheering me on from the other side of the veil to be proud of me.

April 25, 2013 Please Continue the Comfort

I posted the following to FB April 25, 2013:

I have the most amazing support in the world. We pray to be comforted and that comfort is given to me daily through messages from my friends and family. Thank you for sharing your grief and allowing me to share mine:)

I wanted people to continue to feel comforted and I wanted to continue to feel peace and loved.  I still feared the shock would wear off and everyone would be able to return to their lives but I would be left alone. I thought the more people knew, the more support, something would make this all go away.  I realized early on though that I had to stay positive because people don't tolerate misery for long and I didn't want all these people who were supporting me now to eventually retreat.  I was feeling sad but still feeling such comfort and peace....that's what makes it hard to process "This is Real".

April 24, 2013-God's Plan

April 24, 2013 Facebook Post......I know there is a plan for everyone and this is part of the plan but can I say that I'm just feeling like my plan really sucks. I'm missing my Gracie so much tonight. Looking at video and pictures helps and hurts all at once. I know people don't know what to say or do to help but I think that's why I want to post my feelings. It helps to know you are sad with me.

After writing this post my uncle commented back something to the effect of, "No, I don't think it's part of your plan or Gracie's....."  I was so upset and confused by this response.  The ONLY thing that was giving me any comfort was to believe God has a plan and there is nothing we can do to change that plan.  It didn't matter that I went to soccer or that I had another baby Jeremy had to check on, Gracie would've died anyway because it was God's plan.  If God doesn't have a plan then it's our fault.  Almost two years later we still have to remind ourselves...."If Gracie were meant to live, she would have".  This has been my daily mantra for 22 months now.

I started to question posting anything else.  I feared people's criticism, critique, blame, etc. but I couldn't keep my feelings all in. I needed to process and try to explain what I was feeling because if people really understood then someone could change this and fix it....it's not rational, it's grief and I couldn't bear it alone. I decided to try to do what I could to share with those who care and those who caused my heart to hurt more would just not have access to my grief.  That's the mature way of saying....I "unfriended" them.   

April 24, 2013 FB-To Heaven and Back

I couldn't stop thinking about what Gracie must have felt or been thinking as she hung on the slide.  How much time did it take for her to lose consciousness and what was she feeling until then?  Almost two years later it continues to haunt us. A friend sent me this link and it gave me such comfort.  I immediately purchased and read the book.  I need to read it again as the questions continue to surface as we approach the 2 year mark. 

April 24, 2013 FB Post.....
This was hard to watch at first but brought us great comfort.

 

To Heaven and Back.

 

Response from My California Friend Debbie: 

Beck-I just wanted to let you know how much I love you and your whole family. You all mean so much to me. I pains me to be so far away from you. I want to thank you for continually posting and sharing what you and your family are going through as you continue to go through this healing process. It is very clear and obvious that there are so many that love and support you guys...including myself and my family here in California. I'm here if you need me. Always. Love, Buns (Debbie Redmond)

 

 

April 20, 2013 FB Post

April 20, 2013 Facebook Post........
Having the kids put away folded clothes brought me to tears as I realized there wasn't a pile for Gracie. Looking at pictures of preschool knowing she won't be at the graduation. My heart is hurting tonight.

I didn't know what to post. I just knew I was hurting and I didn't understand the hurt.  I remember thinking with each Facebook post I hoped someone could fix it, change it, or help me feel better

April 11, 2013 Gracie's Funeral

I woke in the morning with a calm, peaceful comfort that I knew was being provided by a higher power.  Others had commented how peaceful our home felt when they came in.  I felt it too.  Gracie's spirit was very present which made it hard to believe she was gone and it was her funeral we would endure.  I felt my Savior's love and the love of my Heavenly Father.  I felt the veil between Heaven and Earth was non-existent.  I had such a love for everyone and felt more loved than I've ever felt....what I've interpreted as "The Pure Love of Christ". 

Kelli Harrison came to take Vi and would be Vi's body guard the rest of the day.  I was concerned how much she had already been exposed to, being passed around in the hospital as well as the past several days.  Kelli had strict orders not to let anyone hold Vi and to take her from the room if she started to cry. 

We arrived at the church for the family viewing prior to the services.  Once again, I felt we were on stage and I had to help these people feel the peace and comfort I felt. I had to be strong for all of them as well as my family.  We still had to speak and I didn't know that my strength would hold out.  I was starting to doubt my resolve but still believed if I continued this performance it would all end soon and everything would go back to the way it was....I would have my Gracie back.

It was time to close the casket. Gracie had her Jessie doll and I gave the string one last pull.  I knew I  was not allowing myself to feel the pure horror of the situation yet at the same time, I don't think the Heavens would have allowed me to.  I was so protected.....so unexplainably comforted as well as concerned for my husband and children.  They had to see me strong or they would crumble.  WE WILL STILL BE FABULOUS.....We are an Eternal Family. Izsak helped seal the casket and George offered the family prayer.  He had everyone hold hands which I thought was odd and caused me to lose focus. 

The services were what I wanted.  We laughed, we cried, we honored Gracie.  Olivia and Izsak both spoke and shared favorite memories of Gracie.  The cousins all sang, "I Am a Child of God" which was one of Gracie's favorites.  I found myself laughing as most of the cousins were "ugly crying" on stage.  I still didn't feel the devastation they were all exhibiting.  The primary children sang, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me"....Gracie's other favorite.....or walk by a lilac tree.....will always bring tears to my eyes as I so clearly remember Gracie singing it.  Jeremy and I spoke together.  We stood side-by-side at the podium and read stories out of Gracie's journal.  I LOVED telling everyone about Gracie.  I felt so proud of the mother I am to her, the love I have for her, the life I provided for her until I looked into the eyes of those in the congregation...... so I tried not to look.

The bishop closed with remarks of his experience in the hospital and I was grateful he complimented us as parents.  I wanted this all to be over and felt myself dreading what was coming up but remained focused on my kids and my husband.  We walked out and got in the waiting limousine.  I wanted Olivia and Izsak to be distracted and not have bad memories so I told them to invite their cousins to ride along.  I don't know what prompted me to do this but it was the best thing for them. 

The ride to the cemetery was hot. Curtis tried to mess with the air but I think the car was new and he was not familiar.  Luckily the cemetery was close by.  I was concerned about Jeremy's comfort and I was in pain.  Once again my breasts were full and I felt as though I had several clogged milk-ducts.  In my experience, this would lead to a breast infection and was pretty sure I was on the verge. I started to feel myself growing tired of this production and I was tired of playing the part.  I was ready for this horrible movie to end and return to my real life. 

I was devastated watching my husband and son carry their daughter and sister to her finally resting place.  I looked around at all the people and couldn't understand why this was so hard for them.  They really didn't know Gracie.  They wouldn't have to deal with this pain and try to keep their family together in the wake of this tragedy!!  It started to consume me and I started to cry until Izsak asked, "What will happen to Gracie next?"  This shocked me back to strength.  I can't dwell on my sorrow or pain.....I have to care for my family.  I then explained to him the way Uncle Nephi explained to me when Great-Grandpa Kazerian died all the while concealing the horror I felt at the idea of my daughter being buried in the ground. 

  "What do I do now? " I asked Curtis.  Was I supposed to stay around and mingle?  Curtis assured me they would all meet back at the church and we were free to head back.  I felt like there should've been more to it.  I didn't want to leave but I felt I needed to do what was expected...and I guess that was to go back to the church.  On the drive back I was in pain physically and emotionally.  My breasts were hurting and all I could think about was relieving one pain so I could deal with the other.  We arrived back and were clearly one of the first ones as the Relief Society rushed to get set up.  I loved how it looked and loved everyone who helped put it together.  I wanted happy music to be playing in the background and everyone to get a "Gracie Bracelet" I had worked with my neighbor to have made.  To my horror she was trying to charge people for them as a way to raise money for medical costs.  I quickly put an end to that and handed them out freely.

I started to grow more aware at the lack of guests.  I offered a blessing on the food and encouraged people to start eating.....I guess I was the "Master of Ceremonies."  Very few ward members and friends who really knew Gracie were present at the luncheon.  Some of those at the graveside service didn't come back to the church and friends I really wanted to visit with (who I was only able to talk with in the viewing line) left.  I realized as much as I was trying to make this a celebration of Gracie's life it was simply a pity party for my failure as a parent and most didn't want to be present.  I didn't want to be a witness to this poor excuse of a party.  It looked perfect but felt horrible.  Carol brought my breast pump to the church and I took it and Vi into the Mother's Room.  I hid there, prayed, pumped, and cried until Jeremy came and found me.  At that point, people were cleaning up and we were free to go.  I invited my family back to the house fearing not having a distraction when we got home.  I just wanted the noise, the support....I wasn't ready to face our reality alone.