March 23, 2014 Journal Entry-Lock of Hair.

I've just drugged myself up the past couple days and I feel great.  Actually, today I haven't taken anything and for the most part I'm ok but I've felt more anxious than I have the past couple days.  I went to Gracie's grave and laid down next to her and cried.  I had always thought her fee were by the headstone but figured out the other day that her head is...thus, it's the headstone.  I was also upset with myself that I didn't take a lock of her hair.  I can't remember but I think someone said something to me about it or I just thought about it but didn't think it was necessary--I just didn't grasp the reality and finality of what was happening at the time.

Jeremy is out of town.  He and some co-workers went to take equipment and guys to work in North Dakota.  They left early this morning and will get back tomorrow night.  I've just tried to stay buy but I'm of course anxious.  I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him.  I know I would have to keep going for the kids but he's how and why I've gotten this far with Gracie.  I do however pray he will find peace.  I know he blames himself and it's torture for him daily.  It breaks my heart.

Yesterday I was finally able to say, "I accept that other have problems." I know this of course but since April 4th I could not believe or accept that anyone had bigger issues than me.  I still want to punch anyone who says it to me but I can finally see it.  I guess that means I'm settling into my pain.  I'm getting used to it and it's not so over-bearing, new, foreign.  I know that pain is pain, sorrow is sorrow, grief is grief.  The difference is how long you're expected to endure it.