November 2013 FB Posts-Void and Pain

November 6, 2013 Facebook Post:  It's been 7 months today. On my walk with Vi tonight I thought of my last walk with Gracie. Jeremy had just bought her new pink "joggin shoes" and she wanted to go "joggin". I thought to record her but figured I'd have another opportunity. I was wrong. One more day would be so nice but then again, it wouldn't be enough. I'm thankful I will have eternity with my Gracie....eventually.  
- I would always add some spiritual "It's all good" statement because I noticed people would be more uncomfortable around me the more sad and negative I would post.  

November 8, 2013 FB Post:  I noticed the date for a voice note on my phone was 11/8/12. A year ago today I recorded Gracie saying her nursery rhymes. I felt the blood drain from my face, the pain forming in my gut, and tears stinging my eyes as I listened once again. I can't believe she's gone. About 10 minutes later a group of students I had never met came into my room and gave me a poster. It was Weber High's seminary council. Attached with Velcro were little books filled with messages from students testifying of a loving Heavenly Father, our Saviors love and eternal families. They assured me more booklets would be coming! I am so thankful for such valiant and compassionate youth.
-More booklets never came. Like everyone else, they either forgot about it, didn't think I still needed it, or figured they did their part.  

November 15, 2013 FB Post:It's amazing how many articles or books I've read about grief or what others tell me they've heard or read and all I think is,"That's not how I feel at all." I'm so grateful the Primary Presidency simply asked me what part I wanted Gracie to have in the Primary Program last Sunday rather than try to "spare my feelings" by leaving her out. As hard as it was to say Gracie's part and see her picture with her class, it would've been so much harder to not. People don't automatically have the tools to help someone hurting with grief, I know I didn't and still don't because everyone is so different. One thing I have learned is to not assume, judge, anticipate, or predict. Simply ask:)
-This was a passive/aggressive approach for me to address those in my life whom I felt should be reaching out to me more, sympathizing more, and just weren't.  

November 16, 2013 FB Post:Feeling the void this morning as the kids sat (Vi included) eating pancakes. My heart hurt thinking it's not all the kids and it just never will be. A commercial came on while watching Disney Channel. Gracie loved "Jessie" which she would call "Good Luck Jessie" confusing it with her other favorite "Good Luck Charlie" seen in the picture here. She would sit and make Viola watch and feel for her to kick claiming, "She Likes It!!" when she would feel any movement. The commercial advertised they are combining the two programs for one episode and calling it "Good Luck Jessie"!! Gracie would be thrilled! Miss you my sweet girl.

Gracie showing Vi (in belly) clips of Good Luck Charlie

November 18, 2013 FB Post:  I hate Mondays. Mondays aren't necessarily any worse than any other day, I just hate them. As time passes I'm in agony at the thought of continuing without Gracie, with only her memory, fearing even that won't be as crisp over time. Some might think it helps to say our family will be together again someday. It should and it's true but some days it just doesn't help to hear it and you wouldn't want to hear it either....trust me. I hate the thought of starting another week without Gracie. I hate Mondays. But every Monday since Gracie passed away a friend brings my family dinner and every Monday since the school year started I get a fresh bouquet of flowers from another friend (or friends?) delivered to my classroom. I just wanted to thank them...they know who they are! Thank you for making me hate Mondays a lot less:)

November 19, 2013 FB Post:  A friend reminded me today how much I complained about the holidays in the past. I thought,"Why? What did I have to complain about?" Of course everything everyone else probably complains about but now I wish I would've just lived it, laughed about it, and fully enjoyed it. Last year was perfect and this year is different. I hope we can all live it up as we fight the shopping crowds, laugh when we want to scream, and fully enjoy the time we have with each other:)
-That same friend was also making me feel like I needed to stop grieving.  I guess 7 months was just too long to be sad.  I'm not longer friends with that friend.  

November 27, 2013 FB Post:  You know when you're talking with someone and you remember an event or conversation that took place in the past but never would've remembered unless you had reconnected with that person? I thought of that last night and how God prepares us for our trials. We just have to reconnect with him to remember the conversation.