April 24, 2013 Facebook Post......I know there is a plan for everyone and this is part of the plan but can I say that I'm just feeling like my plan really sucks. I'm missing my Gracie so much tonight. Looking at video and pictures helps and hurts all at once. I know people don't know what to say or do to help but I think that's why I want to post my feelings. It helps to know you are sad with me.
After writing this post my uncle commented back something to the effect of, "No, I don't think it's part of your plan or Gracie's....." I was so upset and confused by this response. The ONLY thing that was giving me any comfort was to believe God has a plan and there is nothing we can do to change that plan. It didn't matter that I went to soccer or that I had another baby Jeremy had to check on, Gracie would've died anyway because it was God's plan. If God doesn't have a plan then it's our fault. Almost two years later we still have to remind ourselves...."If Gracie were meant to live, she would have". This has been my daily mantra for 22 months now.
I started to question posting anything else. I feared people's criticism, critique, blame, etc. but I couldn't keep my feelings all in. I needed to process and try to explain what I was feeling because if people really understood then someone could change this and fix it....it's not rational, it's grief and I couldn't bear it alone. I decided to try to do what I could to share with those who care and those who caused my heart to hurt more would just not have access to my grief. That's the mature way of saying....I "unfriended" them.
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