Kelli Harrison came to take Vi and would be Vi's body guard the rest of the day. I was concerned how much she had already been exposed to, being passed around in the hospital as well as the past several days. Kelli had strict orders not to let anyone hold Vi and to take her from the room if she started to cry.
We arrived at the church for the family viewing prior to the services. Once again, I felt we were on stage and I had to help these people feel the peace and comfort I felt. I had to be strong for all of them as well as my family. We still had to speak and I didn't know that my strength would hold out. I was starting to doubt my resolve but still believed if I continued this performance it would all end soon and everything would go back to the way it was....I would have my Gracie back.
It was time to close the casket. Gracie had her Jessie doll and I gave the string one last pull. I knew I was not allowing myself to feel the pure horror of the situation yet at the same time, I don't think the Heavens would have allowed me to. I was so protected.....so unexplainably comforted as well as concerned for my husband and children. They had to see me strong or they would crumble. WE WILL STILL BE FABULOUS.....We are an Eternal Family. Izsak helped seal the casket and George offered the family prayer. He had everyone hold hands which I thought was odd and caused me to lose focus.
The services were what I wanted. We laughed, we cried, we honored Gracie. Olivia and Izsak both spoke and shared favorite memories of Gracie. The cousins all sang, "I Am a Child of God" which was one of Gracie's favorites. I found myself laughing as most of the cousins were "ugly crying" on stage. I still didn't feel the devastation they were all exhibiting. The primary children sang, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me"....Gracie's other favorite.....or walk by a lilac tree.....will always bring tears to my eyes as I so clearly remember Gracie singing it. Jeremy and I spoke together. We stood side-by-side at the podium and read stories out of Gracie's journal. I LOVED telling everyone about Gracie. I felt so proud of the mother I am to her, the love I have for her, the life I provided for her until I looked into the eyes of those in the congregation...... so I tried not to look.
The bishop closed with remarks of his experience in the hospital and I was grateful he complimented us as parents. I wanted this all to be over and felt myself dreading what was coming up but remained focused on my kids and my husband. We walked out and got in the waiting limousine. I wanted Olivia and Izsak to be distracted and not have bad memories so I told them to invite their cousins to ride along. I don't know what prompted me to do this but it was the best thing for them.
The ride to the cemetery was hot. Curtis tried to mess with the air but I think the car was new and he was not familiar. Luckily the cemetery was close by. I was concerned about Jeremy's comfort and I was in pain. Once again my breasts were full and I felt as though I had several clogged milk-ducts. In my experience, this would lead to a breast infection and was pretty sure I was on the verge. I started to feel myself growing tired of this production and I was tired of playing the part. I was ready for this horrible movie to end and return to my real life.
I was devastated watching my husband and son carry their daughter and sister to her finally resting place. I looked around at all the people and couldn't understand why this was so hard for them. They really didn't know Gracie. They wouldn't have to deal with this pain and try to keep their family together in the wake of this tragedy!! It started to consume me and I started to cry until Izsak asked, "What will happen to Gracie next?" This shocked me back to strength. I can't dwell on my sorrow or pain.....I have to care for my family. I then explained to him the way Uncle Nephi explained to me when Great-Grandpa Kazerian died all the while concealing the horror I felt at the idea of my daughter being buried in the ground.
"What do I do now? " I asked Curtis. Was I supposed to stay around and mingle? Curtis assured me they would all meet back at the church and we were free to head back. I felt like there should've been more to it. I didn't want to leave but I felt I needed to do what was expected...and I guess that was to go back to the church. On the drive back I was in pain physically and emotionally. My breasts were hurting and all I could think about was relieving one pain so I could deal with the other. We arrived back and were clearly one of the first ones as the Relief Society rushed to get set up. I loved how it looked and loved everyone who helped put it together. I wanted happy music to be playing in the background and everyone to get a "Gracie Bracelet" I had worked with my neighbor to have made. To my horror she was trying to charge people for them as a way to raise money for medical costs. I quickly put an end to that and handed them out freely.
I started to grow more aware at the lack of guests. I offered a blessing on the food and encouraged people to start eating.....I guess I was the "Master of Ceremonies." Very few ward members and friends who really knew Gracie were present at the luncheon. Some of those at the graveside service didn't come back to the church and friends I really wanted to visit with (who I was only able to talk with in the viewing line) left. I realized as much as I was trying to make this a celebration of Gracie's life it was simply a pity party for my failure as a parent and most didn't want to be present. I didn't want to be a witness to this poor excuse of a party. It looked perfect but felt horrible. Carol brought my breast pump to the church and I took it and Vi into the Mother's Room. I hid there, prayed, pumped, and cried until Jeremy came and found me. At that point, people were cleaning up and we were free to go. I invited my family back to the house fearing not having a distraction when we got home. I just wanted the noise, the support....I wasn't ready to face our reality alone.
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